Don't you just HATE it when...

...the phlebotomist (read: vampire) enters your hospital room & says (in a perfect Dracula voice), "I've come to take your blood"?

...the nurses wake you up every four hours to take your vital signs (temperature, pulse, respirations, blood pressure)? All you wanna do is REST...no wonder your blood pressure is elevated! (Whoever said a hospital is a place of rest, anyway...they OBVIOUSLY were never a patient!!!!)

...those ADORABLE, oh-so-stylish hospital gowns that show off more of your assets than you intended?

...the hospital staff comes into your room & asks, "How are WE feeling today?" (I don't know about you, kiddo--I'm feeling LOUSY...why ELSE would I be in here???)

...having a whole team of doctors walk in, speaking in a language you can't possibly understand? (WHAT did he say I have? HOW long do I have to live?? WHAT are they planning on doing to me???)

...when visitors arrive, & all they wanna discuss is THEIR hospital horror stories? (Or show you their surgical scars.)

...your room-mate wants to talk (when all you wanna do is sleep)?

...the nurse asks you to "void in the little cup"--she needs a urine sample? (That's when you find out you can't "go," or else you went before she asked.)

...you are scheduled for a test or surgery, you haven't had ANYTHING to eat or drink since midnight, you're STARVING & will eat ANYTHING (including the IV bag)...& then the test or surgery is rescheduled until late in the afternoon or canceled altogether?

...you accidently pull out the IV it took 10 sticks to get in (& you have the bruises to prove it)?

...the nurse wakes you up to give you a sleeping pill? (Guaranteed, you'll be wide awake the rest of the night!!)

...you've had stomach surgery? Suddenly, EVERYONE'S a comedian...the LAST thing you want to do is laugh (or sneeze or cough or even MOVE).

...you're coming out of anesthesia? You're cold & nauseated; everyone is yelling at you to "WAKE UP!!" (All you wanna do is sleep.)

...when you're in pain, & have to wait for someone to give you pain medicine? (Then, when they finally DO bring you something, it's Tylenol or Motrin, for God's sake...you need MORPHINE!!!)

...when some of the medicine they give you has strange side effects? (WHY are there spiders on my ceiling???)

...you have EKG leads? They ITCH. You scratch, & suddenly, there's a whole team of doctors & nurses running into your room, crash cart at hand, defibrillator charged & ready to go.

...you have to have x-rays & the tech moves your sore arm/hand/leg/foot & asks you, "Did that hurt?" (Noooo...that's why I'm screaming!!!!)

...you're having x-rays & have to lie on a cold, hard slab of ice? (Oh!! I meant the x-ray table!!)

...you're having a specialized x-ray test, & they tilt the cold, hard slab of ice you're laying on & they forget to warn you that they're gonna move the table? (Now I broke my other arm/hand/leg/foot, 'cause I just fell off.)

...you have a doctor tell you the procedure he's about to do won't hurt a bit? (huh, huh...who does he think HE'S kidding as you rise up off of the table screaming like a banshee?? He's OBVIOUSLY never had THIS test!!!!)

...the A/C unit in your room is set to "sub-zero"? (Tell me...WHY is it always so danged COLD in the hospital? So we can all catch pneumonia & extend our hospital stay & have to pay more money????)

...you have to eat the hospital food? (ESPECIALLY clear liquids...green jello, grape juice, ice tea, beef broth...when you absolutely HATE green jello, grape juice, ice tea, & beef broth...you want REAL food!!!!)

...you go to adjust your bed with the remote control & turn on the TV/call the nurse/accidently hit the "Code" button? Or the bed becomes possessed & folds you up like a Venus fly trap?

...you have to use a bedpan? ('NUFF SAID.)

...the TV doesn't work or what comes on isn't worth watching? (There are only so many soap operas, wrestling shows, or news programs you can watch.)

...you have to go to the Pain & Torture Clinic? (Excuse me!! Physical Therapy!! I think all physical therapists graduated with honors from "Torture 101...'cause they bend your body in ways your body was never meant to...)

...you have to take the dog for a walk? (IV stand, catheter bag...I always tripped over the dang things & then had to have the IV & catheter put back in...)

...you're on IV antibiotics, & wind up with the "screaming squirts"? (You don't always have a warning they're about to attack...)

...the danged sheets & blankets NEVER stay tucked in? (Your cold, blue assets are exposed...& wouldn't you know it, the door to your room will NOT stay closed...)

...the doctor says you're being discharged from the hospital, & you have a heart attack? (This ACTUALLY happened to a woman at the hospital I worked at...she didn't make it.)

...you receive the final bill? ($5.00 for ONE Kleenex tissue??? PLEASE PAY NOW...what if I don't?? You gonna put my infected appendix back in???)