Just a Pollyanna's thoughts ...

“Use it up,
wear it out,
make it do,
or do without.”

I have no idea who wrote those words a long time ago. I’m sure it was someone very wise, but I would love to have a sit-down chat with them. I have a few questions about what it is that I’m supposed to use up, wear out, make do with, or do without …

I’ve been told, I’m the original Pollyanna, optimistic to a fault, and instead of being born with a silver spoon in my mouth, I popped out complete with a pair of rose-colored glasses perched on the bridge of my nose. I suppose I’ve tried to live an idealistic, calm life in an overly pragmatic world, and therein lies the problem. I’ve spent more than half my life married, trying to … “make it do“; except for my first marriage of eight months. I was married to my childhood sweetheart, the love of my life, who was killed in Vietnam when I was but twenty … I quickly learned what “do without“ meant, in love and in every other sense of those words.

Would I get married again? No. Not even for that heart pounding, all-consuming, lust-driven, gotta have it kind of love? Again, an emphatic NO. As they say, “been there and done that“ and, as of this writing, and based on the majority of my married years, I’ve even tossed out the rose-colored glasses.

But I’ve gotten sidetracked here. Back to the witticism … line one: Use It Up. I suppose when it was originally written, it had to do with … soap, glue, makeup, toothpaste, maybe even maple syrup. Everything else I can think of at the moment is date-protected and perishable.

That line certainly doesn’t seem to have anything to do with marriage. Unless … I guess I could take a look at it from my own personal vantage point. I suppose I should have known after a couple of years that my second marriage would never work -- we were like oil and water. I spent nearly twenty years trying to keep the oil and water mixed, especially since we had three children together, but like oil and water, it only stays mixed as long as you‘re continually shaking it up. I finally got to where I wasn’t able to function in that kind of instability.

I know the universe doesn’t make mistakes, only people do. This leads me to believe that it was the universe’s plan that I should learn something from marriage number two. I did. I learned that I never want to be abused, verbally or physically again. I learned I want to be treated as though I have a brain, I don’t need an owner, and I certainly don’t need to be walking in someone’s shadow, two paces back, either. What I did need was a loving partner who treated me like a lady and as an equal. On second thought, maybe Use It Up did apply after all. Sure as hell, I did feel used up.

This brings me to line two: Wear it Out. I don’t even want to touch this one. It’s too obvious. I also felt totally worn out.

Line three: Make it do. This line makes perfect sense, if we’re talking about old curtains that we can’t afford to replace right now. Or carpeting. Maybe even the clunker of a car we’re driving at the moment: “Hell, Mary, the engine’s still good and it runs great, course the body has so much rust that, shee-it, in places it’s see-through, but hells afire, I‘ll make it do.”

Now, if you’re applying that same line and logic to marriage, it pisses me off. I don’t see a place in any loving relationship for “make it do“. Frankly, I’m bone-tired of making it do.

To my way of thinking, (and in my ideal world) marriage should be like a bank account. Maybe that’s an arcane analogy for it, but bear with me for a minute. In order for a bank account to work, we all know you have to put more into it than you take out. That way, the interest mounts up over time, and with compound interest, you have a positive cash flow.

When you only withdraw money from a bank account, over time, the account dwindles down and it eventually bottoms out. There’s nothing left in the account at all. How is that any different from a marriage? For marriage to work, both parties have to be putting more into it than they take out of it. I realize that there are times when only one party is able to contribute. I’ve allowed for that. In a loving relationship, the other party is still contributing their share and often even more, so in the long haul,  the marriage still works. There are also times when the roles will be reversed, and the other party is doing the majority of the deposits … but either way, the marriage works because over time, it‘s a shared give and take. There is always more going into it than is being taken out. That makes marriage a win/win situation and both parties are content.

Of course, when you have an always-giver married to an always-taker and the giver doesn’t mind, they feed each other’s needs perfectly. In a sick way, I suppose those marriages can and do work forever -- as the giver, it just didn’t work for me. The “make it do” “wore me out” and to stay sane and stop feeling “all used up“, I then chose to “do without” … best decision I ever made ...

I’ve just realized that I’ve answered my own questions regarding the old New England witticism and what it means ... so now you ask, what about marriage number three? Fagettaboutit. That’s a whole different story …