An essay on growing up in my family with sexual abuse present. I also got a devastating life-threatening illness at age 18 going on 19. I almost died several times. It is about going on with life.

Challenges

I would love to skip to the good stuff, where I live in Missouri and go to meet Dr. Bernie S. Siegel and we become friends; we have become close friends actually to the point of where Bernie is like a mentor (or DAD should I say) to me and I have become like a daughter to him. Those are his words, not mine, but ALL good short stories must have their starting points and so thus will mine.

I was born June 5th, 1970. At approximately 5:23pm. The time becomes important later on in my life. I am the youngest of 4 girls. The order and age of my sisters are as follows..Anna..37,Kristina..35,Julie..32 then me, Rebecca at 31 yrs. I am closest to my sister Julie for we are only 13 months apart. My parents got divorced when I was 4yrs old. I do not remember any of it. For that I am thankful for I was told it got nasty at times. My sister Kris told me this.

My father used to come out every weekend and see us girls. I look back now and wonder what his purpose was for he certainly did not know how to relate to us girls as we were growing up! He did not do a good job of that at all! He did pay child support however and for that I am thankful, for that is what put food on our table each month! Mom never made enough money in her regular job as a social worker!
She sure did try though! Dad used to pay for Julie and I to go and see his parents on holidays when he was not able to drive down. We would fly from Dallas to Houston and Grandaddy would pick us up at the airport. If Julie and I could not get a seat on the plane together, I would act deathly ill and Julie would come up to the stranger sitting next to me and say, “My sister gets really sick when we fly, do you mind if we sit together?” The person sitting next to me would usually jump up right away and offer Julie his/her sit. It worked every time! (smile)

Our family was looked down upon for not having a mom and a dad. We were OUTCASTS!! I got picked on at school a lot. This was in the mid-70’s. I was about 7yrs old. Mom would give us “Henry Holidays” from school, I remember, making us even more of an Outcast but I absolutely LOVED my “Henry Holidays”! Henry was our last name. It was sort of a mental break from school and we would get 1 day each semester. The teachers NEVER understood. Some families started copying us. It got to be a popular thing!!

Looking back, my memory of when I was a child begins at or around the age of 4-5 years. I remember one incident when I was 4 years old going on 5 yrs. That is of “Uncle Larry” sexually abusing me on the trip to his daughters’ wedding. Mom and us girls called this man and his wife and family, Uncle Larry and Aunt Estelle, because Mom was so very close to them. In fact, my middle name is Estelle, after this man’s wife! I would only see Uncle Larry occasionally, about one to three times a year. Sam Cunningham was Mom’s boyfriend while we girls were growing up. He abused us physically and sexually also for a period of 7 years.

At the time ALL this abuse was going on, me and my sisters were going to school and making all A’s and B’s. Sometimes a C or D in biology. It is not my best subject.
I believe I put all my energies into school and excelled in that and into choir and the piano. I LOVED to sing and still do. I took piano lessons for 8 years from Mrs. Owens and another teacher after Mrs. Owens but I cannot remember her name. My inspiration in music was my teacher and mentor here in Texas, Dr. Juneria Berges. She has a doctorate in education I believe. She started out with just her bachelor’s degree and teaching music education at Colleyville Middle School in 1981. That is when we met and I started babysitting for her for she lived one street over from me on Timberline South in Colleyville, Texas. I was also in the beginning choir of 6th grade. I knew how to read music, for I had taken piano lessons, so I got to be the “page turner” for the piano player of our accompianment. I was really honored. These were the little things in my day that made handling the big things in life, like Sam and the molestation, a lot easier.

After Colleyville Middle School, I made it to Grapevine High School. I really do not remember much of that time. I do remember flying low(speeding) and hitting the bump and making the pickup truck soar on the way to GHS because Julie and I would be late to school! Also, I remember christening the truck, Mark Twaing!! (After Mark Twain, the poet and author) My good friends were Dawn, Rebecca, Marcia, Martha and Tish. 2 of those people are now dead. The other 3 I have not heard from in awhile. You get lost after awhile.
I do remember having Career Day during my senior year and how Westminster College came to the School to recruit. Westminster College is located in Fulton, Missouri 65251. I saw that this college was 600 miles AWAY from TEXAS and I said, THAT IS FOR ME!! I applied and got accepted! I even got a Scholarship! I paid for everything my own way!
Dad did pay for my living expenses while I was there and gas for the car with car repairs. We had a deal.

My freshman year at Westminster college went ok. It did not go great because I fell and tore ligaments in my ankle. I had a cast on my right foot during the winter months. My foot would get cold and I had to protect it from the wet snow so I would wear a bag over my cast while walking on the campus grounds. My nickname was the “bag lady”. I finally got fed up with having a cast for so long that at the end of the freshman year I went and got a second opinion and he said I needed surgery. So, I went back to the first doctor and told him what I did. I asked him about it. He told me, “I knew you needed surgery when you were first brought in. I waited and put a cast on you because I did not want to mess up your freshman year of college.” That was sweet of him but It was a sure pain for me! I decided to major in Computer Science at Westminster College. I started taking the basic 60 hours coursework needed for the major before taking the upper level coursework of the Computer Science. I was taking biology and we were in the lab one day. We were pricking our finger and adding a mixture of chemicals to see what our blood type would be. I thought to myself it will either be A+ or O+ for Mom is A+ and Dad is O+. My blood type came up to be O-!! I got a little “curious” shall we say because there is NO WAY in the world 2 positive rh parents can have a negative rh child! I had my professor redo the test and he did it 4 times for me and each time it came up O-. I called Mom THAT night and told her of my findings and said, “Is there anything you want to tell me?” That is when she told me that she had an affair with Larry, Uncle Larry as he is called. Mom said she slept with him, then Dad, then got pregnant with me. SURPRISE! Same thing happened with my sister, Julie, she said, and that Julie is most likely Larry’s child because her framework is so different than Anna, Kristina or I’s. Julie was never abused by Larry though, never had that BOND with him, like I did. Did you know that Larry was at the hospital at 5:23pm on June 5th,the day I was born, and got there even before my other Dad, John Henry? Larry, who abused me, is my natural father. That is a hard thing to swallow. My gut had always told me, but now I have proof with memory flashbacks. Anyway, that is the suspense I was telling you about! Now, back to college. The college came and told me that they were dropping all computer science majors because the college did not have the money to support a computer network. So I decided to transfer across town to William Woods College and get my degree in Computer Information Systems, which was something very similiar. William Woods College(WWC) is an all female college. It is just within the past 3 years that they have been letting boys in also and have added a Graduate Degree Program. It has also been renamed and is now called William Woods University(WWU). I excelled at WWU in the computer department. I was the one that would finish my homework assignments first and help everyone else in the computer lab. I also worked in the computer lab as a part of my financial aid package of student work aid. It was great because I could study, work and help people ALL at the SAME time!!

I met some very nice professors who have become my best friends and are like mentors to me, from the state of Missouri, --Linda Davis, Ed Easterling and Jack Dudley.
Linda Davis was my computer professor and friend that I talked to about home life and all that was going on. She was a good listener. Boy howdy, she knows her computer too! She is one smart cookie!
Ed Easterling, or should I say Dr. Easterling, was my Economics professor. He was really good and went slow for me. I had Econ at Westminster college but I did not learn a thing! So, I had to take Microeconomics and Macroeconomics OVER again!!! God bless him!! I will never forget the note he wrote to me after my Feb.22, 1991 shunt revision brain surgery either. He was interested in ME, how I was doing! And, at THAT time, I did not even KNOW HIM!!
Then there is Jack Dudley. God Bless Jack! I do love him so! He has taught me to believe in myself and to trust what my gut tells me! Thank you Jack!
Now, here is the BAD PART I must tell you. While going to college, I was living with an inoperable brainstem tumor. It caused a brain disease called “hydrocephalus” which requires a shunt. I had to have immediate surgery for a shunt on May 16th, 1989. One month before my 19th birthday. Hydrocephalus, or Hydro as it is commonly called, means “cavity filled with water”. The brain has fluid filled spaces called ventricles and if the ventricles are blocked, by a brain tumor let us say, then the fluid backs up and causes hydro. A shunt is a tube with a valve inserted into the brain and comes out of the brain and drains down into 1 of 3 places; the stomach, the heart, or the chest. The most common place is the stomach. If a shunt drains to the chest it means that person is a tough case. My shunt currently drains to the chest but I am currently having problems with it. A shunt can malfunction or get infected at anytime. One has to be careful and watch for any signs of this. If a shunt needs replacing because of infection or malfunction, it is called a “revision”. So far, I have had 14 revisions in over 12 years. I have gone 3 years without needing a revision. That is a miracle for me! That is the longest I have ever gone without needing a revision!

What lead me to get a brain scan(C.A.T. scan) was I was seeing some funny things in my eye and I went to an optical clinic to get It checked out. The guy there gave me a prescription for glasses and sent me home. I got the glasses and then, a week later, with the glasses on, I was STILL seeing those “funny” things out of the corner of my eye. So, I went back in. There was a different guy there this time and I THANK GOD there was!! He took one look at my eyes and sent me to an opthamologist in Irving right away! I went to this Doctor and he dialated my eyes and then I saw double of everything! And the sunlight hurt so very badly! It was the beginning of summer!! I had to drive home with my eyes like that! He called Dr. Bringewald, a neuro-opthamologist in Dallas and Mom and I went to see him the next day. He dialated my eyes also and found out I had bi-lateral papiledema!! Very bad! He ordered a brain scan right away! I had one the next day. I drove to It myself, Mom was busy or else I said I would drive to it alone. I needed time to think. I got to the MRI place, I had the CAT scan a few hours earlier. While having the MRI, the tech came out and asked me, 4 times in a row, during the process of the MRI scan, “Are you sure you did not hit your head today?” By the 3rd time she came out and asked that, I knew I had a tumor! The Doctor called me into his office on May 2nd and put the MRI films up and showed them to me and said, and I quote, “See, all clear!” Then, I said, “If they are all clear, then WHAT is THAT?” And, I pointed to my inoperable brainstem tumor. The radiologist had missed It totally! My doctors faced drained of all color and he said,”I will call you in 2 days.” So, I waited for him to call. THAT was AGONIZING! I just had to wait for the doctor to call and confirm which he finally did on May 8th, 1989!

He said it was inoperable and no surgery could be done. I handed the phone to Mom and just left with my journal to go and write and watch the planes land at D/FW International Airport. I have a special spot. Medicine will always be my first love. I have thought about going back to school and becoming a doctor but BDad thinks it will be too much. So, I think I will just stick to poetry and computers. I made pretty good grades in college even with 2 brain surgeries and going through Gamma Knife Radiation.

While this is happening to me at home in Texas, my best friend from college in Missouri, Jenny, has an “ear tumor”, or an “acoustic neuroma”. She is now totally deaf In her left ear and I am totally deaf in my right ear but for different reasons. We think I am deaf in my right ear because of the brain tumor. We think I have had it since birth. Jenny and her family are very important to me. Her mom is like my Mom.
My Mom, in Texas that is, did NOT want me to go back to Missouri but I wanted to. Nothing was gonna stop me from getting back to school. It was very hard though. I had to search and find my own doctors, special doctors that is. To be real honest, Missouri doctors in Central Missouri are NOT that good either! No one would want to EVEN TOUCH ME BECAUSE someone else had placed the shunt that was in me! Well, if the doe-doe’s had bothered to do a shunt tap, they would have seen that the shunt was not working and could have SAVED my life! But, No! I had to rot away in front of their eyes! All because they were scared! I had to go back to Texas and beg my original doctor for mercy before he would take me back and then when he did, I was in the hospital over Christmas! The year was 1994. I will never forget it!

While in college I found a religion that I liked, Presbyterian. Mom took us to a Methodist church till she divorced Dad, then she told us she was not going to take us to church and when we got older, we could find a religion on our own. Anna is Catholic, Kristina is Wiccan(a witch) and Julie is a Methodist. Mom is a Christian-Scientist. We are an ethnic and diverse group of people when it comes to dinner conversations. I was baptized in February of 1989, just 3 months before the diagnosis of my brain tumor and hydro.(D-Day, Diagnosis Day) I think that was a sign from God. My first church was in Fulton, Missouri 65251, where my college was at. It was the First Presbyterian Church of Fulton. A Great Church it was with a great pastor, Mike Vaughn. He was young, about 33 years old which led to controversy, since the congregation was mostly old folk, but Mike Vaughn proved everyone wrong! I was baptized by this church and the church also paid my way for me to go and see Dr. Bernie S. Siegel, M.D. who has written several books. They are “Love, Medicine and Miracles”, “Peace, Love and Healing”, “How to Live Between Office Visits” and “Prescriptions for Living”.
I have all four books and the only one I have not finished reading is “Prescriptions for Living”. I first saw Dr. Siegel in late 1990 but it took me 2 years before I had courage enough to write to him. Dr. Bernie S. Siegel practices what he preaches about the mind-body-spirit connection and how LOVE can heal the body! I know, I have done that technique on myself too! I did not do the loving part right away though, that took years before I could do it for I had to learn how to love myself again. Instead of writing Dr. Bernie Siegel(Bernie as he likes to be called) a long letter, which I did anyway, I called him because I wanted to know Dr. Jack Kevorkian’s phone number.

Bernie remembers that day well he says and he still has that message on his recorder to this day. Bernie called me back and we talked. I told him my story of the inoperable tumor and the pain I have been going through and all the shunt revisions. He gave me a homework assignment—to draw pictures of me and Dr. Kevorkian. He never did give me Kevorkians’ phone number and for that I am grateful! Bernie said that my picture said it all. He said my picture was very “bad showing in colors”. He uses a technique with colors that is very interesting as to what it represents! He now uses that picture, with my permission, in lectures to other people and Doctors. Through Bernie, I am helping other people. I am proud of that! I have now known Bernie 9 years and 4 months. That is a long time of writing letters and talking on the telephone. Now since the computer age, Bernie and I communicate by email also. We have only met face to face two times when he was in Austin, Texas for a conference to lecture at. I now call Bernie, “BDad” for short because he is like a father to me over the years, giving advice and always there for me. I love him so very much. I buy him little presents that say “Dad” and give them to him.

I got a little ahead of myself here, I get so excited about Bernie when I talk. I did not call him till August of 1992, by then I was out-of-college. Let me fill-you-in on those missing years. I first saw Bernie in September of 1990. I had already had 1 shunt revision on my brain to replace tubing. A shunt revision is a minor surgery to a neurosurgeon but to the hydrocephalic patient, it is a Major surgery!! Also, I had Gamma Knife Radiation on my brain tumor on October 3rd, 1990. We spent over $80,000 on it is what Dad said. At least that is what Dad’s insurance paid. The procedure was still so new then that I was only the 200th patient in the Southwest region of the United States to get the Gamma Knife(GK). The only side affects I had from it was nausea and a little left sided weakness. The brain tumor stayed in me eight and a half years BEFORE it was taken out by a prominent neurosurgeon in Dallas which I got to see and could take it out. I went through HELL for eight and a half years and was in SEVERE pain for a long time with severe headaches like you cannot imagine, right arm shakiness, double vision and seizures. Mom and I have made many trips to the emergency room to get pain relief for me. I have most likely had at least 100 CAT scans in over 12 years, MRI’s I have had about 30. My current neurosurgeon calls me a “Living Angel”! The year 1990 was a rough one for me for in February of 1991 I had ANOTHER “shunt revision” brain surgery, just after the October 3rd radiation! I still did this all after transferring to a new school in the fall of 1990 that year to William Woods College (or University as it is now called). The transfer was well worth it though and the professors were great!! The atmosphere on campus being all female made it very worthwhile too. I get along better with all females after being raised in an all female household.

After my February 1991 surgery, I did not need another surgery till April of 1993. I was working by then though and had my own insurance. I graduated May 9th, 1992 from William Woods College in Fulton with a Bachelor’s of Arts in Computer Information Systems with a minor in Business Administration. I had an overall GPA of 3.56/4.0. I graduated CUM LAUDE, with HONORS but no one bothered to tell me that on that day! My GPA in my Major was a 3.63/4.0.
I interviewed with computer companies for 3 months in Missouri and then gave up and went home to Texas. The first day back in Texas, Momma Capps in Missouri called me and said that the Missouri Highway and Transportation Department called her and said they wanted to hire me!! Yeah! I started work August 2nd, 1992 and worked there strait through till October 1, 1994. I then worked from 1994 to 1996 off and on for 3 months at a time but continued to get paychecks every month because of a program that the department had started called “Careleave”. It is a program where you donate your earned work hours of sick leave or vacation into a pool and each month, someone who has a catastrophic illness and needs time off of work, takes those hours when he/she does not have enough time of his/her own vacation or sickleave built up with the department. I thank God for that program for it got me through some very rough times! For example, in October of 1993, I had to have another shunt revision. This time I went from a “Y-connector shunt” to just a shunt on the left side that went down to the abdomen (stomach). I used the careleave program while I was in the hospital. There was this really neat guy at work too, his name was Ray Kinard. He was in his late 30’s when I met him. His family invited me into their family with open arms. He helped me out in the food department because I just barely made enough to cover rent and car repairs and gas and to buy about $50 worth of food. He would always invite me over for dinner and I would go home with any left-overs they had from dinner AND left-overs in their fridge! Ray would take me to the Emergency Room at 1 in the am too sometimes! This happened many many times I would have to say! He was ALWAYS there for me, through thick and thin. I love him so much! God Bless him! I live in Texas now but we still talk by phone at least once a month! He still works for the Highway Department!

I had to quit working for the Highway Department because of my health, I was LITERALLY DYING in front of everyone’s eyes, and they could do nothing.
The people at the Highway Department did have a get-together though and donated money for me to have to put towards doctor bills. They all raised about $250 dollars. What my “going away” party was, was really a “going home to Texas to DIE” party. It was kinda sad but nice to see everyone at once.
I kept in contact through Ray Kinard and I did not die however, I lived! Just barely though! I died during the Operating Room procedure and the Neurosurgeon(ns) had to shock my heart back to life!
Now, some people may not believe in Heaven or people going there and returning to talk about it, but I would like to say that I SAW the light and went into Heaven for a few minutes it seemed. The Angels were there and talked to me. That is all I will say about it. You can email me at Becca.authorsden.com if you would like to know more,ok?

My life, so far, had been full of doctors and hospitals and blood draws and every test imaginable. Besides the 14 shunt revisions, last one on November 10th, 1998, and 1 crainiotomy in 1997, I have had 25 surgeries on various other parts of my body. To name a few—appendectomy, tonsillectomy, gall bladder removed, hysterectomy, ligament reconstruction—right ankle and thyroid removed. My veins are just about gone that are in my arms from all the blood draws and iv’s from surgeries. I was so wrapped up in my illness that I had become my illness and that I could not see. It has taken being addicted to Pain Killers, because of breaking my ankle I was put on Vicodin, and going through a Drug treatment program for me to realize that I was so wrapped up in my illness that I had become it. I am trying to steer clear from that these days now.

Depression hit me very hard in April of 2001. I was living in Garland at that time, on my own but close to my Dad and my step-mom, Elaine Henry. I have a step-brother also, Cory Henry, 21 yrs old and very good looking. They lived close by in case I had a medical emergency! Elaine is not real “With it” when it comes to all of us 4 girls of Dad’s. I believe she thinks that Dad should concentrate on Cory and only Cory. I do my best to be civil with her. It gets hard though. I had one internet penpal at the time of my depression that I told of my suicide plans. She understood me. We do not talk that much anymore. I still have her address. I attempted suicide on my birthday, June 5th, 2001.
Before I woke up in the hospital, the last thing I remember is drinking grape kool-aid and swallowing 300 Carbatrol pills, my anti-seizure medication. Then, I went to bed and fell asleep. Next thing I knew I awoke and a tape was across my mouth with a tube down my throat. I could not breathe well, a machine was breathing for me. I was scared. Kristina was sitting next to me with Julie. Mom came in later. They were happy and crying that I was awake. I could barely move. I had a bedsore on my back from laying in one position for so long. Turns out I did not get that from the hospital, I got that from laying on my bed in my Garland apartment. I took the pills at 11pm June 4th and no one found me till June 6th at 1am. I layed there for about 18 hours Mom estimated.

I learned what happened to me AFTER I got well enough to come home after being in the hospital for 8 days. I was in ICU for 5 days and for 3 days I had my own private room. It was pure HELL and I will NEVER try to kill myself again!! The anguish I put my family through was even worse, for they did NOT know why I was in a coma. I never want to do that again!

Everyone’s life has their moments, the good times with the bad. Some people may have more bad times to remember than good. I am that way for while growing up. My young adult life I had to put on “hold” for I had to FIGHT for my life because of the brain tumor! Two strikes so far but who is really keeping score here? Not God! I have come to find religion again since June 5th, 2001. God does love me for me only! I can make a difference in this world!

December 2,2001