queen of the mixed metaphor

“Easy baby. You’re almost a fire hazard”
Tura Satana in Faster Pussycat Kill Kill

Licensed for libidinous opinion and ready to blather to the masses. Ask Mz. Conduct at guttergrl69.hotmail.com


Spray my schoolgirl skirt with love juice and call me Lolita, what a wild, wild week I’ve had. Greedgirl and the Lion King and I delved into an ever-so-fun menage a twat. She learned her eat ‘em up yum yum technique from her Canadian Goose and, noodles on a poodle, she out munches most boys I know in that department. We romped until I had to dash out to meet another blind date. Let’s just say that I wish I had been blind. Blind, deaf and dumb, actually. Well, maybe I was dumb in the mentally vacant sort of way. My date’s first sentence was to complain about the rashes he had on both feet and then continued to cover all his other maladies from there. Even if he hadn’t physically resembled a backwoods hillbilly, his utterances were severely unattractive. My friends saved the day by plotting to ‘happen upon us’ us at the Labia Lounge. Greedgirl turned on her protective princess mode and got rid of the guy right then and there. My heroine!

Then I ventured out yet again. Blind date number two for the week. Again, the guy looked nothing like his photo, or maybe ten years ago he did, but certainly not this night. He looked like some eighties rocker, complete with an inch long ponytail and poofy bangs. I felt his irritation when I told him he should light my ciggie, it’d be polite. After all, he had a Zippo he was lighting his with and here I am, for mullet’s sake. Well, I knew it wasn’t going anywhere so I swilled gin ’n’ juices for hours while he rambled about bands and shows in the New York club scene. I love talking about music, that’s not a problem, but when you know you have to rely solely on that for conversation flow, ugh! So, he’s drinking water all night because he’s sick. Lovely. When I asked why he didn’t cancel and just stay home, he said he just had to meet me. I am Mz. Conduct and do understand, so, whatever. Then, when I was tanked, he got up from the crowded bar and said he had to go home and lay down. So home I drove feeling like a discarded bottle of cheap-ass gin. I was too late for the Bad Girl workshop I had signed up for and missed the whole she-bang, literally.

So, you’d think I’d be through with blind dates, but I don’t give up that easily, plus I like meeting new people, whether or not we throw ourselves into a feather bed and hump each other’s skin off. And I did meet a new and yummy Boytoy Bitch who took me on a picnic at the base of the mountains, dinner, erotica readings and to the far ends of the senses in a candlelit bedroom. Restraints and no restraint, I’m scorched with a red-hot poker of burning desire.

Mr. Bo Dangles and I engaged in a porn photo session with a side of Thai food and scotch and we and the Boytoy Bitch are gearing up to volunteer at this weekend’s Masturbate-a-thon. We will work the cloakroom and front desk as to avoid the lines of fire, so to speak. Stay tuned for details on the shindig!


Dear Mz. Conduct,

I’m in a relationship with a man that I love but it’s reached a passionless point. Recently I met someone on a brief road trip that I flirted with and have had lustful thoughts about ever since. I feel slightly guilty and haven’t mentioned this to my man, but it’s making me feel more removed from him. What should I do, I’m at a mental crossroads?

Guilty Girl

Dear GG,

Concubines in a chokehold girl, one of the things that can make a relationship passionless is the lack of sharing fantasies with your partner. Lose the guilt like a crotch filled with pubic hair. I guarantee your man has flirted and fantasized about all sorts of seemingly perverted things. No one expects you to only think about one person each time you have sex, no matter how much you love them (and if they do send them to me for a prompt bitch-slapping). It’s human nature to want variety, even if you don’t act on it. That depends on the arrangement of your relationship.

Bringing other people and fantasies into a sexual relationship is hotter than a horizontal hula-girl, babydoll! You need to talk to your man about these things. There are a couple of good books that I can recommend that may help you out. “Talk Sexy to the One You Love” by Barbara Keesling Ph.d. This book gives you exercises on writing down your fantasies and how to look in the mirror and say them out loud and then share them. Another good read is “The Fine Art of Erotic Talk” by Bonnie Gabriel. I hope you can open up with your man and find a place where you both feel comfortable and revive your passion. Make those sheets sizzle!

Dear Mz. Conduct,

I really like this girl, and although we are just fuck buddies and friends, she constantly blows me off after making plans. I feel hurt by this and want to just tell her to forget ever getting together again. Is that the best idea or should I just keep trying to connect with her?

Hurt in Houston

Dear HiH,

Do you kiss your mama with that mouth, boy? Just kidding; you know I love filthy minds and mouths and especially when they’re wrapped in bald heads and cockrings... sigh... I digress.

If she’s your friend, you should be able to tell her that continually blowing you off really ruffles your feathers. On the other hand, knowing that she does this to you should tell you something, boner brain, perhaps something you don’t want to see. Actions speak louder than words, as they say. Don’t make it matter so much and don’t make plans, just hang loose and if she follows through well, then bangable afternoon begin. However, if she doesn’t, thicken your skin and move on. Sounds to me like she doesn’t consider you enough of a friend or important enough to bother with, at least not unless she’s hard up and achingly in need of a beef injection. So, cry me a river and then tie a brick to your ankles and take a swim in the deep end.


© 2002 all rights reserved Kim Alvarez