It's natural for you to have questions and be interested in how an adoption comes together. You may be worried about her getting hurt. But don't allow these to be excuses to not respect her space. She will talk about what she is willing to in her own time.

I've listed below some of the comments that adoptive moms hear frequently from friends to strangers about their birth mom of their child or child-to-be. Regardless of the intentions behind the questions they all sting. You can be a wonderful friend by being aware of some questions to avoid while your friend is on her own emotional roller coaster.

[1] Why did she decide to give the child up for adoption?

[2] Do you know if she smokes or takes drugs? Do you know how that can affect a baby?

[3] I wonder how much she really drinks.

[4] Has she had any prenatal care at all?

[5] Does she have mental issues?

[6] What does it say about someone who can give away her baby?

[7] What if she wants her back?

[8] Hasn't she ever heard of birth control?

[9] Where is her family in this picture? I wonder why her parents won't just help her raise the baby.

[10] Are you expected to just pay for all of the medical costs? I've heard stories where the gal never plans to give the baby up. She just gets everything paid for and then says she had changed her mind and takes off.

[11] If she actually wanted the baby back, how could you say no? She is, after all, the real mom.

[12] If she gets pregnant again will she just assume you are willing to adopt that one too?

[13] Aren't you terrified if she sees her she will want her back? I wouldn't agree to any reunions.

[14] How can she not want to see any pictures of her own child? How cold is it to just move on with your life and forget the baby?

[15] How sure are you that she is really being honest about what she shares?

[16] What is her ethnicity? Did you ever wonder what her motive is in giving her child to you?

[17] Why is she giving up this baby when she kept the others?

[18] I think an open adoption has got to be just torture on the birth mom. Don't you think it would be better for everyone if she just backed off?

[19] Do you ever wonder if she is really being up front about her medical history?

[20] What can you possibly tell your child about his birth mom some day that won't make him feel bad?

As the friend of a mom who is adopting you may have heard yourself actually say some of these things. Maybe some comments were on the tip of your tongue and you didn't say them. Some remarks above may seem completely rude and you would never think of saying them. Most adoptive moms, however, have heard them all from different sources.

I personally want to say thanks for being a caring friend and reading this article. Explain to your friend who is adopting, "I really care about you and am excited about your adoption. But I don't always know what okay to say or what may be tacky. Please let me know when I stick my foot in my mouth so I don't do it again."

None of us are perfect friends, but it makes all the difference when we just care enough to be aware.

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Your friend has just announced that she is going to pursue adoption to build her family. Whether this is her first child or her eighth, this decision is a big one. It's special and personal. She may have many fears of that which she doesn't have any control over, and yet also resigned to the fact that this is the right path. She may not talk about it frequently or it may be something she enthusiastically updates you on every time you chat.

It's natural for you to have questions and be interested in how an adoption comes together. You may be worried about her getting hurt. But don't allow these to be excuses to not respect her space. She will talk about what she is willing to in her own time.

I've provided some things that most adoptive moms have been asked from well-intentioned best friends to curious strangers. Regardless of who says them, the remarks still hurt. Be a true friend by being aware of what not to say during this precious time in your friend's life.

[1] Why did she decide to give the child up for adoption?

[2] Is she on drugs? Does she smoke? Do you know how that can harm a baby?

[3] Do you think she drinks a lot?

[4] Has she even seen a doctor while she's pregnant?

[5] Does she have mental problems?

[6] What does it say about a person who can give her baby to a total stranger?

[7] What if she decides she wants her back?

[8] Why didn't she use birth control?

[9] Where is her family? Do you wonder why her parents don't want to raise the baby?

[10] Does she expect you to pay for all of her medical expenses? Are you sure she's not just using you and then going to change her mind at the last minute? I've heard of that happening.

[11] If she changed her mind, how could you fight to keep the child? I mean, she is the real mother.

[12] If she gets pregnant again will she just assume you are willing to adopt that one too?

[13] Aren't you scared to death that if she sees her she will want her back. I don't think agreeing to meetings will help anyone involved.

[14] Isn't it kind of cold that she doesn't even want to see photos of her baby?

[15] How positive are you that she is telling you the truth about everything?

[16] What is her ethnicity? Have you ever question what her motive may be in giving her child specifically to you?

[17] Why is she giving up this baby when she kept the others?

[18] Isn't she just torturing herself by wanting to have an open adoption? Wouldn't it be better for everyone if she just stayed out of the picture?

[19] Do you ever wonder if she is really being up front about her medical history?

[20] What can you possibly tell your child about his birth mom some day that won't make him feel bad?

If your friend is adopting you may have read a few of the comments above and felt a bit guilty because you have heard yourself saying some form of the question. Or maybe not. Perhaps some of the things noted you had felt like asking, but you held off on saying them because it just seemed a bit personal or harsh. Some of the question listed likely sounded so rude you cannot fathom that anyone would say them. Unfortunately, most adoptive moms have heard them all, though from various people.

Allow me to personally say thank you for being a good friend just by reading this article. Remember to explain to your friend, "I care about you and want to be excited with you as well as here to talk when you need that too. I may not always know the right thing to say and will probably stick my foot in my mouth sometimes. So just let me know so I don't do it again."

None of us are perfect, but we can care enough to be informed. That's the best gift we can give to a friend.

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