This mom is out of order. (Parenting/Humor)

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I’m going to make an ‘out of order’ sign and hang it around my neck. After a day of screaming (not me, one of my kids) I don’t have the wherewithal to deal with anybody else who doesn’t stand taller than my belly button.

In lieu of that sign I made an announcement tonight after supper. “If there are any needs that must to be met tonight, you will address the man with the beard and mustache. The woman is out of order.”

Immediately one of my kiddos says, “Momma...?”

Sigh.

I hear them in my sleep. It makes me twitchy. It makes me feel guilty. I have to get up and go see who wants what. Then I have to stand in a dark hall for five minutes because I can’t remember why I got up or where I am. Then, I hear the cough.

Sure enough, the one that had been screaming all day is sick. Now that I have the peace and quiet I yearned for, I will stand sentry all night nursing a child with a fever and praying that he feels better soon...only so I can be terrorized yet another day in my own home.

You know what makes being a stay-at-home mom tough? You never get to leave work. Oh, sure, there are the quick runs to the store for toilet paper that take me two hours because I’ve got to milk my outing for all it’s worth, but then I have to go back home. And the minute I walk in the door the crying starts again.

For some reason, when the kids are alone with Dad they are happy and get along fairly well. The minute I walk in the door this one needs a drink, that one needs a hug, the other has a complaint and somebody else has to tattle on the one that is suddenly hiding behind the sofa.

“Couldn’t you have asked Dad for any of these things? You know he is capable of getting glasses of water and sending teasers to the corner for a time out.” No, they wait until I come home.

So I lock myself in the bathroom. This is where I keep all my magazines unless I want to see them shredded and strewn all over the house. Sure enough, the youngest barges in the bedroom and bangs on the bathroom door. “Momma? What are you doing?”

“What do you think?”

“Can I have a glass of water?”

“Go ask somebody else...like your sisters or your brother or Dad!”

“Oh. Okay.”

The next time I go to the store, I’m buying earplugs. If I don’t hear them, they don’t need me, right?

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©Lisa Barker - Jelly Mom™ is written by Lisa Barker, mother of five and author of "Just Because Your Kids Drive You Insane... Doesn't Mean You Are A Bad Parent!" and is syndicated through Parent To Parent™. To publish Jelly Mom™, buy the book or leave comments, please visit http://www.jellymom.com. Sign up for the complimentary Jelly Mom™ weekly newsletter and receive a BONUS GIFT!