Have you wondered why the young men and women of today are struggling with sexual promiscuity? Why 40% of live birth in the United States are by unwed mothers, generally teens or young adults? The answer will startle you but the solution is practical and viable.

Have you wondered why the teen pregnancy rate is soaring? Just this week the national news media reported that 40% of live births in the United States are by unwed mothers, generally teens or young adults. This figure is the highest in American history.

The depth of the problem tracks even deeper when we examine the western world’s growing preoccupation with sex. In the course of the past fifty years our culture has become more sexually promiscuous with each succeeding generation. The number of daily “hits” on pornographic web sites is in the tens of millions. Most of our advertising revolves around the subtle use of sexual imagery in order to market products. The number of acts of consenting sex between unmarried adults in our daily prime time television programming continues to escalate. And, the incidence of pregnancy in children under the age of thirteen continues a rampant incline. What’s wrong with this picture?

In my twenty-seven years engaging in pastoral counseling, I have reached the conclusion that the lack of appropriate touch in childhood is instrumental in our struggle to differentiate affirming touch from sexual touch. The following provides a simple understanding and solution to the burgeoning problem of sexual issues in our western culture.

First, we need to understand that every person was created by God to be affirmed as a person of worth. The Bible tells us clearly what God thinks of each of us and we are wonderfully affirmed as unique creations of worth. We are even affirmed as valuable when we struggle to be in right relationship with Him. But, even though we know His words to be true , we still crave affirmation from those around us. Those around us to whom we generally look for appropriate affirmation are parents, grandparents, siblings and close family friends. The reason we seek the affirmation of people is because of the element of touch – that gentle moment when we are safely reminded of our value. In addition to the written words of the Bible, God also planned to reveal His affirmation through the use of appropriate touches of affirmation given through human beings.

Second, every child needs appropriate touches of affirmation. Through studies done in the mid-to-late 1990s and reported in Reader’s Digest, we learned that the role of the natural father was the most important relationship every child needed as it carried the most influence on the future of the child, positive or negative. A father’s ability to deliver appropriate touches of affirmation to his children has profound effect as to how a child will relate to others as he/she grows into adulthood. While other meaningful persons can provide some level of appropriate affirmation through touch in the absence of the natural father, the role of the natural father is tantamount. (See my book “M.E.S.H.: How to Have Mental, Emotional, Spiritual Health for Life” for more information on this.)

Studies of feral children (children denied appropriate human touch) reveal startling results as these children struggle greatly to development appropriate and meaningful relationships. The amount of appropriate affirming touch children receive is integral to their future development. Studies have even shown that the development of the brains of feral children can be severely hampered based upon the lack of appropriate touch. In my experience, even if children have touch but it is primarily or even exclusively negative, these children will exhibit similar behavior as feral children denied all touch. They will struggle to relate to others mentally, emotionally and physically and may never be able to adequately do so, thus never attaining a life that is full and complete as God intended.

Third, the establishment of appropriate touches of affirmation as early as possible, preferably as a newborn infant, helps us to understand our worth and also assists us in being able to determine what constitutes appropriate touch. Touches like hugs, an arm around a shoulder, the tousling of hair, a kiss on the forehead, a gentle touch to a hand or an arm, holding a small child in your arms or lap, allowing your distraught child to curl up tight next to you, are all appropriate forms of touches that affirm. All of us need these kinds of touches from the cradle to the grave and we are responsible to present these “gifts” to each other to affirm and reaffirm worth.

How does this fit into the sexual problems in our world today? There are two directions we need to go. First, we have to address those children who have had little or no touches of affirmation. In my work I see that few people were ever able to receive the touches necessary to have their wroth affirmed appropriately. This means that the majority of people I have seen have missed this important element necessary to affirm their personal worth. The result is these people are effectively mentally, emotionally and physically starved for these touches. They have an internal yearning for these appropriate touches of affirmation but, since they either didn’t experience them or received an inadequate supply, never developed a base of understanding as to what appropriate touches of affirmation are.

The result of this is that any touch that feels good surely must be right. The problem is that they cannot differentiate between appropriate touch and inappropriate touch. They don’t know the difference between touches of affirmation and sexual touches. If people don’t know the difference, the first touch that elicits sexual feelings will be understood to be permissible because there is no understanding that sexual touch is designed for a totally different human experience. Thus, we have generations of boys and girls – young men and women – who don’t know what are appropriate touches of affirmation, much less how to give and/or receive them. This is why our youth and young adults are “jumping” from no appropriate touches of affirmation directly to sexual intimacy. They are so starved for touch they will take any touch and not even know why it’s wrong.

It’s not that our youth want to be so sexual in nature; they simply haven’t had enough appropriate touches to provide them with that necessary foundation to be able to understand their worth apart from sexual touches and ultimate intimacy. And, it’s not a gender problem either for both males and females are hungry for affirmation.
What is our response? Our response is to provide as many appropriate touches as we possible can and teach parents, especially fathers, to do their vital part in creating a worth through touch in our children.

But, it is vital that no touches of affirmation be sexual in nature or lead to any kind of stimulation of sexual feelings mentally, emotionally or physically. Any touches that are sexual in nature severely distort the meaning of appropriate touches of affirmation and plays into the problem we have today with sexual promiscuity. They are simply wrong and serve only to take life away from others.

There is this second group of children who have experienced such sexual abuse that they have no concept of appropriate touches of affirmation. These children exhibit feral children behavior in that they will either avoid touch contact altogether or severely restrict any possibility of touch, choosing to remain safe than risk the potential pain of touch. These children still yearn for touch but choose to develop protective “walls” around themselves to make certain they will not be harmed.

On the other hand, others become abnormally promiscuous in their behavior. Those who are promiscuous in their behavior are so starved for touch they will allow themselves sexual touch even though they abhor it. They know this is not affirming but their emotional desperation overrides their mental rationality.

Both groups need appropriate touches of affirmation but need to be taught what is appropriate and what is not. They will also need to be taught that appropriate touches will be given by invitation only. We should never give touches without permission. It’s critical to ask first and then give only if permitted to do so. We must never impose touches upon them for to do so is to violate them – it is the same as abuse. We need to permit them to decide if and when they are ready to receive appropriate affirmation through touch.

The bottom line is that I believe our problem of sexual promiscuity stems from a lack of appropriate touches of affirmation. It becomes easy to accept inappropriate touches instead which only serves to take life away instead of to give it. Sex, rightly used, is a wonderful gift from God but is only its best when people understand the distinct and separate values of each form of touch. Let’s agree our young people need our help today and the best deterrent from inappropriate sexual behavior is through appropriate touches of affirmation.

©2006 Mel Menker

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