Risking a lot here I know, but having been told recently that I must try to be aware of the religious sensibilities of Middle America has put me in a rebellious mood. Its time Middle America learned what the big wide world thinks of narrow sectarianism. And yes, I know yours is the one true God. Thing is, so is everybody else's

Hear me, oh my children, for I am your God, that's how you expect me to talk isn't it? I decided to get a blog because think there are a few things must be said at this juncture.

I wasa watching your World Athletic Championships in Finland last week and am just about sick to the back teeth of people taking my name in vain by thanking me for stuff I had nothing to do with. Now I am mentioning no names here, but most of the culprits tend to come from a nation whose leaders insist is My Own Country. Let's get one thing straight, they are all my own countries, Great Me Almighty! I, the omnipotent and omnipresent created all them didn't I? If I really had no use for Iraq and Iran I would have just put a bit extra ocean there.

Now as it happens I would never choose one nation above another especially in something as trivial as a sporting event, but if I had to choose I would not support a nation whose people are always trying to kiss my butt. Don't any of you read my word anymore? I hate people who are always trying to kiss my butt, they are SO not getting into my Kingdom. No, I am not quoting chaper and verse, go find it for yourselves. You are all very good at finding bits that enable you to tell other people what to do.

Who do these athletes think they are anyway, two minutes after crossing the line they are on TV burbling about how I helped them and gave them strength. BULLSHIT! You are all my children and I try not to show favouritism.

Apart from that why such low self esteem? Anyone who has worked hard for years, stuck to special diets, forgone booze and sex and all the fun stuff I gave you should feel free to give themselves a bit of praise. JESUS ME, I created a hundred million galaxies each comprised of a hundred million stars, why would I be interested in taking credit for a stupid little medal that is not even made of real gold?

If these people were totally honest you know, I suspect it is their pharmacist they should be thanking. Did I ever create any human beings who looked like they had water melons implanted in their cheeks. Well yeah, OK. But Minnie Driver is a one off.

It is not just sport where this craze for kissing my arse has caught hold. I never have and never will help anybody win an Oscar, I can't stand most movies although some of the National Lampoon things are quite funny. I just do not do show - biz. Those kids who parade on American Idol claiming they are singing for God and America - let me put you straight; the little shits are singing because they want to be rich and famous, no other reason. Show business is so phoney I do not go near it; people in showbiz mention me only because they want the punters to think they are good, humble sorts and not the shallow, egomaniacal control freaks most of them really are.

Businessmen drop my name because they think I will give legitimacy to their scams and crooked dealing. I know all about that too Did I or did I not say "put aside your wealth?" No excuses, no "oh well what he really meant was…" I know what I meant and if you have a problem its there in black and white. What part of "put aside your wealth" do you find difficult?

Sports people however are worst of all. They are just hoping to attract sponsors or get paid to endorse products that will rot their little fans teeth and brains.

It makes me so angry that these people can stand up and talk about their faith in me because if they had any genuine belief they would know that I, the all seeing, all knowing, can see right though them. I did not get where I am today by not knowing a hypocrite when I see one. And yet they still stand there and say "God was with me, he wanted me to win." Its effing insulting.

So why don't I smite these arseholes? You might well ask. Smiting one or two people is not that easy when you are as mighty as I am. Have you read the Old Testament? Subtlety is not one of my strong points. Remember that Tsunami last year, all those thousands of people dead? All I did was snap my fingers to summon a Seraphim because I wanted a cup of nectar.

So when some stupid runner is saying he could not have won without me when he means he could not have done it without the steroids, I just have to hold back and let it go or risk taking out the whole of Helsinki, and I like the Finns, they are jolly, warm hearted and friendly and they don't bother me much. Yeah, if I ever had to pick a God's own country I might just go for Finland, or Sweden which is much the same. New Zealand too, its very pretty and the people there don't cause any trouble. I would certainly not choose any place that is big on religion.