Has your child been a victim of a school "bully?" Most children have faced the trauma of public humiliation at the hands of a bully. The following has proven to be an effective means for children of all ages to deal with bullies.

Has your child been the victim of a school "bully?" Most children have faced the trauma of public humiliation at the hands of a bully and his (we'll use the masculine for simplicity and consistency but it could be female as well) entourage at one time or another. School systems are often powerless to deal with bully behavior because it can easily extend beyond the school complex. How can we equip our kids to safely respond to the experience and gain control over those who would harm their well-being? The following has proven to be an effective means for children of all ages but is especially effective for junior and senior high students.

To understand why there are bullies, we have to grasp an age-old problem of low self-esteem. We are all "wired" with a need to be affirmed as a person of worth. This is called the Instinct of Emotional Survival and is the strongest instinct known to humanity. This has led to the fact that every person of any age has learned to base his worth on what he believes others think of him. The problem is that nearly everyone has low self-esteem and is looking to others with low self-esteem for affirmation! This results in a universal fear of not receiving affirmation therefore needing to find a way to "force" people to affirm us.

There are a variety of things we will do to "force" others to recognize us as a person of worth. These can be behaviors such as withdrawal, attention-getting antics and attacking others (physically and/or verbally). Bullies tend to use attention-getting antics and attcking others to "force" others to recognize them as persons of worth. How does this work?

The bully usually needs both forms of "force" to artificially lift his self-esteem at the expense of others. The attention-getting antic of terrorizing others creates a supportive following that "applauds" the inappropriate behavior of the bully. This action by the crowd of "supporters" actually enables the bully because he is negatively affirmed by the "support." The real reason the crowd appears to support the bully's behavior, and may even "chime in," is because they are terrified they could become the next "victims." These supporters of the bully are actually acutely aware of the destruction of the self-esteem of the targeted victim but their own fear of possibly being a victim renders them powerless to confront the wrong.

As to the "attacking others" being conducted by the bully, that squashing of the worth of another is a temporary elevation of his poor self-esteem at the expense of another. This humiliation of another compares to an addictive "fix" which lasts for a while. As with any "drug," the high goes away and another "fix" is needed. Bullying others is actually an addictive pattern that has to be repeated over and over again.

The protection for the victim actually comes from an understanding of the bully's low self-esteem. If the victim understands the motivation for the bully's behavior, which is to affirm his self-esteem, it actually empowers the victim to safely suppress future attacks. If a child can publicly address the bully's need to have his self-esteem be affirmed, the "attack" by the bully is nearly always thwarted in its tracks.

How can this be? Let's assume the bully and his entourage approaches a victim to publicly embarrass the victim. As the intended victim recognizes the pending attack, his response to the bully can be , "Are you having a problem with your self-esteem today that you need to do this? Are you feeling bad about yourself that you need to make fun of me? Okay, if you need to do this, go ahead. I'm ready."

Upon hearing the truth of his situation through the words of the victim, the bully immediately realizes that the victim is aware of what motivates his behavior. This causes a serious dilemma that can only be avoided by withdrawing from the victim. But now there is also an issue of "saving face" for the bully. How does he lose the artificial affirmation that comes from the response of the crowd? The response of the bully to this confrontational moment will usually be one of the following:

1. The bully yells obscenities at the victim and them moves on.

2. The bully yells and makes threatening gestures toward the victim without doing them and then moves on.

3. The bully will announce to the crowd that the victim is no longer worth his time and tells them it's time to move on.

No matter what course the bully takes, the attack ends. The bully is now in fear of the victim because he knows that the victim knows why he engages in such teriifying behavior. He may make a comment as he passes a former victim in the the school hallway in the future, but the intimidation is over.

In reality, this is the ideal time for the victim to offer to be the friend of the bully. The bully knows he has no real friends, and will often accept the offer in private. It can be an opening for the healing of the low self-esteem of the bully through the actions of the former victim. The bully actually becomes appropriately affirmed through the positive actions of the former victim! When this happens, the need to be a bully is eliminated because the affirmation he sought is no longer the result of various forms of artificial affirmation, but by a true affirmation that has accepted him where he is and not where someone thinks he ought to be.

I can attest to the success of this process. I encourage you to teach this to your children if you have a child who is a victim of a bully. This will enable him to be victorious over his
adversary and move from victim to victor. Give it a try. What do you have to lose?

(c)Mel Menker 2006

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