One of the most challenging male-female differences couples can encounter is this issue of how men and women know they are loved. Women love and know they are loved through emotional intimacy. This article explains how men can help their wives know they are loved.

One of the most challenging male-female differences couples can encounter is the issue of how men and women know they are loved. As stated in a previous article, men know they are loved through the willingness of his spouse to interact with him in physical intimacy. Because God created him to be logical-mechanical, he loves and knows he is loved through the physical act. Women, on the other hand, were fashioned by the Creator to be emotional-intuitive. This means they love and know they are loved through emotional intimacy rather than physical intimacy.

This critical difference expands for us when we further understand that men are lovingly affirmed primarily when they engage in intimacy. Aside from those intimate moments, men tend to assume they are loved and actually seldom to never question the status of the relationship unless they notice the intimacy level beginning to perceptibly decline. It is not that they are taking the relationship for granted; they have simply been given a smaller emotional tank by God and cannot deal with the daily "onslaught" of emotional stimuli that comes their way.

Women, on the other hand, were given a huge emotional capacity that matches their emotional-intuitive nature. This way in which she was created permits her to make nearly instantaneous decisions because of her tremendous emotional strength. But, because of this major difference, she loves and knows she is loved through that actions of her husband. But, because of the male-female difference in that he loves physically, how can the chasm be bridged? Actually the answer is fairly simple and we will unfold it in three parts.

First, men need to understand that women know they are loved through emotional intimacy and not physical intimacy. This means that men have to realize that the status of the relationship for her is determined by his every action and/or reaction to every request she makes of him. How we respond to her requests plays an integral part of her knowing that he truly loves her.

Second, men need to know that there are three parts to every request made of us. They are as follows:

1. If we do it within the time frame requested and/or expected, she will know she is loved.

2. If we do it the way she needs for it to be done, she knows she is loved.

3. If we can't do it within the time frame she wants and/or we have to consider changing how it needs to be done, and we negotiate those changes up front or as the request unfolds, she knows she is loved.

In dealing with the first part of the three-part love "equation" just detailed, she will have a time frame in mind for a project and, if he accomplishes it in the time frame she needs, she will know she is loved. It is important for men to ask when the project or request needs to be finished. She may not have a reasonable timetable because of her emotional "wiring" which means she is primarily an abstract thinker. Men, because they are logical-mechanical in design, are concrete and can more easily comprehend the depth of her request and offer a more realistic timetable. If this is negotiated up front, she will know she is loved because she can readily see that her request matters to him because he is thinking about it and wants to complete it for her in a workable time frame.

In addressing the second part of the love equation, she will have a design in mind. Again, because she is emotional-intuitive, her idea will be relatively abstract and may need refining. This is where the logical-mechanical aspect of men enters into play. Through questioning, he should be able to decipher more clearly what she has in mind. She will have the basic idea but he may need to "flesh it out" for her. He can design the project and, once she gives her approval, begin the task. Again, she will know that she is loved because she can see that her request matters to him.

Finally, as to the thrid part of the love equation, there may be unexpected things that can interfere with the task. If he is faithful to address those hindrances with her and either redesign the project or establish a new timetable in a timely manner (before the project should have been done), she will again know that she is valuable in his sight.

All of this assumes he will work with her to do the tasks asked of him without "grief," whining, or attempting to negate or belittle her or her requests in some way. Doing any of those things immediately costs him the conveyance of love and it cannot be regained unless there is a sincere apology.

An additional problem lies lurking in the shadows for men at the juncture of a request. This problem has been repeated over and over again in my office; he has time to help his friends with their projects but never gets anything done at home. Or, it could be that he's always working and is never home to do anything. Or, still, he's off four-wheeling, hunting, fishing, out with the boys, coaching, volunteering, etc. and never has time to do anything for her.

God created a priority order: relationship with God, relationship with spouse, relationship with children, and all else follows after that. This clearly implicates us if we are not following that design. The bottom line is that if things aren't going well at home, they will not really be going well anywhere else.

Finally, let's examine a humerous story of a wife's request of her husband and how easy it is for men to miss the point of this article. Remember, in this article, we are speaking about how we respond to ANY request, even if it's just taking out the trash.

He's watching a NFL Sunday afternoon game and, during the first quarter, she enters the room and asks if he would take out the trash. Nodding while remaining focused on the television, he states he'll take it out at halftime. She accepts his response and leaves the room.

The afternoon has moved along and it is now the third quarter of the SECOND game and he sees a commercial for snack food. Feeling hungry, he goes to the kitchen to raid the refrigerator. On his way he remembers his promise to take out the trash but, upon entering the kitchen, he finds she has already taken the trash out of the house. To a logical-mechanical male, the issue was to take out the trash. It is done and, to him, the request is closed. But, is it really? Not in this life! In her mind, he has unwittingly without words told his wife that he doesn't really love her. If he really loved her, he would have taken the trash out as asked and when promised. Men need to understand just how important this male-female difference is. Men know they are loved through physical contact; women know they are loved through continuous emotional contact.

Enough said. Give it a try.

(c)2006 Mel Menker

All rights reserved. No part of this article may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means without the prior written approval of the author.