All the things I put on my front page through the year

For Christmas I sent my girlfriend a big pile of snow. I called her today, I said "d'you get my drift?"

A British was out in the Australian outback when he found a boomerang. Picking it up he looked around but could only see a group of Aborigines in the distance.

"Hey," he shouted, "if I throw this will it come back?"

A voice replied "It will if it hits any of us mate."

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were feeling cold. One said "we could light a fire to warm us up," but when they did the little boat sank, which proves once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

My girlfriend is a chess fanatic. I took her to dinner in a place that has check tablecloths and it took her an hour to pass the salt.

My wife says I'm addicted to watching Lord Of The Rings movies. I have tried to give up but its a hard hobbit to break.

On both sides of the Atlantic knitting has become a fashionable hobby again. I guess that's OK so long as people don't start sharing needles.

My Dad warned me about wasting my life on wine women and song. He exaggerated; wine and song never got me in any trouble.

The last thing my dear Grandma said to me before she died was "Ian, what are you doing in my bedroom with that chainsaw?"

Never compare yourself to others, you will become as screwed up as they are.

You know you are becoming a bit of a geek when you password protect your microwave.

They say there are three signs you are getting old. The first is losing your memory and... I can't remember the others.

My mother was devastated when her canary died. She had not even noticed it was ill...
The vet said it had had jaundice.

BREAKING NEWS: Two people were killed in Iraq when a tree fell on them. Al Quaeda claim they planted it...

Interviewed for an American TV documentary Prince Charles said "people in Britain think I'm irrelevant."
The interviewer replied "Is that because you have big ears?"
(I know you Americans are always quite shocked by how irreverent we British are about our royal family, political leaders etc.)

My friend Dex used to be a rapper but now he has started a gardening business. He has not quite got into it yet though, he still thinks a Dutch Hoe is an Amsterdam prostitute...

Growing up in a broken home can be traumatic for a child. I used to miss my Dad all the time when I was young...then I learned to shoot properly.

"Money can't buy you happiness" is a lie put about by the rich to stop the poor from killing them..... Michael Caine.

Your body may be a temple but mine is an amusement park.

A survey shows that 89% of eleven year - olds has a cellphone. This did not surprise me, one of the little buggers has mine!

One who asks a question is a fool for five minutes; one who does not ask a question remains a fool forever.

To not know is bad, to not want to know is unforgivable - African proverb.