laptops and bottoms

“Okay, I gotta be honest with you. I only listen to you about half of the time and the other half I just nod and smile and wait for your pants to come off”
from King of the Hill

Go mow my lawn, clean up the dog crap, and go whip me up a bone dry martini with three fat olives swimming in it. Then, just maybe, I’ll be in the mood for answering your questions: guttergrl69.hotmail.com …and make it snappy!

It amazes me, the amount of men that continuously feel the need to send me pictures of their hairy schlongs. Do they actually think I’ll say to myself, “Wow, that’s the man for me!” Instead, I just tell them to find a razor and send themselves their pictures. After all, they seem to be quite pleased with themselves, and what better way to boost their own egos, by gazing at their appendages like it’s a pot of freakin’ gold. I am not the one to send them to, believe me!

I got stuck for jury duty and I was livid. I tried to get out of it, but to no avail. For two solid days, there I was, in a huge sealed room with two hundred people, on a hot summer day. “Kill me now” I thought to myself. The round, old woman who narrated our ‘day in hell’ explained that we were free to use our cell phones and laptop computers and when we break for lunch, in five hours, the snack bar is in the lobby of the courthouse. Well, being that I own no cell phone, laptop, or money for lunch (let alone the parking meter in which I was sure I had a ticket at this point), and didn’t even bring my reading glasses, yeah, I was not a happy hoyden. People seemed content to knit, yak away on their cell phones and after pacing around for what seemed eternity, I finally decided to plant my svelte buns down and settle in with the television watchers, only to stomach my way through an obtuse gossip show. When there are so many folks out of work or struggling, such as me, to be self-employed, no I did not feel ‘special’ or that I was doing such a patriotic duty.

The best part of each day was when were allowed outside to smoke. Fresh air and nicotine, what a great combination! On one of these breaks, I was bitching and smoking with some of the other unhappy campers, when I heard my name called from behind. I turned around and there was an ex-boyfriend from twenty years ago, no bull! Wow, how crazy to recognize me after so long and I asked him how he did. He exclaimed that I looked even better than ever, and of course I knew that, but it was nice to hear. He looked as handsome as ever and I was glad to see he still had a head full of blonde, curly locks. Since then, he’s called and admitted to me that he has fantasized about me over the years. Of course he has, and even though he’s soon to be married, he is only just a red-blooded man. Who knows, I may have to refresh his memory before the big day of rice and doves and marital bliss. I think it might be an immoral imperative.

My cerebral boytoy, PolyCarp, is pushing his book, and I promised to plug it… and him as well. As he reminds me, he’s clever, witty and not completely against drinking human blood in social situations. His book is called “The Treasure in El Alameda’s Belly” and is serialized at www.avant-pulp.com. He says it’s much like a comic book for perverts. I know some of you fit that bill, so check it out!

The Yum Yum Boy and I had an evening under the summer stars when we saw the ultra fab Ben Harper perform his multi-tasking arrangements. What a talented man he is, especially when he crooned Marvin Gaye’s “Sexual Healing.” The YYB and I held each other tight and smooched up a storm under the sparkling night sky. And as Ben Harper sang one other Marvin Gaye tune, ”Let’s Get it On”, the YYB hiked up my skirt behind a closed down snack bar, and we got it on… and on… and on!

The YYB is waiting to paint my nails and then I’m off to stage dance with the UNTYD (www.untyd.com) band!

Mz. Conduct,
How do I let my boyfriend know that I want to have a threesome? I also need to know how to tell him what he can and can’t do. And how would we go about picking the right girl?

Please help me,
Girl in Need

Dear GiN,

Love your acronym, ahhh, you need gin and lots of gin… Sapphire at that! Seriously, communication is the first aphrodisiac that comes to my mind. When you’re lying in bed, try sharing some fantasies and then telling him yours. Believe me, unless he’s a mutant mundane sexual midget, he will be yahooing under his breath when you reveal your desires. Then, you discuss what the rules would be… even in theory, discuss them and cement them and if and when you decide to proceed, be sure to abide by the rules you’ve set. You can place an add in the personals or go to a swinger’s party or club (and there are oodles, honey!) and see what works out. You can’t be impatient, as you want this first experience to be a good one together.

Good luck to you and your future ménage a twat!

Dear Mz. Conduct,

I have read your articles with amusement and wonder. In many ways, the freedom and innocence of your sexual explorations is refreshing, and mind-expanding. Thank you for sharing them. I admire your cheery abandon, and cheeky wickedness. Like you, I am an animal lover. I appreciate the gift you have for noticing and celebrating the fact that we humans are animals, too, with all of the predicaments and joys that flesh and hormones bring.

I’ve been celibate for most of my life and have just recently begun to explore my sexuality with other people. I feel like a baby navigating through adult waters. I didn’t join a convent. I’m not a prude. I don’t have hang-ups about sexual pleasure or positions. I’m in my early thirties, entering my sexual adolescence a few decades late with a more developed sense of self, a wiser skin, and a fragile, curious heart. And, Goddess of Guttersluts, I am clueless! Sometimes, it is hard to not feel like a circus freak.

I read articles like yours and feel like an unskilled laborer in a highly, sophisticated marketplace. I want to explore with other people, but I’m not sure I know exactly what kinds of relationships/encounters I want to have. I have been independent for so long, I’m not sure I want a conventional, one-to-one relationship.

I’m intrigued with the open way in which you are sexual, but am afraid of the pitfalls (STD’s, emotional fallout) of not having a committed partner. I have already had a few mishap blunders and one burning question I have is whether or not it is a good idea to share with potential partners my lack of experience with sex and relationships. I’m afraid of judgment, and outright rejection. But, I wonder if withholding the information creates misconceptions.

Another difficulty is that while I can be flirtatious, I have a hard time initiating sensual encounters, and sometimes I am afraid to engage with others when they do, even if I want to. It’s easy for me to keep things in the platonic realm because it is familiar, but I want to learn how to move beyond it. You are obviously a passionate trailblazer of your own desire. Do you have any tips, advice or words of sexual wisdom for someone who is just coming out of her closet and wants to explore in a fun, light-hearted way?

Signed,
A Long-Winded Late Bloomer

Dear LWLB,

Thank you for all the support, first of all, and secondly, for seeing into what I try to portray to people. Suzie Bright (http://www.susiebright.com/) said, “Sexual self expression and sexual honesty may be rare, and they may often be repressed, but there’s no real health, real ethics, or real pleasure in life without it.” I believe that to every inch of it’s core!

I think you should gradually open yourself up, (literally), to people. When you do meet someone you choose to be with sexually, even an exploration venture, I wouldn’t mention anything about your lack of sexual history. Wait a bit and be sure this is someone you can trust. Most men, initially hearing about your virgin-esque self will be all worked up over that alone. It seems to be in a male’s genetic make-up to find a challenge in just about everything, especially sexually.

Personally, I have a list that I carry with me at all times. I have ten things that I want in a person and ten things I absolutely don’t want. Sometimes we get caught up in a lusty love thang and forget or dismiss these things. The ‘list’ is a good reminder. Needless to say, we may not find all the things we want in a person, but we can strive for as many as possible.

Bottomline, keep hold of your standards and the search for a trusting and committed partner. When you get to know someone of this caliber, only then can you let him know about your past. Hopefully you’ll feel secure enough to truly just be who you are. It’s all a risk, but if we don’t venture out there in those rough waters, full of sharks and blowfish, we may never know what pleasures await.

We all have different points in our lives when we hit a sexual pique, just because it’s not average doesn’t mean it’s wrong. I am an exception, as I have been sexually charged since kindergarten. You seem to be an intelligent and vibrant woman, and whomever you capture will most likely be a lucky individual. Don’t fret so much, just have fun, explore your desires and the rest will come.

© All rights reserved Kim Alvarez