My article appeared in the StrokeNetwork newsletter.

Get Your Affairs in Order!

Are you a baby-boomer that is having a difficult time talking to your parents about end of life issues? You are not alone. Are you a senior that wants to talk to your adult children about your funeral wishes and find that they don’t want to discuss morbid topics? Once again; you are not alone. There is a huge communication problem with parents and their offspring when it comes to talking about subjects relating to death, dividing assets, and other issues that should be planned for. Families seem to have an easy time talking about world issues, religion, and child-rearing, but cannot seem to start the dialogue about personal wishes regarding life support, funeral arrangements, and other necessary topics. Research by the National Hospice Foundation shows that boomers would rather talk to their teens about sex and drugs than to talk to their terminally ill parents about end of life issues. Yikes! That is pretty startling since I know how much I want to avoid talking to my kids about sex!

Let’s start at the route of this problem. I have had the opportunity to talk to many boomers that are terrified to approach their parents to talk about making plans for their golden years. Some have tried it once. When they brought up the subject, they were met with a frosty glare and their parent’s comment, “You just want my money now before I am even dead yet, don’t you?” That’s a little tough to answer. The conversation is halted before it even begins. Is that why people don’t want to talk about it? Is it just because people see the actual dividing of their worldly goods as being a money issue? Are we so intertwined with our self worth being measured by our assets that we don’t see the big picture? The big picture is this: we are all going to die and it is imperative that some arrangements are made beforehand.

Talking about our net worth and personal wishes about what we want to happen after we leave this earth is a touchy subject to many. It can be similar to tiptoeing through a land mine with all the excess baggage that exists within each family. It can be a scary journey to embark on. Yet, the journey can only be started with open, honest dialogue.

I have also heard the other side of this mystifying coin. Seniors that know they have a terminal illness have shared their dismal conversations with their adult children with me. When they approached their family, they were met with a look of horror as their offspring say, “You are going to be fine. I don’t want to talk about such depressing things.” Do they honestly think that by not talking about it, that the outcome will be different? Do you and your family fit into any of these categories? Then read on.

How important is it to get your affairs in order? Personally, I think it is very important. There are so many situations that can come along in life we cannot foresee. We can all do things to make it easier for our loved ones in the event of an unexpected crisis. September 11th was one of the most catastrophic days this country has ever experienced. I hope we never see another one like it. Yet, one interesting fact kept emerging over and over again. Since the average age of the victims was well below retirement age, the vast majority did not leave a will. There were no instructions on assets, children, and other personal wishes. Not having a will can tie probate up for a year or more. It is certainly something to think about. Getting your affairs in order is something that people of all ages should address.

Plain and simple: People cannot carry out your wishes if they do not know what they are. It is hard enough to make decisions for a person that is incapacitated, or dies unexpectedly, when you know what they want. It is impossible to do when you have no idea what their wishes are. People tend to think they know what loved ones want. We sort of incorporate our own feelings and beliefs into what we assume others want. That is not always true . Take a piece of paper and write down the names of five people you are the closest to. Next to their name, write what you think they want as far as a living will, cremation vs. burial, organ donation, and funeral choices. Now ask each person how he or she feels about each subject. Their answers might surprise you. I know that when I did it I was very surprised how far off the mark I was on a few people that are very near and dear to me. It was enough to make me dig deeper into their feelings on other issues.

So, what do we do with this inability to communicate about some hard topics? I’m not sure I have all the answers, but I do think that some of the communication problem lies in the delivery. If a boomer wants to initiate a discussion about end of life issues, they should probably NOT approach their parents with a statement like this: “I think you are getting old. How much money do you have? I think it’s time for you to make out a will.” Parents don’t take advice too easily from their kids, especially about their money. It might be a better idea as an adult child to say, “My spouse and I went to a lawyer today. We had a living will made up. This is what it is and this is why we did it. We also had a will drawn up because we want to be responsible parents if something should happen to us.” Mom and Dad might not jump over to the phone to call their lawyer, but it will give them food for thought. They can ask you questions and you can share your knowledge with them without it becoming a personal situation for them. Also, that way you get two generations taking care of things. Two generations have opened up a new line of communication.

If you fall into the category of an adult child that cannot allow their parents to talk about these issues, you have got to face reality. Statistically, you will outlive your parents. Nobody wants to talk about death, but it is a fact of life. While there is life, you can ease your parent’s worries about things that are important to them, even if you find them morbid and depressing. A few hours of your time in an uncomfortable setting can be a positive experience for three reasons. One; you will get a clearer insight into parts of your parent’s personalities that they often do not share. Two, you will give your parent a sense of comfort and peace. Three; when you open up those huge doors that inhibit most families, you may find other issues being discussed that are personal and ultimately creating a closer relationship.

If you are fortunate enough to break the ice and get your family together to get the ball rolling, here are some things that should be discussed:

1. Is there a will and where is it?
2. Do they want a living will? Explain it to them if they do not understand.
3. Funeral choices. Cremation vs. burial. Wake or not? Do they want to prepay their funeral? Where do they want to be buried?
4. Do they want to be an organ donor?
5. Where are the vital papers kept? Items such as social security number, birth certificate, veteran information, marriage certificate, insurance policies (life and medical). I have met many boomers that had been told by their parents that they had life insurance. Yet, after the parent passed away, no policy could ever be found. Without the policy and insurance company’s name, no payments could be made.
6. If they have a safe deposit box, where are the keys?
7. Bank account information. Do they own stocks?
8. If they have pets, whom do they trust to care for them? (this is one that few people give any thought to)

9. If they are fortunate enough to be in a high tax bracket, maybe a living trust might be in order. But always consult a good, reputable estate attorney when making decisions about wills and trusts.


I speak to many groups and it always shocks me when I hear from so many people that do not have a basic will. Many more do not have a living will and do not understand it. One day I was at a senior talk and one woman told me that she would never have a living will because doctors would let her die before her time, just so they could get her organs. She was in her early 80’s. She was sharp as a tack and very healthy. But even so, I doubt that doctors were following her around so they could take her organs. Just for the record: A living will gives someone you trust the authority to disconnect life support if you are unable to communicate and are brain dead. Some living wills I have seen have a section where you can stipulate whether you want to be an organ donor or not. You can put no if that is your wish.

The part that always makes me sad in this is the inability to open a dialogue with those that are the closest to you. One day a woman called me after reading my book. She said that she had to tell me that her son loved me. I didn’t know why since I didn’t know him. She went on to explain that her son was a lawyer. For ten years he had been after her to get her affairs in order. She always shooed him away and said, “There’s plenty of time for that.” After she read my book, she called him and told him to get all the necessary papers in order and she wanted to discuss wills, living wills, etc. He was ecstatic. Not because he wanted her money, but because he knows the horrors that can happen when there are no preparations made. It was a nice compliment for me. Yet, I couldn’t help but feel sad that she was listening to me (a virtual stranger) and had not listened to her own son for ten years that was a LAWYER. Like I said, it’s not an easy subject for parents and adult children to talk about. We must find ways to make this easier.