Like you, my dearest LaBelle, I don’t believe in such a thing as “absence of signs” of deterioration or emotional estrangement in a marriage (or indeed any equivalent relationship). What happens, in too many cases, is that, for a wide and varied number of reasons, such signs (some more subtle, yes, but others rather obvious) are simply ignored, or dismissed – especially when one of the partners does not spend her or his time bitching or complaining about the other or the relationship, has given up trying to discuss any issues with the other because he or she has grown weary of the scenes that would usually trigger, and simply withdraws – or then begins to focus his or her interest and attention on a “world” outside the relationship, which, as hard as it may be for many to believe or even care to understand, does not always and necessarily include “illicit” relationships (infidelity). I also have to concur, however, on the high likelihood of a partner (or even both) becoming close to someone else when they are no longer emotionally close to one another – and it would not be sensible to disregard the probability of that closeness to someone else actually evolving into the need and the desire to share one’s life with them. In any case, if the relationship (marriage or equivalent) has indeed reached a point when it cannot be recovered and is obviously not going to work anymore as such, because, as you so wisely point out, it simply ceased to be wanted, it seems like the most reasonable and honest option would be for the couple to agree on ending it, on decent and equitable terms. This is a perfectly feasible and fair solution, providing – again, as you point out - both elements of the couple involved are willing to pursue it. If, however, one of them is intent, instead, on starting a war and nurturing it in and out of court – which can happen for the reasons you suggest and also due to other negative motivations – then a respectable, fair outcome becomes very difficult, if not impossible, to achieve. It is too bad that options like the latter really turn out to be the ones encouraged by so many of those tendentious “How To” books, articles, and shows – and that so many people fail to see that, by feeding such negative attitudes with their paranoid concepts, these so-called, greatly questionable “experts” are only and really making “fat and luscious” what in turn, and simultaneously, provides them with the “feed” on which they thrive, like maggots, and proliferate. Like you, my wise friend, I would urge people to get real – and aware. And I commend and thank you, wholeheartedly, for this realistic and intelligent approach. With my admiration and respect, along with lots of love & {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}},
Alexandra*

With women, our intuition REALLY tells us!
Good and important article Belle!!!
If it's dead, we must move on!
Only your heart KNOWS for sure, Ppl hide too long from their own feelings, I was married 19yrs, 2X's~! to the same man.
#5 years the Divorced! and then #13yrs. and then Divorced in 2000, I dated 4 differ. men, not for long. YOU either know your feelings or you don't! I knew I wanted a real relationship, not playing house!
and him keep his DISTANCE! I just wanted more, it all turned out heaven scent//sent!
Warmly, Warrior Purple Lady Sheeeoox

STay Positive!
STay SAFE!
p.s My Divorces to him, was lack of intelligence *( I found - Or I should say Love and him found me, he did through Match.com) and he drank like a sieve and lost his license 2xs. I wanted to be a better role model for my girls! and I did! :) Kept me STRONG! Amen!

There are all kinds of fancy titles out there these days that profess to be bona fide relationship experts but still somthing would trigger keep eyes open if smart

Fee

Experts cant give you sure fire signs to whats going on in your relationship.
It all comes down to you gut feelings.

I don't need to read one of those books.
I know just what my wife is up too.
She trys to be sneaky, and clever about it, but she can't hide it.
She wants the land, house, and money. She won't
even talk to me about setting up a will. I thinks she
figures I'll die first.
She always tells people who call, "oh everything is just fine."
When she knows damn well it's not. She hasn't taken over any contol
in this family, but would love to. She never pays on any bills,
ever. I bought this house and land.
She makes our kids think like her, just never say anything and
just keep old Dad guessing
I don't think she has cheated on me, but I'm going to on her. I mean she cut out sex in 2000, every once in a while gives head.
She has stopped that now. She is always trying to push my buttons,
but that doesn't work for her anymore.
The woman shows no compassion or love.
I love my kids, and that is the only reason I'm here.
I've give my all to this woman, feelings, etc.
I have to hound her if she ever tells me how she really feels about s
something. And then I don't get a straight answer.
sorry to go on so long La Belle..
Hugs

Experts, they needed to go somewhere, the first said "we can't go up"
the second said, "we certainly can't go dow!" "Well", said the third, "going left is out of question" "And," said the fourth, "going right will take us nowhere" "going forward has taken us no where so we stopped, forward? no more!" "hey"," said the fifth, " we can't possible go back, it will make us look like morons!"
The experts went nowhere, but they are writing books about How To Go To Nowhere.
Nice piece, Red Head.
Georg