ring-a-ling and whack-'em jack 'em

“I took a deep breath and listened to the old brag of my heart. I am, I am, I am.”
Sylvia Plath

Ask Mz. Conduct anything that is floating in those confounded heads of yours at: guttergrl69.hotmail.com

I am shamefully smitten with the Blue Sky Boy. That’s a good thing, for what it’s worth, but I must be careful, as for once in my life I’m concerned about being the dumpee rather than the dumper. This whole re-thinking of the Queen Bee thang can be tough on a tootsie-pop girl. God in a gunny sack, I don’t want to be tossed like a salad, like cookies, like a dwarf, or a horseshoe. So, I’m simply a happy hoyden for now. It seems that just when you think your day is rained out and the game is cancelled, a beautiful blue sky comes rolling ‘round and suddenly the game is on and all the bases are loaded. And no one holds a bat like I do, honey.

So, I dragged the ex hubby out to the Bang Me club, one of the oldest strip clubs in town. I bought him their famous four-dollar steak and sidled up to the bar to watch a tantalizing girl make the Neanderthal dolts gathered at the bar jealous as she showed me all she had. How guys eat their sloppy ass burgers up there while the girls are trying to dance in their faces, I’ll never understand. It seems so rude, but then again, some men haven’t evolved much.

The Transient Trollop called from a state not far enough south to explain this annoying and puzzling habit of the indigenous folks: everyone, and she means everyone, uses the non-word ‘conversate’ in nearly every clumsy sentence they spew. “That bar is so loud that I just can’t conversate with anyone, Gad!” or “I conversated this morning with the barber over my would-be comb-over.” It’s got her and her gay boyfriend in an absolute tizzy and forced them to have cheap whiskey in the morning. Hey, I understand completely. Just hearing that made me need to whip a bone-dry martini.

May is masturbation month (yeah I know, we’ve all got a jump on that) and a friend is holding a Masturbate-A-Thon shindig at a dungeon in town. At first I hesitated about going for fear of seeing a bunch of fat, hairy oafs sitting around in a circle jerk. I could live my whole life without viewing that, but she’s having celebrities such as Ron Jeremy (I know, the ultimate fat, hairy oaf) and maybe Dr. Carol Queen, who I love and admire to death, and a decent band to play as well. So, Mister Bo Dangles and I will go and check it out. Don’t fret; I will report back with anything juicy. I may drag the Blue Sky Boy along as well, but I almost know for a fact that as soon as he steps in the room, the fountains will blow. I may need to carry a splatter shield just in case.

I just roped in a job as a phone sex operator and start yakking filth as of next week. Oh the joy of gushing girths while I do my nails, dishes and perhaps even myself. Men in need, that’s my niche I suppose. Amusing stories are sure to be discovered and I will report to my readers with promptness.

And so it goes, ‘round and ‘round and up and down, my bucket is full to paint the town!

Dear Mz. Conduct,

I need some advice. I have a friend in San Francisco, a girl that I used to
have a crush on. When I moved to another city last year we started emailing and have developed a good correspondence that has made us good friends.
I mentioned that I had this same old crush and thought she was pretty darn lovely. Usually, I hear from her within a couple of days, but she hasn't written back in a week. It is very unlike her. I wrote and apologized, told her I valued our relationship, told her I trusted her and that I imagined us being friends until we were wrinkled and gray. I also made an indication that if I was being cavalier about flirting and caused any confusion I was sorry for this as well. Why won't my friend write? It is giving me heartbreak and grief.
How long should I sit on my hands? There goes my heart being a fucker.

Waiting in Wonder

Oh just settle down, big boy. Put on Miles Davis Live and listen to him play Cyndi Lauper’s “Time after Time.” Have a Mz. Conduct martini and close your eyes. It will bring new meaning to your drab little, obsessive life. Stop jumping to conclusions about your girl. I’ll bet a new pair of boots that she went on a vacation or her computer crashed or something like that. You opened yourself up and you feel vulnerable, it’s okay baby, really. You should never feel bad about giving your love to someone. Perhaps she wasn’t expecting that, but that’s her problem, not yours. People should accept all the love that is given to them and it didn’t sound as if you attached any strings. Leave it alone from here. Get off your hands and give her a call. And yes, honey, the heart is a throbbing hunk of a mo fo, but without it we would not feel what life is all about. Now quit whining before I feel compelled to bitch-slap and butt-fuck you mister!

Dear Mz. Conduct,

I've been chasing this girl for three years and now that I have her it's great. I fell in love with her and she fell in love with me. We've had our share of problems. She says I've changed, but I don't know how. I just want to make her feel safe, even though she says she's fine. I know that there's something bothering her, but she won't tell me. She says that I'm not the guy she fell in love with. She said at the start we talked about anything and everything, and now we mostly talk about sex. I find that it's hard to stop, but we decided to take it slow. So, the question is... How can I get back to that person I was? We've been going out for 8 months. I love her so much and want to be the best for her. Can you help please?
Losing Her Quickly


Dear LHQ,

Trollops with titty clamps, we all change and hopefully grow as the years go by. At least we should be evolving as individuals, this is a necessary thing. Every
relationship has plateau stages where the initial interests seem to have worn off.
You need to have a discussion with your girl about this. If she can’t pinpoint what it is exactly that’s ‘changed’ about you, be sure to make her know how important it is to figure this out and stay together. There might even be things about her that she feels have changed. Some people project their own life conundrums on to their partner instead of facing it themselves. Just a thought. It’s good to self-evaluate the relationship from time to time. Relationships are work and both parties have to get involved, bottomline. In this case, she says the problem is the pressure of sex. She may be feeling as if all the focus is on a sexual relationship, and not a romantic one. There needs to be an equal balance, and women in particular need to know they are wanted for more than just a means to an end. My advice would be to take some extra measures to woo her. Go out on date, without dipping your boner in her honey trough, make out, dry hump like you used to. And don’t forget the damn flowers you dolt! We absolutely love them, and the thought of you picking out a bunch of pretty posies just for us really rocks our world, believe me. Communicate to her through your actions that you want this to work. Just writing the word dry humping has got me all a tither. Now where is that boy with the boner that I seem to be addicted to, damnit!

Copyright 2002 all rights reserved Kim Alvarez