It's my birthday and my dress is over my head

“My God, I haven’t been fucked like that since grade school”
Marla Singer in Fight Club

Toss aside your inhibitions, your hankies and your woes and let Mz. Conduct give it to you from head to toe: guttergrl69.hotmail.com

I got birthday money from my papa ... hooray, hooray! I immediately ran out and bought the video “Bend Over Boyfriend”, which I’ve been wanting for awhile now. It’s a bit more tutorial than I had hoped, for me at least (because I‘m little Miss Know-It-All), but I highly recommend it for women wanting to explore anal play with their man. Next on the list: boots and dildos. What else does a girl need?

I’ve been a very bad girl this week and perhaps need a swat on my sassy, plump ass. I made a naughty, little movie with a longtime, artist friend. Initially, I trotted on over to his purple, Victorian house so that he could draw out the tattoo I’ve been planning. I wanted vines, he insisted on flowers. This went on for a bit. Then he showed me footage, on his digital camera, of flowers that he photographed when vacationing in Central America. The next thing I know, we were shooting yours truly, and honey, you know I’m a ham for the cam. I was having a blast and my black, lace, bell-bottom pants were an aesthetic addition to each scene. We made cocktails and played my movie back on the big screen. Christ on a crutch, it was smoking. Suddenly I heard the song blare in my head, “You Oughta Be in Pictures.” I’m not a narcissistic, exhibitionist, gutter slut. Really, I’m not!

Sir Have-Weenie-Will-Travel came swinging it by the other night and handed me a box of British tea like it was a big gift or something. When I asked what it was for, he pompously told me it was for “when he comes over.” Well, he drinks gin at night and tea in the morning, so that meant one presumptuous thing. He was planning on spending the night. Now I never let anyone spend the night, for the simple fact that I don’t especially want to wake up and look at them in the morning. My usual line is “Leave your penis on the coffee table and get out.” Hell, it’d been a very long time since I caved, and his damn accent was making me as wet as my cheeks at a French film festival. Was it worth it? Well, the morning after, I vowed to resume my original plan of booting out the booty before I hit the hay. It’s never been worth it, so far anyway.

The Little Princess and I share the same royal birthdays and have been celebrating all week. Basically, I’ve been hung over for eight days straight. We had a cathartic little week, though (a necessary thing when approaching big birthdays). We danced, we sang horrible seventies tunes, we picked at our French fries, we blubbered into Bloody Marys, we smooched in the bathroom, we shopped for shoes, we admired each other’s titties, we drank too many cocktails, and we degraded - in an honest manner of course - all men in every way possible. That’s our job, isn’t it?

Dear Mz. Conduct,

I’m happily married and have been for nine years. My wife is a wonderful woman, but isn’t interested in sex anymore. This is my question; what would you tell me if I were to have sex with another woman? There’s a woman I have been with only once, but I want to continue seeing her. We can both be discreet, which is very important to me, as I know my wife would divorce me if she ever found out. I don’t want to lose my wife and son, but my manhood is wasting away. Please help?

Sneaky Pete

Dear SP,

Men, they have only a handful of hormones while we women have an entire slew to deal with. I’d like to tie you to a lamppost on your little yuppie street and butt fuck you until you fall into a coma. But then you’d probably like it. It’s not just up to your wife to spice things up, you know. What have you done lately to make things more fun? She may be so jaded at seeing you whip out your weanus and expecting her to faint at the mere sight of it. So this is my diatribe for you, mister: you need to talk to your wife about this problem first. Why do men have such a hard time with freakin’ communication? Is it because you’re afraid of the confrontation, the truth, and the conflict? And would you rather just slip back into your slimy holes of cheatin’ darkness and not have to deal with your woman freaking out? Well okay, granted, some women do freak out over the slightest things and also have communication trouble. We can make things way more complicated that need be, thus sending men off to cheat like a pool hustler under a full moon.

You do need to talk to your wife though, and see if you can work towards some sexual satisfaction together. If she’s unwilling and still uninterested only then would I tell her flat out that you might look elsewhere for your sexual gratification. See what she thinks of that. If she’s unable to understand, then at least you gave it a shot. Just remember a few things when having a fling: you set yourself open to falling in love with someone else or vice versa; you will lose some of the sacredness you have with your wife; she may find out and leave you. Also think about the tables being turned. How would you feel and what would you do if she were cheating on you? If you’re willing to take all of these risks after talking with you wife then via con Mz. Conduct, and off you go into the wild humping yonder.


Dear Mz. Conduct,

Can you masturbate too much? I’m a guy that sometimes feels I have road rash from too much masturbation.

Sam and his Sore Snake

Dear SahSS,

Vulveeta and cheese, if that was the case I’d be in the Hall of Fame. I only think it’s a problem if you feel compelled to massage your crotch in the dill pickle aisle of the supermarket.

In the late 19th century and early 20th century western doctors blamed masturbation for every illness known to man, from tuberculosis to loose morality. We are lucky now to have fabulous resources to tell us differently. One of the best sex toys shops in the states is Toys in Babeland (www.babeland.com). They have a store in Seattle and one in New York and hold workshops on just this topic. In May they, along with Good Vibrations, are hosting a Masturbate-A-Thon that perhaps you could look into. If I were a judge, I’d be there wearing raingear and a smile. You sound like you’re a competent candidate. Like Woody Allen said, “What’s wrong with masturbation? It’s sex with someone you love.” I agree. It exercises your fantasies and it’s safe sex.

I know men who masturbate all day long, whenever they can and others who wank the wiener only on occasion. It depends on your drive and no matter what yours is, it’s healthy and perfectly okay. If someone says they don’t masturbate, they are lying, honey. If your meat whistle gets sore or dry then grease that baby up with some olive oil. Vroom, vroom, now off you go.

Copyright 2002 All Rights Reserved Kim Alvarez