In this article Samantha takes us through her near death experience in the hope of showing the reader the depth of the emotion left behind by these experiences.

Choosing To Live by Samantha


I feel the words rising through my body as I am pulled to write. I hear the words vibrating through the echoes of my mind as I am starved of sleep. I know all that has to come and I know all that has been and I am pushed, pushed physically, mentally and emotionally to write again.

I found that moment. I found that one moment in time that will be like no other, that could not possibly ever be like any other. That one moment in which my very life was taken from me and returned and yet my life will never be the same again.

Near Death they call it. Near Death, I call it a living death. I call it a living death because in that moment that seemed so small in time I experienced all of time. All of everything I have never experienced and all I still desire to do. Some part of me. A part that has never known consciously what it is that I desire to do. In that one moment as I felt my own breath choke me I felt the life leave my body and my soul was born free. I felt the joy, the freedom and then the fear. The fear of leaving the life I had been creating, the fear of leaving my young children motherless at such a tender age, a tender age, why leave your children at any age? Do we not promise to be there for them body and soul the moment they are born. Do we not live as part of them as they grow.

I write constantly and yet it has pained me to write of this experience. Not because of the power or implication of the words I choose to use but it has held me in its grasp, it has held me in the fear and the intensity of emotions so strong. I have felt everything there is to feel and yet I have felt nothing at all. The pain I feel still brings me to tears and the emotion of losing my children and them losing me is still so intense that I cannot bear to feel the experience again, to connect with the energy of that moment and yet I know it is something that must be done. For I may never be the same again. I know that death was not destined for me on that day but I know that I my life will never be the same again. Life cannot go back to how it was. Everything has change, everything within me.

I remember briefly opening my eyes to be surrounded by orbs. A thick band of solid orb surrounded my bed like a curtain between me and the world. I remember feeling people stood behind me, which could not be right as there was a wall behind me. I felt the souls of all those who have passed before me stood behind me and then I felt my grandmothers touch. A grandmother I have no living memories of. A grandmother who has been so whole to me since in spirit. A grandmother who I feel has never left my side and here she was again but this time I felt her hand on my shoulder, I felt her words as she told me I could come now. I turned and saw my grandad stood there smiling and he took me by the hand. I remember my confusion at this moment, still not realising what was happening. I remember the crowds of people stood behind me as I somehow moved forward into somewhere else. Somewhere indistinguishable. Somewhere so light and loving and warm and I remember holding his hand and walking and I felt fine but confused and then it hit me. I realised what was happening. I realised I was passing over. My grandad turned and smiled at me and said its ok, you can come now, you can come home and he smiled, he smiled as he walked me away from the life I had just begun to love, he walked me away from the children I had promised never to leave and in that moment I felt pain like I have never felt. This was no physical pain and yet it was. I remember screaming and screaming my children, my children, what about Ella and Yasmin. I have to go back, I have to be there for them. I have to be there. I must get back to my children. I need to be with Ella and Yasmin. Don't do this to my children. I haven't finished yet. I have to go back and live. I remember screaming and screaming the words over and over again. I remember the feeling of fighting for my life. Fighting to live like I will never feel again. I remember thinking it can’t be over yet. It Can’t be. I can’t let this happen. And then there was a door. A door. I remember a door. A door of light and I could hear myself screaming and screaming and struggling and struggling as my grandad held on to my hand. The people that were stood behind me now moved in front of me. In front of the door. I remember the pain of emotion as I begged to be with my children. ‘I have more to do, I have more to do’. I could hear myself saying ‘I have more to do’ over and over again and then ‘bam’ I remember the thump of landing back into my body and the the rush and noise of a breath going through me and then the relief. Relief flooded through me so strongly that I could not choose whether to laugh or cry. I could only feel that I was alive. I could feel every nook and cranny of my body and the sensation of elation at being alive. Everything was quiet despite the noise around me all I could here was the loudness of my breath and all I could feel was the force of my heart beat going through my body. I was alive. Alive.

Near Death or Living death haunts you. It is as if the world stopped turning and you were the only one that noticed, just for a moment. In that one moment you let go of everything and the one thing that I let go of was fear. In that moment I lost every fear I have ever had and literally could not feel fear. Six months later I remain that way. It is as if I have been born again. I have lost all the fears of childhood and I have realised that there is nothing to be afraid of in this lifetime. I ‘woke’ from that moment with a sense of loss, I lost my life that was before, everything seemed to feel and look so different. Even colours seemed to be much brighter and whilst losing a sense of my life that had been I found myself once again. I found everything that I had come to be only now there was no fear to block my path.

There is a daze that stays with you. It stayed with me for weeks. When you experience a moment like this it leaves you with a series of thoughts from questioning whether it really took place, to what are you going to do with the rest of your life right through to whether you are now on borrowed time. I remember all of those thoughts, all of those feelings. All of those emotions. Life becomes surreal for a little while. You mourn the life you have lived because it cannot be the same and then when your mourning is done, you choose to live again.


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