Many wives say they sometimes avoid touch with their husbands because they are afraid that touch will lead to sexual intimacy when they really don't feel like it. There are simple answers to overcoming this fear through an understanding of the difference between touches of affirmation and sexual touches as shared in the article that follows.

As a pastoral counselor, I hear regular complaints from wives that they sometimes avoid touch with their husbands because they are afraid that touch will lead to sexual intimacy when they really don’t feel like it. In my office it sounds as though there is a tremendous lack of understanding as to the two basic kinds of touch – both intimate by themselves yet serving two distinct differences and occasions. The two touches are 1) touches of affirmation and 2) sexual touches. Both are important in the marital relationship yet they need to be clearly separated and defined. The result of this knowledge gap has led to a distancing between wives and their husbands that can, with a little information, be relatively easily resolved.

In a previous article posted on this site, “The Importance of Appropriate Touch,” I address a problem regarding touch that is prominent in many counseling situations. In order to fully understand that which follows, I encourage you to read that previous article before continuing with this article. The previous publication provides a foundation upon which this article is based to help establish a base of understanding as to the two primary touches in marriage.

As mentioned in the previous article, the establishment of appropriate touches of affirmation as early as possible helps us to understand our worth and also assists us in being able to determine what constitutes appropriate touch. For adults, touches like hugs, an arm around a shoulder, the tousling of hair, a kiss on the forehead, a gentle touch to a hand or an arm, being held in your spouse’s arms or lap, allowing your spouse to curl up next to you, being held while sleeping, massages, are all appropriate forms of touch that affirm. All of us need these kinds of touches from the cradle to the grave and, upon marriage, spouses become responsible to present these “gifts” to each other to affirm and reaffirm worth.

How does this fit into the sexual problems of touch in marriage today? First, we have to address those children who have had little or no touches of affirmation. In my work I see that few people were ever able to receive the touches necessary to have their worth affirmed adequately. This means that the majority of people I have seen have missed this important element necessary to affirm their personal worth. The result is these people are effectively mentally, emotionally and physically starved for these touches. They have an internal yearning for these appropriate touches of affirmation but, since they either didn’t experience them or received an inadequate supply, never developed a base of understanding as to what appropriate touches of affirmation constitute. This creates a problem in marriage that bears discussion, as spouses need to constantly bear in mind the need to give away appropriate touches of affirmation.

All spouses, especially women, need these kinds of affirming touches. Because women love emotionally and need to know they are loved emotionally before they can respond physically, they need regular, recurring touches of affirmation. In addition, non-touch sources of affirmation such as cards, notes, flowers, phone calls, e-mail messages, kind words and comments, gifts and time together serve as wonderful instruments of affirmation that reinforce affirmation and self-worth. Spontaneity of non-touch affirmation only adds to the emotional assurance of being loved that women need.

Men, on the other hand, love physically and seem to need fewer touches of affirmation as adults, but must clearly give their wives touches of affirmation that are separate and distinct from sexual touch. Because men love physically, sexual touch has a greater level of meaning and importance for men than touches of affirmation. But, men who received adequate appropriate touches of affirmation as children appear to find it easier to give appropriate touches of affirmation away to his wife without expecting anything sexual in return. He’s able to minister to his wife’s need for emotional affirmation without a secondary agenda of intimacy. If he does this correctly, she will not feel threatened that he wants more than just to give affirming touch. She will learn to trust his touch as designed to care for her emotional need of love, which, in turn, endears her to him.

If a man has not received adequate touches of affirmation in his younger years, he is more likely to give touches of affirmation with an agenda of being able to gradually transfer from affirming touch to sexual touch in the same encounter. This is what many women fear because they question if he is really giving her touches of affirmation to feed her need for emotional love or if he is only concerned with his own physical desires. If he attempts to combine the two kinds of touches in the same touching moment, she knows he’s only concerned with himself and is actually repulsed by his motive. He’s hoping she can be “swayed” into an intimate moment while she needs to be able to savor the emotional affirmation being given. The answer for this is that he has to learn to differentiate between the two kinds of touch and to leave adequate time between them so they are clearly separated.

We also need to understand that women who did not receive adequate touches of affirmation, as children will often mistake sexual touch to be affirming touch. While sexual intimacy is a beautiful gift from God, it does not cater to a women’s need to be loved emotionally. It is through the appropriate touches of affirmation that her self-esteem and worth are enhanced. Only as her emotional tank is filled does she experience the inclination toward sexual intimacy with her husband. Physical love, while enjoyable, does not meet the emotional needs she has. Emotionally starved women may engage in higher than normal levels of sexual activity, but it is often as a result of attempting to fulfill the emotional need for love. Her increase in sexual activity is trying to meet that emotional need but, because sex is not designed to do that for women, she finds she is still emotionally “empty.” Her husband can help develop her self-esteem and emotional fulfillment through appropriate touches of affirmation, but he needs to be certain to always separate this touch from sexual touch.

One of the problems we encounter today is the role of pornography. Men who watch pornography tend to have more trouble giving touches of affirmation because of what they see. This difficulty appears to increase with an increase in pornography viewing. The view on the screen is nearly exclusively touches leading to sexual intimacy. It’s a tragic distortion that places the emphasis of a relationship on sex rather than meeting her emotional needs. Most porn, soft or hard, is geared toward what she will do for him and it ceases to be a truly mutually affirming experience. The pornography supposedly from a woman’s perspective simply reverses the role and gives her what she desires at his expense – again without a mutually beneficial experience. The bottom line is that, if a woman’s emotional “tank” is not filled, sexual intimacy is simply a physical act that actually doesn’t affirm. Without adequate touches of affirmation apart from sexual touch, she can’t feel totally unconditionally loved.

To men, this means that sexual touching needs to be tied to permission. Women alone can give permission for intimacy – men cannot chose for their wives when intimacy is to occur. They may ask but they may not “demand” without creating a subtle and often subconscious feeling of violation. Certainly everyone likes spontaneous moments when intimacy is sparked by a sudden desire for passionate engagement. But, she has to say, “Yes.” It’s never wrong for him to ask but, if the answer is not in the affirmative, it may be because her emotional needs have not been fulfilled through regular touches and non-touch actions of affirmation. If the water pail is full and running over and can contain no more, then intimacy is more likely to happen.

Touch – so important yet so necessary to understand. I hope this article provides positive tools for helping husbands and wives learn and benefit from knowing the two primary kinds of marital touch an when to use them – touches of affirmation and sexual touches.

©2006 Mel Menker

All rights reserved. No part of this article may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means without the prior written permission of the author.