As America's latest Head of Homeland Security settles into the job, spare a thought for us Brits, we have even bigger problems in our administration.

In America the position of Head of Homeland Security is about as secure as being manager of  an unsuccessful baseball team. A new one is appointed every few minutes it seems.

But while we British blame everything from disappearing Bogus Asylum Seekers to the late spring that has ruined our gardens on the current or last Home Secretary, who is actually looking after the security of our nation.

Think about the last time you went into MacDonald’s. Do you remember that squeaky little robot who pushed you portion of pureed lips and arseholes across the counter while listlessly intoning the corporate mantra "thank you for eating at MacDonald’s, enjoy your crappy meal"

Well how about if someone like that was responsible for the safety of British people as they sit in their homes.

If the truth was known, you don’t even remember the little person who served you at MacDonald’s do you? After all. you make it a rule never to look fast - food counter hands in the eye in case the pathos in their expression prompts in you an impulse to take one home and make it a family pet. Oh yes, you made that mistake once before with an ever so cutesy - pie puppy at the animal refuge and it turned out to be a ball - sniffer, a bed shitter and a leg - shagger. Well, like puppies at the animal refuge, fast food counter hands are specially trained to do the "I’m lost, please love me," big sad eyes look.

So how would you feel if I told you a kid like that was in charge of keeping us safe in our homes and purging our nation of foreign aggressors and People of Evelyn Tent? (sounds like a sixties psychedelic band doesn’t it?)

DON’T PANIC! Such a thing has not happened. Of course they have not put fast food counter hands in charge of security yet… somebody less well qualified is doing the job.

A covert government agency that does not exist but if it did might be called MI5 (the MI is for military intelligence, its nothing to do with heart attacks - well not directly anyway) has placed a number of advertisements seeking to recruit administrative staff to work on safeguarding national security, for a salary of £15700 per year (including 5% uplift for working in inner London.) MacDonald’s has adverts placed in job centres all around the country in places where the civil service inner London uplift does not apply. Salary £15000 per year. Do the sums. Your favourite burger flipper (outside London) is getting paid more than the person responsible for making sure Osama’s boys don’t blow up your little suburban paradise.

Let’s hope Osama says where he is for a while. Can you imagine the conversation down at the fast food place.

"Bismillah, my demands are these: one, withdraw all troops from Muslim territories; two, dissolve the state of Israel; three, hand over oil facilities to the local mullahs and warlords; four, accept Islam as the one true religion. Allahu Akbar.

"Yes sir, and do you want large or regular fries with that?