Are there folks that you need a holiday gift for, but wish you didn't have to bother? Here are some ideas whose time will never come.

The Don King Chia Pet. This is just a natural; I’m surprised no one else came up with it, particularly Don King.

A remote controlled GPS. Think of the fun you could have if you could change your brother-in-laws GPS programming when he is running late for that important meeting. Think how happy he’ll be when you direct him to the liquor store.

Personalized bumper stickers. Think of the laughs you can have by putting these on the bumper of all the cars in the employee lot that say: Jesus loves everyone; except for Your bosses name here.

Little artificial Christmas trees, decorated with Menorahs, and whatever the symbol for Kwanzaa is. By including everyone, everyone gets offended. Perfect for when the Jehovah’s Witnesses stop by, and you are at a loss as to how to get rid of them.

Christmas Invoices. Think about the potential effectiveness of this. Elegant note cards, decorated in the Christmas motif, with stylish raised lettering that says:

Since you obviously had no clue what to get me last year, I saved you the trouble and shopped for myself. I am delighted with your thoughtfulness and generosity at the holiday season. Kindly remit $50.00 to this address.

These should be mailed right after Thanksgiving.

The channel changing DVD. This is a sterling idea for most males. Since they spend so much time in front of the TV, constantly going through all 208 channels with the remote control, in a fruitless effort to find “something good on,” why not have a DVD that changes the channel every three seconds. It would save much wear and tear on their thumb. It would be a lot better than that DVD of the fire in the fireplace.

Bluetooth for geeks. This is just a darn winner for the family dork. Imagine the thrill on his face when he opens a package to find Mr. Spock ears, with a built-in Bluetooth. Now, he has a good reason for staying in character all year long.

Etch-A-Bitch. This is perfect for that sister-in-law that is always making fun of you, just because you don’t have a job. You give the Etch-A-Bitch to one of her children, and no matter what they do; it produces a very non-flattering image of her. You will be able to customize it from her own portrait, by adding such things as a moustache, moles, seventy-five pounds, and a neck tattoo of Dick Cheney naked.

The Phony CD. First, you find out a CD that your target really wants, and an authentic looking CD cover is created. However, every song on the CD is Tennessee Ernie Ford singing “Sixteen Tons.” Also available in the rap version.

The Authentic looking “You Won The Look-A-Like Contest!” Certificate. The object of your holiday gift giving will receive a handsome document that states that they have won the contest for looking just like an important famous person. Select from either Ernest Borgnine, Marty Feldman, Courtney Love, Rosie O’Donnell, or Dick Cheney. Frame extra.