Martin uses his literary skills and unique wit to critique himself, and mock his detractors!

My novel, "The Guns of Mars," was recently selected to be one of the 100 semifinalists in the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award contest. That puts it among the top 1% of entries, and truly it is an honor. I thank God for taking me this far, and with His help I hope to even go on to victory.

The initial Amazon reviews were very positive. They went so far as to say that this work is bestseller material, but following professional reviews, I have received mixed reviews from readers. The more positive reviews gave legitimate critiques, but a few of the negative reviewers looked interested in doing nothing more than attacking my work and tearing it down for fun.

I have decided, in order to both lighten my mood, and possibly yours, I will perform a critique of my own excerpt. This is somewhat tongue-in-cheek, and takes advantage of the scathing reviews I've already received, plus others I'm surprised haven't been used yet to defame my work. So, here it is, Martin's very own critique of The Guns of Mars excerpt:

You suck! (1-star)

That sums up what I think of this writer in a nutshell. His writing is just so abhorrent I don't know where to begin. Let's start with chapter one. What the heck is going on? We're dumped right in the middle of the story, where Morgan (a guy with a girl's name?) is stranded on Mars. There's some kind of conspiracy going on, but we don't know how or why (lack of information is annoying here). He rambles on about missing his wife (hello, Elton John?), and then goes to sleep. We're told briefly about some interesting technology, like a space heater and a fancy pressure tent, but there's no technical schematics detailing how this technology works. Perhaps he is too stupid to describe the physics behind a "carbon scrubber?"

Next, we move into chapter two, which throws us back to the start of the story. Morgan sits in a classroom, learning about going to Mars (boring). A childish "colonel" comes in and acts like a prima-donna teenie-bopper, not a real military officer, and we discover she's somehow uncovered the secret to aging and reversed it? What does that have to do with Martian colonization? We also find out that Morgan is from the past, and there's virtual reality technology around? What? Too many plot threads are cropping up to confuse the feeble minded.

To wrap this excerpt up, Morgan goes home and has dinner with his wife (more boring), and we're left wondering what the heck he'll do next. Like I care!

This excerpt was boring, lacked technical detail, didn't have any gunplay (hello, Guns of Mars?), and the writer spent way too much time on character development. Who cares what these people think and feel? Let's get some action, and blow things up!

This book also looks way too complicated to be good. I mean, every complex story with such varied plotlines ends up sucking, just like that Dune series by that Herbert guy, and don't get me started on Heinlein. This writer does too much, and not enough at the same time. Not only that, but I bet he smells like turnips. Just my impression.

Well, there you have it; a truly professional critique of "The Guns of Mars" excerpt. With enemies like me, who needs friends?