meet my brave and gentle friend ---- Heidi

DOCTORA HEIDI

She used to sit right there in the front pew every Sunday at Mass. She had such a beautiful smile, and she looked somewhat familiar to me, but I could not quite remember her name.

But every Sunday there she was with her beautiful smile, looking very attractive and friendly, and prayerful, and devout, and petite and young . . . . And I thought she would be in Grade IV or Grade V, from Poveda or Assumption or Miriam or Immaculate Conception Academy.

Then one day she stopped coming to my Sunday Mass. And since I did not know her name, I could not trace her.

But Fr. Vic Baltazar of the Ateneo came, and gave our Retreat in Xavier School, and he asked me, “Did you hear about Heidi?” “Heidi who?” I asked. “Heidi Chan - the pamangkin of Alice Chan — she has cancer of the brain.” “Who? What? Tell me.”

“Well, Heidi is the only daughter of Peter, the brother of Alice Chan. Heidi is a doctor now, you know. Recently, after her rounds at St. Luke’s Hospital, she had a seizure. And the experts examined her, and found out she had a tumor in her brain. Probably cancerous. Please pray for her!”

I was shocked at the news, and I really felt sad. Heidi Chan — the niece of Alice — the little girl I’d met at a dozen parties, cute Heidi, always smiling, always courteous, always friendly. Now a doctor?!? And has a tumor in her brain? Probably cancerous tumor of the brain? Why, I’ll do more than pray for her. I’ll visit her. Right now.

And so, I got into a taxi and went to St. Luke’s Hospital, and I asked for the room of Dra. Heidi Chan. I entered the room, and it was totally dark. All the lights had been extinguished. I saw only dark shadows. Dark shadows of people. And things.

Gradually I detected a form, a human form, lying down on the hospital bed. It was the cancer patient: Dra. Heidi P. Chan.

Her head had been totally shaved, and she looked strange, and she looked different, but despite the darkness and the baldness, I recognized her. . . . The cancer patient, Doctora Heidi Chan, was the same little girl with the beautiful smile, prayerfully and devoutly attending my Mass, every Sunday!!!

The little girl was not in Grade IV, or Grade V. The little girl was a medical doctor! — a doctor who happened to look very petite, and very, very young. My missing little girl was a doctor of medicine — now with cancer in her brain — Dra. Heidi P. Chan!

I went near the sickbed, and I looked at my little girl. I looked tenderly, compassionately at Doctora Heidi P. Chan.

How cruel, how unfair, how unkind of God to afflict her with cancer! Cancer of the brain!!

And why Heidi, of all people? Why not others? Why not me? WHY NOT ME? Heidi is so good, and so kind! And after finishing medicine, she is now ready to serve God’s suffering people!! But she is stricken with cancer! . . . How can the good God allow such a cruel, unfair, terrible disaster?

I was very angry, very sad, and very upset. At that moment, Heidi opened her beautiful eyes. And at once, she recognized me. And smiled. “Fr. JJ!! You’re here!” She saw how upset, how sad I was. And she began speaking, very gently, very clearly. I knelt down, so she wouldn’t have to strain. “YOU KNOW, FR. JJ, I NEVER QUESTIONED, I NEVER BLAMED GOD FOR MY CONDITION. AND I NEVER COMPLAINED. . . .”

What could I say? I just remained silent, on my knees.

“I KNOW THAT I’LL BECOME A BETTER DOCTOR BECAUSE OF THIS EXPERIENCE. I WILL UNDERSTAND HOW MY PATIENTS FEEL. I WILL BE VERY GENTLE WITH THEM.”

She was not afraid of death. She was not overcome by fear. What made her so sure she would survive?

“YOU KNOW, FR. JJ, MY DADDY HAS BECOME VERY RELIGIOUS, VERY CLOSE TO GOD, BECAUSE OF MY SICKNESS. I SEE HIM PRAYING VERY, VERY OFTEN. I THINK HE’S DOWN IN THE CHAPEL NOW, PRAYING AGAIN FOR ME.”

I thought of her dad, the brother of Alice . . . my friend . . . Mr. Peter Chan. . . . What must he be feeling right now? What is he thinking? . . . about Heidi, about the cancer, about God? And I thought of Dra. Baby Pangilinan Chan, the mother of Heidi. Always good, always kind. What anguish, what trial of faith she must be suffering!

Heidi continued speaking to me, gently, slowly . . . and from the heart. . . . Here was Heidi, the cancer patient - and she was the one consoling me! Me, a Priest of God!

Deep, deep within me, I was blaming God — blaming God. . . . LIKE YOU, when YOUR ONLY SON OR YOUR BELOVED MOTHER is struck down and killed by DENGUE FEVER, or CANCER, or by a senseless car ACCIDENT, or by a careless FIRE at home!

Deep, deep within me, I was blaming God, because I could never understand His unfairness, His cruelty, when He allowed my mother, NATY, to die of a heart attack when she was only 40, leaving six vulnerable orphans to suffer all their lives because of an inadequate, incapable father.

I was blaming God, for my own weaknesses and personal mistakes and misfortunes and failures . . . . I was blaming God for the everlasting tragedy of all my noble crusades, which never reached the holy land of success.

I was blaming God for every promised paradise on earth that, because of His neglect and absence and lack of sensitivity and care, deteriorated into a wasteland of pain and frustration and defeat and death for me, and for the people I loved.

And I was blaming God, my brothers and sisters, like YOU, I was blaming HIM, for all our heavens that turned to hell.

I was blaming Him for painful, ugly cancer and heart attacks and dengue fever and fires and wars and sinking ships and aborted babies; blaming Him for raped and murdered girls, for earthquakes, floods and famine, and cruel death.

How can a gentle God of love allow His helpless children to suffer? Yes! How can a gentle God of love destroy His helpless children . . . helpless children, like you . . . and you . . . and me . . . and Heidi?

The cancer patient looked up at me. What an everlasting contrast between her and me!! That little girl had no anger. No resentment. No questioning. No blame. Only the simplicity and clarity and obedience and faith of a genuine child.

Gently, little Heidi placed her tiny hand upon my old, hardened, unbelieving hand . . . and she smiled . . . for she knew, and she accepted . . . and then, I felt the gentleness and the tenderness and the goodness of her touch, and then we were both silent . . . and together, we prayed for a long, long time.

And then, I began to feel, like a gentle breeze, I began to feel the mysterious, undeniable, transcendent PRESENCE OF GOD . . . and then I was overwhelmed by His INFINITE LOVE.

But still I did not understand. . . . Yet Heidi did — and because of her, I allowed myself to be embraced by the ineffable, loving PRESENCE OF GOD . . . to be embraced by the bleeding arms of the agonizing, abandoned, JESUS CHRIST. And then there was no more blame and no more thought, but only infinite presence and intense love.

“Depart from me, O Lord, for I am a sinful man. . . . Depart from me, O Lord, for I am a sinful man.”

At last I saw, I knew, through Heidi. The Presence. The Wisdom. The Love Of God.

And I realized that it was good I was on my knees, for I was in the holy presence of the holy God . . . and His holy love . . . and His holy child, HEIDI.



Fr. JJ Jesena, SJ

(Note: Miraculously, Heidi was healed. She wrote this letter. — ACJ)

A LETTER FROM HEIDI

September 20, 1998

My Everdearest Fr. JJ,

Thank you very much Fr. JJ for praying for me when I was sick of brain tumor.

You were very instrumental in my healing — both physical and, more importantly, spiritual healing.

I will never forget the day when I just got home from the hospital, and I felt very anxious, afraid, lost and depressed. Good thing my brother got hold of you in spite of your busy schedule. Thank you for calming my spirit.

One day you visited me and gave me FOUR BEAUTIFUL ANGELS. I still have your little card. It says.

My dear Heidi,

You have always been my angel.

And now your recent sickness has made me go back to you and be touched by your goodness and your faith and to be healed and embraced once more by Jesus Christ, My Brother and my Friend — all because of you, Heidi, MY LITTLE ANGEL.

Father JJ

Remember when you said Mass in my bedroom (before I left for the US for another operation)? It was a very spirit-filled Mass. Up to now, I’m still wondering how you (with your big tummy), my whole family, and I fit inside my tiny room. Thank you for praying not only for me, but for my family as well.

I will never forget the evenings after I got well when you would drop by St. Luke’s Hospital and have me paged so that we could pray over your friends (or friends’ relatives/friends) who were sick. I would see you very tired and limping (after a long day’s work and trekking both ends of Metro Manila to visit and pray for other people). Still, you would have the energy to pray for patients, hear their Confession, anoint them, and give them Holy Communion.

Your “selfless” ways of serving the Lord by serving others has taught me to become a better doctor. Thank you for being my Teacher.

Father Jay, thank you for giving me the privilege of working with you and helping you. This has meant a lot to me. Thank you for trusting me.

Fr. Jay, thank you very much for praying for my cousin Carla while she was sick, and for celebrating Mass for her when she was finally united with the Lord. Thank you for reminding all of us that we cannot give life to Carla, for only God can give life; and what’s important is that we were able to give Carla what we can give — LOVE.

And that was exactly what you have been giving me, my family, and everybody — LOVE!!

THANK YOU FR. JJ, FOR LOVING US!

Finally, I feel really blessed to have you as my buddy. Thank you, my BIG FRIEND with a BIG HEART!


Love and Prayers,


HEIDI

(Note: But the cancer came back. Heidi wrote me again. — ACJ)


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ANOTHER LETTER FROM HEIDI

February 2, 2000

My Everdearest Fr. JJ,

It never crossed my mind that, after four years, my brain tumor would recur. I felt I had been completely healed by the Lord.

After I got well in 1996, I finished my Medical Internship, then passed the Board Exams. I took up Dermatology for Residency. But when I was about to enter my second year of training, I had another seizure. My brain scan gave me the bad news — my tumor had recurred!

It was a shock for all of us. If, before, I did not question the Lord, this time I did.

I had so many “whys” in my mind. I complained to God. But little did I know that this trial would be a turning point in my life.

After my second brain operation, I have undergone 33 sessions of radiotherapy. My hair now looks very funny, since my hair cannot grow well in the different areas of my scalp where radiation had passed. But that’s just fine with me.

On July 26, 1999, I started my 9-month chemotherapy. However, on my 14th day, I had to stop because my WBC (the white blood cells, our body’s defenses vs. infection) dropped too abruptly. I was put on reverse isolation. With my very low WBC counts, I was prohibited from going out. I resumed my chemo-therapy on October 8, 1999. It will be finished by June 2000.

While on chemotherapy, I had the chance to pray and meditate often. And, since praying is communing with God, I learned to be silent that He may be able to speak to me.

For the first time in my life, spending time with God has become more enjoyable. The sound of the flow of water (from the small fountain inside my room) plus Jesuit inspirational music calm my spirit. They make my prayer time more meaningful. I feel God’s presence, His touch, His love.

The Lord has been teaching me so many things, too, correcting my old ways. He has been watching my every move (and thought) and He calls my attention whenever they displease Him.

Sometimes, I would be very stubborn insisting on my own ways, but of course in the end He’d always turn out to be right. I bend my knees, bow my head, and apologize with my whole heart. But our God is a merciful God! He’s always ready to forgive with His arms stretched out, ready to receive and embrace us once more!

The Lord also introduced me to His mother, the Blessed Virgin Mary. I now have a mother in heaven to whom I always run whenever the adverse effects of the chemo drugs make life almost unbearable. Now, I pray the rosary with more reverence and I try to give her the respect that is due her.

The Lord has been our provider. He never fails. Our God is a very generous God!

The most important thing that happened to me in this whole purifying experience is that God has made me realize how abundant His blessings are to me! I have come to realize that God has given me a loving and supportive family — the very persons in my life whom I often take for granted! Ever since I got sick for the second time, my family gathers every evening to pray. And if only for this, then I thank God for having given me this trial.

He has filled my heart with gratitude! Each new day is a gift from God!

He has given me faith — faith that I am already healed! He has given me hope — hope that my dreams will be fulfilled in His own sweet time! I thank God for this trial, because through this, I have finally and totally opened the door of my heart to Him, my infinite Lover!

Fr. JJ, let me end this letter with a little prayer.

Dear Lord Jesus Christ,

Thank you for being the doctor of my physical life, but more importantly my SPIRITUAL life. I know I’m still sick in so many ways. Continue to be my healer, Lord, now and forever .



I love you very, very much.


Your loving daughter,


HEIDI