Revisiting the vaults of pacifist literature from the Peloponnesian War period that absolutely giggles with unfunny relevance, as we confront the horrible reality that this Neanderthal country is soon going to be ours to run, if we care enough do it, and unless we get rolling on something more serious than tickling ourselves, tickling itself will be banned by the humorless neo-fascists currently occupying our Ovaries.

Lysistrata Revisited

In case you slept through your Greek Comedy Class, there is a rather mind-blowing theatre script from the vaults of pacifist literature from the Peloponnesian War period that absolutely giggles with unfunny relevance, as we confront the horrible reality that this Neanderthal country is soon going to be ours to run, if we care enough do it, and unless we get rolling on something more serious than tickling ourselves, tickling itself will be banned by the humorless neo-fascists currently occupying our Ovaries.
The story goes like this: the women of Athens band together around one central base of power: their very wombs. Weary of the war against Sparta, the wives in Lysistrata heroically organize and go on sexual strike against their husbands, and are joined by prostitutes and priestesses alike in one hysterical act of truly grass-roots direct action that brought the battle of the sexes down to one simple reality:
Love is better than war.
Aristophanes is way headier than Aristotle, just as Groucho Marx is cooler than Karl. The philosophy of comedy is quite serious, except for the clowns who repeatedly insist on getting offended.
Therefore, I boldly propose, in the name of Lysistrata, that all lovers of life adopt a passive pro-peace stance by steadfastly refusing to have intercourse with anyone who does not support diplomatic solutions to military problems. This will, incidentally, lead to more fulfilling and time-consuming relationships in general.
Feel free to disagree. But the logic is lovely. And unless you like war, time to vote with your womb or willy. While it still is yours.
Which brings up another point. When I was younger and still working out a position on abortion, I was actually refused sex by a rather appealing young woman, who I liked quite well and wanted for a possible long-term relationship, specifically because I was troubled by abortion and unsure I would want to be party to one.
With age, refinement, and a more realistic approach to egalitarian personal politics, I am actually able to commend that painful stand, though at the time I sure tried talking her out of such extreme measures. She was absolutely right, and I wish more women would be that committed to their personal beliefs. We stayed friends before destiny drifted us apart, but I will always value that rejection more than many of the successful seductions I pulled off during my “get laid at all costs” college phase.
She touched my soul by respecting her own body enough to know what she wanted.
Haven’t really changed my own idea that much, although as a libertarian, I supported the technical legality of any such personal choice staying personal, in the event of emergency. I did and do support birth control as a better option. Condoms suck, but all my friends that skipped them pay child support.
I still am troubled by the psychological and physical damage associated with surgical abortion, particularly that caused by intolerant patriarchal control freaks who deign to legislate the sex lives of their children.
As Good Ole Uncle Ben, God of the one Hundred Dollar Bill, sagely stated, “an ounce of prevention is worth an ounce of cure,” or something like that. In real life, sex makes people forget wise old cliché’s, and abortion is statistically safer than unwanted pregnancy, both macro- and micro-cosmically.
An intelligent society is ready to adjust our tools to various stages of circumstance and offer emergency relief where it can prevent a flood of tragedies in the making: no-hassle bailout without stigmatization to those who lacked the experience to avoid danger in the first place. There are worse things to be in this world than innocent and naïve about the hazards of fast love. Judge not the harlot, for she loves without fear.
And for the true victim of unwanted implantation through force, refusing relief from a totally uninvited pregnancy is literally inhuman. We need say no more.
But more nevertheless must be said, for I am compelled to speak for sanity in a world so mad we all tend to mock the very notion. I will shut up when everyone is happy and not one minute before.
And in fairness, we ought to move forward to better strategies for safer sex, including open, early discussions of personal relationships and how important love is between all human beings, including those we may wish to explore our bodies with in peace and privacy.
We absolutely need to ensure, as a sane society, that no person be forced to breed against hir will. This Law is of Nature. Such children have a world of problems and the reluctant parents must overcome great obstacles while sacrificing their more heartfelt dreams. Therefore the decision belongs to the one person most affected: the owner of the ovaries herself.
Therefore, a logical syllogism explaining why no one should have extramarital sex with right-wing Republicans:
A. Republicans support overturning Roe V. Wade and cutting funding to common-sense pregnancy strategies like Planned Parenthood and liberal sex ed programs, as well as open persecution of single mothers.
B. A Republican who does not demand marriage or adoption in the event of pregnancy is a hypocrite,
C. Therefore, stick to surrogate motherhood and at least get paid for turning out your womb to bear someone else’s precious troubled child, or marry the jerk if you like him that much.
D. A gay Republican is too confused to trust in bed unless way out of the closet, because if you can justify working with Bush, you can kill to keep your bedtime secrets. Fiscal conservatives make good sugar daddies if they are truly godless.
E. Sex is a privilege, not a right.
F. Military personnel who regret their part in the conflict should be given extra good treatment upon return from the war. Prostitutes and strippers can help by offering freebies to any GI wearing an “Anybody But Bush” button or a peace slogan. Let us welcome home the veterans with dignity. Blow kisses and let them know you are glad they finally came home.
If you, like most individuals who like to do their own thinking, want to avoid marrying someone just to see if sex with them is any good, stick to safe sex strategies like knowing your partner, discussing contraception, practicing alternative intimacy such as massage, oral adventures, and mutual masturbation, and take responsibility for making the choice yours before the first flirt is returned.
Naturally, no one needs to make their sex choices based on my opinion. And that is precisely the point. I accepted a free vasectomy from Planned Parenthood rather than force my lovely soulmate and her unconcieved child to obey my whims for the rest of their lives. Take it or leave it, what you do in bed is something my partner and I may fantasize about but don’t really want to see. Unless you want us to.
So love yourself, and think for yourself, and remember that sex is best when it is stress-free, and best of all when based on mutual commitment to core values. Too many have made preventable mistakes that last a lifetime, and those that easily end one.
Play safe. Play slow. Linger on the moment as long as you can. And the body is indeed a temple to whatever you may find holy inside, and no one, including me, is entitled to dictate what that may be.
I call Her Goddess, and She is Love itself.
“An ye harm none, learn and have fun.”-Amana Mission, High Priestess
Church of the Mountain’s Daughter of Latter-Day Pranksters
Peace Love Unity Respect Acceptance Light
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