Here I am, hunkered down, generally avoiding public transportation and the mall...yet the danger lands practically on my doorstep!

Helga’s Heartlines: A Journal

Newmarket, Ontario.

Monday, April 29, 2003.


“Cool wind in my hair, warm sun on my face,
God, keep me ever in Thy tender embrace.”

On this bright and fresh Spring morning, I feel it’s time to share with you a favorite personal prayer of mine, which some years ago, I made up, myself. While I may sound devout, actually, I’m not. For me, the supplication, appreciation and solace are essentially spiritual, rather than product of religious dogma. The older and wiser I get, the more this is the case. I have solid reasons for ‘spilling the beans’ and seeking and extending my sympathies.

Why, only this last weekend, the first suspected case of West Nile Virus, in Canada, a dead crow, was found within short walking distance of my house! When I think of the size of this vast country and all the land and bogs round and about, I have to wonder, why here? Why now? Previous incidents were miles further away and apparently showed up a month later last year. Does this mean no place is sacred or safe any more?

Ironically, a friend of mine had just expressed relief that I am sticking pretty close to home these days, not visiting tainted Toronto, nor off-limits local hospitals, what with the International Scare stirred up by WHO about SARS. I don’t know which is worse, if one survives it, but I hear the scourge of a tiny mosquito bite could result in water on the brain. It might not be worth recovering, if one is susceptible and succumbs. Consider the possibilities: encephalitis, meningitis, coma, tremors, convulsions, paralysis. That, versus the effects of the nasty new virus: fever, aches and pains, severely damaged lungs and slow asphyxiation.

Well, the conclusion I’ve come to is that if something’s ‘gonna getcha, it’s gonna getcha’. In the end, something or other will. Philosophically and realistically, when one’s time is up, it’s up. One does the best one can, but...there’s only so much. I mean, here I am, hunkered down, generally avoiding public transportation and the mall, for better reasons than these, yet the danger lands practically on my doorstep. Perhaps I’m a lightening rod, or insufficiently prepared, or should have dug a foxhole?

I happen to have a lover’s thirst for the outdoors and the stimulation of exercise, sunshine and fresh air.
In temperate weather I adore the soft caress of the elements against much bare flesh. I tried it yesterday on my daily walk: that is, mostly covered up, sprayed with bug repellent, senses dulled, too warm, and damp with sweat. Yecch!

Did anyone notice that SARS broke out in a big way, almost simultaneous with the launch of Shock and Awe? A coincidence? A sign? An outbreak by Nature in sympathy pain? This is a terrifying trend, I fear. I worry about what we may have unleashed, besides new and improved methods of killing each other. Do we really think we’ll always be one step ahead of Mother Nature just because we can blow ourselves up? We may want to one of these days, if we keep up such activity! One would have thought we’d learn our lesson in the last Century – Wars - Enough! The prospects for the Twenty-First Century are very scary so far, wouldn’t you say? They began by stirring other manifestations of primal fear - the Millennium Bug, more dramatically followed by planes plowing into World Trade Center and Pentagon. If we care to, we can ponder where the War on Terror will go from here.

All I know is, life like this, whatever you call it, isn’t quite living. More than one vital and stimulating ingredient – compassion, Joie de Vivre, a little faith – is sadly lacking. Where’s the fun in freedom if you’re afraid to do anything or go anywhere? It’s not healthy for body or mind to live in a climate of fear. I’m thinking, somehow, we seem to have regressed. In my mind this period harkens backwards, not forward, reminiscent of those predatory prehistoric times when we huddled together in caves with clubs, afraid to come out for fear of being dinner for reptilian creature and carnivore.

(Of course, you realize I’m half in jest....)

Still, in my lifetime this is the very first time I’ve ever felt such deleterious effects. Through forty decades of ups and downs I actually came and went wherever I wished, whenever I could afford to. Even on my own, I rarely thought twice. At this point in time and stage of career I had planned to continue – as writer, woman-of-the-world, explorer and adventuress. ‘Timing is everything’: The truth once again brought home to me. While my plans to be footloose and fancy-free may have been sabotaged indefinitely, I still have a writer’s fickle fingers and wide imaginative sweep.

***

“Ah well...” I ask, thinking out loud, “So, now what?

“Continue on your path with consciousness and care; put faith and trust in Spirit and self; carry on with what you will, and do what you must.”

***

It’s cool and gray and drizzling today... “Where’s my hat and coat?”