cheap motels and swanky thrills

“It’s best not to be too moral – you cheat yourself out of too much life”
Maude {from the movie Harold and Maude}

Beat my bottom and call me bootyful. Ask Mz. Conduct anything your heart and/or loins desire at: guttergrl69.hotmail.com and be brave, babydolls. Remember, if I bite, I always leave the loveliest of teeth marks!

Alert! There's been a vicious rumor going around that I am a man! At first I
was appalled, as I've been told by a handful of sackless suitors that I am
more woman than any one man (or ten men, a woman and a couple of
hermaphrodites) can handle. But on second thought, I decided that I kind of
like the wonder behind it all. Mystery can be a very good thing, and since
my life is an open book, perhaps this will tangle up the true tale of Mz.
Conduct and add a tad bit of enigma to my life. I don't have penis envy, I
cause it, honey!

About a month ago, my computer committed suicide, logged off and went to the
big Internet in the sky. I was forcibly reminded that one cannot always be in
control of things. I ended up doing things I needed to do. I read more
books, updated my journal and wrote some handwritten letters, which are
largely becoming extinct in this society. [I owe a special thank you to the Lion King who bought me a brand new computer out of the sheer love in his heart. Smooch smooch baby!]

Then one morning, feeling my oats, I grabbed the Yum Yum Boy and headed for the saltiness of the seashore. I told him that he would be my slave until further notice. He smiled and nodded in his yum-yum way, got behind the wheel of the truck and started the engine. I said, "Stab it and steer it, baby!" and we roared off into the foggy hills.
Destination: Trouble. Gazing at his handsome profile while he drives always
turns me on, so we managed to travel only about a half an hour before I felt
compelled to release his ample appendage from those snug fitting Levi's he
wore and do some damage. As he drove us down the road, I drove his flesh down
my throat. Though laughing like a hyena, he yelled over the music that his
slave-time was taking a break, then whipped the little truck off the highway
and down a bumpy logging road. He drove faster than common sense allowed
until we encountered a sudden and formidable roadblock. YYB ordered me out
of the truck and "Bend your ass over." Together, we were hotter than Georgia asphalt
during a heat wave, and soon, screams of animal delight echoed through the thick of the
woods. This all gave new meaning to knotty (naughty) pine! Later, with limp
limbs, we climbed back in the truck and drove off. An hour later we finally
made it to the coast. We hiked down a path to a secluded cove, then
fornicated over the giant rocks, smoothed to a polish by the tide, both
wetter than a bucket of suds in a rainstorm, in more ways than one.
Afterwards, we started collecting interestingly-shaped rocks and China hat
shells until I had a conniption fit, as I screeched with sheer delight finding
a piece of driftwood in the exact and perfect shape of a ten-inch
penis! I proudly carried it down the shore, waving and stroking it,
snickering at how it must look to any faraway eyes. It now resides in a
shrine in my living room, surrounded by candles and sandpaper.

Hours later, still on the sand, the sun went down and so did my boy. Looking
at the heavens, I felt I was there already. We drove to the nearest coastal
town and, following oodles of cocktails, we decided to get a cheap motel;
the cheaper the better (as cheap motels are the soul of America, in my book),
found one right away at the Scarlet Starfish. In a wee-hour sex bout, I
inadvertently yanked the plywood headboard right off the bed and in my
unbridled orgasmic enthusiasm (the norm for me where he is concerned) I
managed to clobber poor Yum Yum Boy right smack in the back of the head!
It's safe to report that he not only lived, but also forgave me. I then made
peace with both his heads. Just a day at the beach, honey!

One fine evening, I strolled downtown to my absolute favorite bookstore,
Powell's Books -- the largest bookstore in the Northwest, maybe the galaxy,
which occupies one entire city block -- to hear Susie Bright
(www.susiebright.com) read from her latest Best American Erotica series that
she annually compiles and edits. I truly recommend it to all of you, as she
is a true Goddess. She read a story aloud called "Courtney Cox's Asshole,"
written by Jill Soloway, and it's the funniest thing I've heard in a long
time. After the reading, I plowed my way through the crowd to get my book
signed and boldly introduced myself. She got googly-happy and told me how
great it was to finally meet me, which tickled me down to my painted 'Ride
Me Red' toenails! She reads my column on royal occasion and I consider her
the Queen, honey!

Last week's trip to traffic court proved amusing. One guy, clad in a bright
orange parka and a cornrow hair-don't, described his entire driving history
before the judge, and tried to connect the fact that the demise of his
father had to do with his driving blunder. He was armed with a death
certificate and multiple insurance records (for all other cars except the
one he was driving, of course). Another fine specimen, wearing overalls and
a pair of thongs on his feet, did his best to describe in copious detail why
his car didn't have a rear license plate or working taillights. His reason
being, he was in the hospital from another car accident and couldn't get it
taken care of. He was supposedly on his way to get everything fixed when
pulled over, but when the judge asked for proof that the repairs were made,
he came up with a whole other story. Slam went the gavel and off he went to
the stockade, or at least to pay his non-reduced bill. Another bloke
informed the judge that "if I only knew that was a police car next to me,
I'd never have made that turn!" Holy hobo on a hooker, people can have the
IQ of a butt plug sometimes.

The Distinguished Deviant has moved on to Las Vegas to pursue his
writing-slash-acting career and I miss him terribly. No longer do I shuffle
into the kitchen each morning and smell my coffee brewing or a fresh pack of
ciggies and my favorite chocolate lying on the table. I will forever long to
see his handsome and lanky profile hovering over a stove full of meat and
grease. No more are the visions of a two-inch long ash at the end of his
cigarette as he bends to wash the dishes. Sigh. It's funny how some of the
seemingly most disgusting things can become so endearing. We'll keep in
touch, I know, and he'll forever be in my heart.

The Blue Sky Boy and his Southern Bella Donna came over for a night of
divine intervention. It was a turbulent night and they calmed and soothed
the Yum Yum Boy and me. We tried on fetish gear and Southern Bella Donna
danced for us to the beat of the latest Johnny Cash CD. Quirky and sweet, and bathed in vodka, she tasted just like a Georgia peach. All I know is I want more, more, more, and, of course, I'll get it.

This month the second annual Masturbate-a-Thon will be held at a local dungeon and depend on me to report all the sordid details! If I end up riding the Thrillhammer Orgazmatron (see column #62), I will indeed be wearing the crown! You can take that to the bank, bucko.

Last month’s second question answer was somehow left out, so this is a recap;

Dear Mz. Conduct,

I’m a sixteen-year-old girl and have been having an affair with a much older, married woman for a few months now. She now wants me to join her husband and her in a threesome and I don’t know if I should do this. My lover hasn’t even told her husband about me yet because she’s afraid he will be very upset. What should I do?

Girl in a Mist

Dear GiaM,

Well, little Miss Jailbait, for one thing, I think it’s irresponsible of this woman to be having an affair with a minor in the first place. I also think you’re way too young to even be asked to join a married couple in a threesome (pssst! it’s illegal!) This woman, your lover, has been cheating on her partner as well as committing illegal acts with a minor, gee she must be a real peach. Enjoy your youth while you have it and steer clear of this whole shady deal. Always remember lil’ tootsie, never do anything with anyone that you don’t feel entirely comfortable with. Now go yak on the phone with girls your age.


Dear Mz. Conduct,

Over the last few months, I've gotten to know a local Dominatrix. We've
played a little and She's done a pretty effective job of taking control of
me. Currently we are seeing each other every few weeks, but we've talked
about turning our relationship into a 24/7 one. The thing She's made clear
is that, in a long term 24/7 relationship with me, She would want to have me
castrated and me be her eunuch. I have mixed emotions about this, but have
not ruled it out. What do you think? Have I totally lost it?

Could Be Balless

Dear CBB, Lost it? Not yet, mental midget man. Although it isn't just the
balls on a man that make them one, I suggest that you seriously reconsider
this option. I mean, aside from actually having the surgery, the pain of
recovery and the hormonal disruption, what happens when She is tired of you
and/or decides that She wants to move to Venezuela to grow coffee and leave
you with the house payments, hmmm? Think about it long and hard (ahhh, now
there's a vision), and whatever you' re in search of, this is not the
answer. Wieners on white bread, I'll hack 'em off myself if you don't grab
yourself by those nads and realize how nuts this is. Okay, pun intended. You
might consider a less radical alternative, on the order of a chastity belt.
They make some dandy models that render you effectively effectiveless. No
harm, no foul, I always say. Now go away.

Dear Mz. Conduct,

I rather doubt you can help me, but as I do have a dilemma of sexual nature
I'll submit it for your critique. Essentially it's that my girlfriend has
just about the lowest sex drive of any woman I've ever known. We've been
together for almost 2 years and she's been gradually losing interest in sex.
This might be an even greater tragedy, but we are in an open relationship so
I can at least have sex with friends or other agreeable persons.
Unfortunately, the other people I sometimes copulate with have increasingly
tended to live out of state or are getting into monogamous relationships of
their own. That's just my own problem, but it has highlighted the
infrequency to which my girlfriend has been a willing party. The problem is
she only wants to have sex with me after we've gone to bed, and even then it
would be fine, but she now has to spend sometimes almost an hour before we
can even perform any act at all. Since I have to wake up early, sometimes I
just pass out right before she's ready, which pisses her off in turn. It's
just really frustrating she can't seem to get into a mood to have sex with
me except when it's most inconvenient. The only other times she wants to
have sex is if I have to leave her house to go do homework or something.
Then she seems to suddenly develop a desire to fuck me, exactly when I can't
again. She admits this is a problem, but can't arrive at a solution. Anyway,
that's a rather poor excuse for a sequel quandary, seeing as how I am free
to indulge in other arenas. Do let me know if you're aware of any scheme
that might assist me.

Befuddled.

Dear B,

Two years is a very long time to be sexually frustrated with the one you
choose to be with. I'm not sure if you deserve a medal or a smack in the
head. I would first learn if she's on any sort of medication, as that would
be a definite source. There are all sorts of meds that interfere with one's
libido and if that's the case, you could work with her on seeing if her
doctor could substitute another that would work as well but with lesser side
effects. Secondly, if that isn't the scenario then I would probably just
ease out of the relationship altogether because continuing it as it is will
just drive you into a frantic frenzy and do either of you no good in the
long run. It's so important to make sure that the person you're committed to
has an equal sex drive. Move on and find a girl that will be ready for your
rod whenever you are. You have plenty of material to pick from, or so it
sounds. Also, diet, drugs and alcohol play a part as well and maybe that 's
an area to think about in your relationship. So, Einstein, experiment and
see what unfolds!

© All rights reserved Kim Alvarez

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