Its becoming my custon to post as my last article of the year all the jokes and quips I have used on the front page in the preceding twelve months. So here we go with 2006's archive...

I hope you are not suffering the effects of over indulgence.
Do you ever think how strange our attitude to alcohol is? Drink too much, it makes your vision blurred and turns your legs to jelly. Then you wake up with a hangover. Long term it destroys brain cells, weakens the heart, hardens arteries, burns stomach lining and rots your liver. Yet, when we raise a glass  we say GOOD HEALTH.

A thief who steals a thousand dollars is a small time crook.
A theif who steals a million dollars is a serious criminal.
A thief who steals a billion dollars is a Government or a Corporation.

Saddam Hussein  said his trial was too Western. What's his problem, in Western courts the rich people always get off.

The British Government have made smoking in the workplace illegal, the only exception is for laboratory animals.

People say you can't fool an honest man. Actually the people who say this usually make large fortunes out of fooling honest men.

No wonder George Bush is a technophobe. Look what happened when he based his Middle East strategy on "artificial" intelligence.

IMMORTAL ERROR:
A British research document released last week claimed smokers have a 50% chance of dying.
Get smoking everybody, you have a one in two shot at immortality.
(I guess what they meant to say was "dying prematurely.)

Love is an emotion that can make bad people good and good people better.

A truck loaded with tortoises crashed into a train loaded with terrapins. The headlines read
"It's a turtle disaster."

Computers are not intelligent, they just think they are.

What I love doing more than anything is trying to pack whole body in a small suitcase. Sometimes I can hardly contain myself.

The Philosopher said "what if the universe is truly meaningless and life is just a joke."
The comedian answered, "then we should make it a good one."

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.


When I shuffle off this mortal coil I want to go the way my Grandad did, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming in terror like the other people in his car.

Don't you just love British bureaucrats...
Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been chargedfor the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."

I'd been waiting for my girlfriend for half an hour when a guy came up and said "while yo've been standing there 2000 acres of rainforest have been destroyed."
I said, "I'm sorry, I'll move somewhere else."

I learned Iran's president Ahmadinejad is a fan of sixties rock music. There is nothing he likes better when relaxing than to listen to The Stones.................
as they thud into the bodies of innocent women.


Someone reminded me that in 2003 Prime Minister Tony Blair said Iraq would become a beacon in the middle east. So I looked up the word "beacon."
The dictionary said "a large burning heap"

Last Halloween night a zombie walked into my local pub and said to the barman "give me a stiff drink."


Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were feeling cold. One said "we could light a fire to warm us up," but when they did the little boat sank, which proves once and for all that you  can't have your kayak and heat it.

We all live forever. Look at it this way, when you're dead you don't know anything. If we knew we were dead we would not be dead, so we must live forever.
               From Talking Heads by Alan Bennett

Living is by far the best way to fill the gap between birth and death.

A game show question came up this week, "who wrote The Great Gatsy?"
My wife said "F Scott Fitzgerald."
I said why, what's he done to you?"


In a new book for pet lovers out this week a woman claims her dog is immortal. Reviewers say you can't put it down.