Many women struggle with the emotional pains they have experienced and often find it difficult to forgive those who have inflicted hurt. The complexity has been caused by a need to resolve the issues face-to-face and the subsequent challenges if the other person is unwilling to participate int he process. This often leads to a form of emotional bondage. Discover in the article a simple understanding and healing process.

Though my pen writes this article, it has not been without tremendous input from many women who have confirmed the understanding that forgiveness is more difficult for women than it is for men. The difficulty emanates from the fact that God has created women with a tremendous emotional capacity that men do not share. Though the tremendous emotional capacity is a distinct blessing that enables women to do things men cannot do, our spiritual adversary has distorted this gift. Today we find women in a form of bondage to their emotions in ways that actually lead to issues of codependency instead of strength and capability. The issues of emotional bondage are most prevalent in issues of forgiveness.

Because of the emotional capabilities of women, forgiveness for women is more complex because women have a strong need to resolve painful issues directly with the person who hurt them instead of being able to do it “from a distance.” Because men have a considerably smaller emotional reserve, it is generally easier for them to forgive without confrontation and resume a relationship without anyone having to admit guilt or express remorse. Often within days he has forgiven and seems to have taken the tact that it’s over, often never to be discussed again. I see this so often in marriage counseling – he’s over the problem as if it never happened and she’s still experiencing waves of misery and angry that he has moved on. What’s going on?

We need to understand that all good things come from God. Therefore, a woman being emotionally wired has to be a good thing. If we examine Proverbs 31 from the Bible, we find the characteristics of the woman spoken of to be in total charge of her life. Her competency in a variety of management arenas with her family and her business interests brings her praise from her husband and those who know her. It is her tremendous emotional capability that permits her to accomplish that which is detailed in the chapter. It is given that women are designed to be managers of their homes because of their emotional capacity. Because of this emotional ability, she is able to resolve things “instantly.” She is strong and powerful because of her strengths and the interdependence she shares with her husband enables them to form a competent team that can accomplish great things. So, what’s the problem?

The problem exposes itself when we see the negative side of this emotional capacity of women. Women have the emotional capability to resolve hurts in an instant, but they struggle to do it. Why? Our spiritual adversary has sold us a lie that their emotional pain can only be resolved in the context of direct encounter with those who have hurt them rather than being able to do it on their own. This mindset is in direct contrast to the example given of the woman in Proverbs 31. It means that, instead of being in charge, she is actually permitting herself to become dependent upon others to resolve her pain – usually being dependent upon the very one which she feels has hurt her. In the realm of marriage, this thinking moves her from a relationship of interdependence with her husband to one of dependence, which is totally contrary to God’s design.

God’s design is that men and women be created differently, each with unique strengths and abilities. When these unique differences are brought into the marriage relationship, the strengths of each compensate for the limitations of the other and a “team” filled with great potential is formed. An interdependent relationship is established which affirms the differences each brings into the relationship as necessary and positive, embraces the understanding that each one’s limitations are “covered” by the strengths of the other and discovers the vision of what those combined strengths can accomplish. The only dependent relationship any person should have is their personal relationship with God.

But, when women need or desire to resolve painful issues in the context of others rather than being able to do it on their own, their own well being is compromised and their interdependence turns to dependence which is a most unhealthy result. The problem is intensified by the fact that, if the other person doesn’t agree with what she needs to do for resolution, it never gets done and the emotional pain never really goes away.

While our adversary has duped men in pain to simply avoid dealing with emotionally painful experiences, men have learned to respond by not wanting to deal with anything, hoping it will just go away. Women, on the other hand, will over-focus on heir feelings. Instead of controlling negative emotions, women tend to permit negative emotions to control them.

How does this work? Because of this issue of dependency women have unintentionally and unknowingly embraced, women want to resolve their issues face-to-face. While that intention of one-on-one discussion is fine within itself, the emotions often take control in that women need for the situation to be resolved they way they think they need for it to be in order for forgiveness to be given. If the other person is unable or unwilling to agree with what she feels needs to be done for her to express forgiveness, then she cannot forgive and will withhold forgiveness. The resulting problem is actually that she is giving this other person control over her life! She doesn’t realize that her dependency upon the other person to agree to her “terms” is actually a form of co-dependent behavior. She becomes a “slave” to her unresolved emotional pain and literally places control of her pain in the hands of the other person who may not want to agree to what she needs to overcome her hurt. As long as the other person doesn’t respond in the way she needs, she will harbor this pain. If the person who she believes has caused the pain doesn’t agree to what she needs for reconciliation, she may even choose to break the relationship but she will continue to carry the pain with her. Even though she may no longer have a direct relationship with that person, that person will retain subtle control over her life possibly forever.

This unresolved problem will continue in future relationships and will create trigger points when something is said or done that creates a “flashback” of the pain of the past. The new person in her life may not have a clue as to what is wrong, much less realize that she is still under the control of someone in her past.

It’s time for the lie of the adversary to be laid to rest. Women, because of their tremendous emotional capacity, actually can have an easier time of letting go of pain than men. Why, because they have the emotional capability to do so! They no longer need to be under the control of another. Instead they can experience the freedom God intended – the tremendous freedom that comes from being able to forgive others without being dependent on their willingness or unwillingness to be forgiven.

How do we seize this opportunity? There are three simple steps:

First, we need to forgive freely as God has forgiven us. As Jesus hung on the cross carrying all the sins of humanity past, present and future He, in agony, called out, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.” In spite of what people had done to Him, He was able to provide the example of what it means to forgive with no strings attached. Jesus was “in charge” and not under the control of anyone. He gave no conditions for forgiveness because He knew those who inflicted pain upon Him wouldn’t understand. We can do the same through His empowerment.

Second, when the adversary seeks to remind us of the painful hurts of the past (and we know he will!), we remind ourselves, and him, that which is past is past and no longer holds our life in bondage. We refuse to return to our pain and our “slavery.” Through Christ we will retain control and not give it away. We refuse to turn inward and embrace the selfishness of pain.

Finally, we need to see people as God sees them, including those who have hurt us. God still loves those very ones who have hurt us unconditionally and desires them to be reconciled unto Himself. He sees them with all of their potential and limitations. If we see them as God does, it helps us to maintain control through any “attack” of memory that would strip us of life as intended by God.

This day, let us embrace life to the full, with God’s help, by taking control and refusing to be in bondage to emotional pain.


©2007 Mel Menker

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