EXCLUSIVE
Today’s article is written by Muhammad the Teddy, the toy bear at the centre of the diplomatic incident surrounding the arrest and imprisonment in Sudan of teacher Gillian Gibbons who was charged with insulting the local religion after she allowed her class to name a teddy – bear Muhammad.

The Mullahs have had their say, Ms. Gibbons will be speaking through her agent and the children will say whatever you want in return for sweets. All of these people are only minor characters in MY story though, the story of how hard it is to be a Teddy Bear in a Muslim nation.

First of all let me make something clear. I did not ask to be named Muhammad so it is not my fault anyone got in trouble. Ms Gibbons was just a scapegoat too, her main crime was being a woman but she did not tell those children to name me Muhammad. Children can be silly and insensitive when naming their toys. You would think the grown ups who run their schools and mosques would try to be a bit more grown up and set a better example.

Is it  such a bad thing to call a toy bear Muhammad? How would they have liked it if I had been a toy pig called Muhammad? They would not have liked that at all.

The most famous toy bear in the world is named after a turd, Winnie the Pooh. Paddington is named after a railway station and Teddy Edward is named after an insane American President and a syphlitic English King. We cuddly toys just have to cope with this, nobody asks us how we feel or if we find our names insulting or demeaning.

Religious people are too sensitive by half. They could learn a lot about tolerance from Teddy Bears. If I was the prophet of a major religion I would be proud to have Teddies named after me. Teddy bears do not start wars, strap bombs to themselves, stone girl bears to death for showing their lovely furry faces. We just try to make people feel comfortable and happy. What would make you feel more safe and secure, cuddling a Teddy Bear or cuddling a suicide bomber?

The other thing is we do not get upset when someone says Ursus the bear-god is not as good as Aphrodite the bare goddess. Nobody gets stoned or thrown in prison for that, although perhaps the should because its a very bad joke.

Religious people give themselves away when they start complaining about somebody insulting their religion. If their God felt insulted, being omnipotent he would do something about it. In stories Gods are always smiting people, hundreds at a time. So if a God needs people in silly hats to defend him, he’s not much of a god I say.

These religious people are like the kind of little boys who bring their toys out to play then say to their friends, "I’m the leader of the gang I am, and if you don’t do what I say, you can’t play with us."

Do you know what happens to people who want to be the leaders of the gang? Who do they grow up to be like? Come on, come on, you all know the answer.

Well at least I was not named after him. That would be worse than being called pooh.

Anyway gods should have more important things to attend to than bears being named Muhammad, especially in Sudan where lots of people don’t have enough to eat or clean water to drink. If any Teddies ask me should they go to Sudan to try to make some children smile I would have to say "certainly not."

Sudan is a Teddy hostile society, the people there will stone or lash foreign toys and teachers for any little thing.

Teddies cannot really die or get hurt, but even so being stoned can knock the stuffing out of you.