Have you ever wondered how to relieve some of the tension and stress in your home? Do you find that you're waiting for your spouse to take the initiative to eliminate that restlessness? The truth is that men are responsible to create the atmosphere in the home. No matter what your belief system, the following is sound and practical help to unfold that loving home and permit you to strnegthen your relationship.

According to the Bible, husbands are to be the spiritual leaders of their homes. This is found in the Apostle Paul’s letter to the Church at Ephesus when he stated,

“For the husband is head of the wife as Christ is head of the church, Himself the Savior of His body.

As the church is subject to Christ, so let wives also be subject in everything to their husbands.

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her…

Even so husbands should love their wives as being in a sense their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself…
However, let each man of you without exception love his wife as being in a sense his very own self…"

Ephesians 5:22, 24-25, 28, 33a (Amplified Bible)

Before anyone attempts to take this in any tangent the Bible doesn’t intend, we need to stop and understand what the original language (Greek) is attempting to tell us. And, we need to understand that the content of this passage is universal in its application to persons of any or no faith.

To begin, when it states that man is to be the head of his wife as Christ is head of the church, it does not in any way imply that he is to subjugate her in any way. According to the creation narrative in Genesis, she is a “helpmate” created by God suitable to complete him as a human being (Genesis 2:20b). What the Genesis passage clearly reveals to us is that she brings strengths where he has limits and he provides strengths in her limitations. The partnership is basically equal and she is not an object of possession relegated to some form of “slavery” or “bondage” in the marriage relationship.

But, because of his logical-mechanical and practical design, he has been called to be the one to bear the ultimate responsibility for the decisions made within a household. He is held accountable to God and to his family for every decision he makes. Therefore, no decision is to be made that could negatively affect the family in any way. He is responsible to see that everyone is loved unconditionally to the utmost and to provide an atmosphere of that same level of love.

The definition of love as used in this passage is that of “agapeo” which means an unconditional love that does not intertwine behavior and performance with love. In other words, love is extended even if someone doesn’t behave the way we would like for them to, or they have not lived up to some expectations we may have envisioned for them, or they have taken paths that are life destructive. In the relationship with his wife, a husband’s definition of unconditional love is simply:

“The giving of himself to his spouse to enable her to become everything God intends without expecting anything in return.”

This definition stands in total defiance of the world’s definition of love; which really isn’t love at all. Everything about our world’s understanding of this word “love” is prefaced with conditional expectations. The old saying goes, “I’ll scratch your back if you’ll scratch mine.” In other words, “if you do something nice for me I’ll do something nice for you.” But, this kind of artificial “love” ultimately devolves into a deadly waiting game of “I’ll not extend overtures of love toward you until your first extend them to me.” The bottom line is that the world’s “love” standard is really just an extension of our selfishness. We end up playing a brutal and painful game that requires the giving and taking of affirmation only as long as our partner is willing to cooperate in the charade. This is precisely how the world around us operates and we find the world and its marriage relationships are filled with emptiness, a deep lack of fulfillment, and a hunger for completeness. It is no wonder the divorce rate in our nation is hovering consistently ay fifty percent.

The answer is to move from the “tug of war” definition of love to one where we give ourselves away. The night before His death, Jesus washed the feet of His disciples and concluded that moment with the following words:

“I assure you, most solemnly I tell you, a servant is not greater than his master, and no one who is sent is superior to the one who sent him.

If you know these things, blessed and happy and to be envied are you if you practice them – if you act accordingly and really do them.”

John 13:16-17 – (Amplified Bible)

It becomes my job to enable my wife to become all that God intends. It includes learning everything I can about her personality type, her life experiences, her background experiences, and the male-female differences that make us different. It includes discovering her strengths and gifted areas and helping her to develop them into all she can become and giving her the freedom to spread her wings to try. It includes learning of her limitations and where my strengths can dovetail into those limitations to absorb their power in her life – to cover over them where and when I can.

It also includes my providing words and acts of support and encouragement. It includes attempting to see the fullness of her as God designed for her to be. It includes challenging her to take steps in new directions and being willing to take her hand and walk with her into new realms of growth and opportunity. It includes standing beside her when her “emotional tank” is filled and she needs lifted up. It includes praying for her every day that she will fulfill His plans for her.

It further includes the little things that keep her going such as cards, notes, the occasional unexpected single red rose, phone calls, helping with the kids, assisting with household chores, and unplanned moments of taking her away.

Though this list is far from complete, if we make the effort to give ourselves away to our spouse and do it without expecting anything in return, if we really act accordingly and really do it as the Scripture says, we will be blessed and happy, and people will envy the relationship we have with our spouse. Do you want a cup of life full and overflowing? Take the chance, stick with it for a month, and see what it brings. You won’t be disappointed!

©2006 Mel Menker

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