you're the first to go

"The truth can't hurt you; it's just like the dark. It scares you witless, but in time you see things clear and stark."
Elvis Costello from the song “I Want You”

The libidinous and voluptuous Mz. Conduct answers all; guttergrl69.hotmail.com


One balmy night, bored and horny, I called up the pizza delivery boy (have I been watching too many porn flicks or what?). I ask for this one boy specifically and he knocks on the door thirty minutes later. Wearing my tall Mary Janes, a short, plaid schoolgirl outfit and crotchless fishnets, I ask him to come in while I get my wallet. He’s a surfer boy with bleached blonde locks, tall and thin with blue-eyed lust, what my ex husband would call a “faggy boy” or a “Mz. Conduct special.” When he closes the door and sets the pizza on the coffee table, I look him in the eyes and say, “Your shift is over baby.” I can tell that I’ve taken him by surprise and he doesn’t know what to do, but that’s okay, I do. I grabbed his face and kissed him like I was having an orgasm right there. That night, I wrapped my fishnets around every part of that boy and made him scream - Gaad, I love it when boys scream almost as loud as I do - like the naughty schoolgirl I was trying to be. Four hours later, he plans an unlikely story to tell his boss, and asks me if he could come back the next night. “Is it your night off?” I ask, and he says, “It is now.” Oh there are definite possibilities with this one. Large salami, lots of sauce and hold the dough and cheese, please. I’m such a bad girl, but damn, I’m so good at it.

I was deep into a compelling, SM thriller, A Tangled Web which you can buy on Amazon.com, written by my friend, Gregory Lions, when I get a call from Mister New York. Well, A Tangled Web is about a cyber affair with both parties interested in the SM lifestyle. They finally meet and psycho madness unravels. I put the book down and answer the phone. So, it’s Mister New York and he’s telling me he already bought a ticket to come to the West Coast to see me. My stomach did flip-flops and Christ on a crouton, it had me a tad nervous. It will be a few months until he flies out, but I will keep you posted. If I end up dismembered in a ditch by a serrated bread knife on Highway 46 then you know the column will be a deader too. After three martinis and a shot of something clear, I decided to look at this as an adventure of the heart and loins, one of those risky yet thrilling affairs that just may sweep meaning into one’s life. Stay tuned, film at eleven.

Cinderella Cyber Twat has been on a bit of a libidinous rampage lately. She’s been loyally following her Mz. Conduct strategies down the rabbit hole of lust. She was a bad little bitch and straddled a boy, in a public place, giving him the thrill of his meek little life. With her short, leather skirt hiked up to China, she made him hotter than Georgia asphalt and they took it to his van in the parking lot. You go girl!

The Transient Trollop was once again down to her last dollar and once again she hit it big on the lottery. The rent was paid, the dog was fed, and then, of course, cocktail swilling ensued, thus leaving her broke and inebriated as always. Or until the next swoosh of blessed luck, if there is such a thing. Baby, everything happens for a reason.

Dear Mz. Conduct,

I recently and finally went out with a woman who I had pursued for quite awhile. We were having such a good time until she asked if I liked to get done up the butt! I couldn’t believe she asked that, and of course I said no. She seemed instantly turned off and although the rest of the evening was pleasurable enough, I don’t know what will be.
Am I wrong to hold on to my masculinity like that?

One Way William


Dear OWW,

Water weasels in a wheelbarrow, what the hell does masculinity have to do with exercising your prostate? I swear, some men should never mingle with the public sector. I would join her in being turned off. Men brag about hiking up the Olympic peninsula and sea kayaking next to sharks, but they cross their legs when it comes to a question of anal stimulation. That’s just repressive and goofy, and I personally wouldn’t hold my breath thinking this girl will see you again. Oh go ahead, hold your breath. When you’re dead, she and I will both strap on, and ream your pucker in front of all your co-workers and the local football team, so there!

Okay, some straight men think that they are somehow turned into homosexuals if they have any sort of pleasure with anal play or penetration. That’s just dumb (except sometimes it’s right). Isn’t that just life though? There are hidden jewels to be discovered in our bodies; try to be more open-minded.

The perineum (the stretch of skin between the balls and the anus) is very sensitive and can be played with during sex for an even better orgasm. If you do this by yourself then you can be man enough to show a partner. Now, a man’s prostate gland is his G-Spot. That extreme deep tingle you get in your crotch when you are turned on is actually your prostate gland. It can be found about one or two inches within the anus, towards the penis, like a little dome. Try inserting your finger up your ass just a bit. If you are feeling brave when you go where no man -- or woman -- has gone before; you may want to use a little lubricant to ease it along. You don’t have to go buy anything either; olive oil (extra virgin in your case) makes a nice lube. If you feel the urge to pee, it’s a natural trigger, but will pass in about ten seconds, give or take. If you stroke your penis while your finger is there, you will thank me forever. Of course you will try this; you’re welcome. Think of it as a preventative medicine if you must. Prostates that get prodded have less chance of acquiring prostate cancer. Explore, and if it feels good, continue. Share the love and evolve damnit!


Dear Mz. Conduct,

Is it true that having a circumcised penis increases stamina? This is a rumor in Europe and I wondered if it was true .

Belgium Boy

Dear BB,

Holy peters in a pie pan, I think this is one of those man-type rumors that really has no substantiated answer. I asked my friend, Darklady (www.darklady.com), who is a wise woman indeed, and this is what she had to say: “I've never heard anything about this. My guess is that there's probably some reassuring male legend that associates the foreskin with potency and that any change to the penises natural, uncut status will somehow make said man "less" of a man. Never been my experience.

“What a circumcised man will experience is less sensitivity. Frankly, if anything, that would be more likely to increase how long it takes a man to achieve ejaculation since it may take him more time to experience the same amount of sensations as an uncut man. But stamina? That's got to do with testosterone and overall good health, not whether or not a guy has a sheath of skin he can pull over the head of his dick. It's *faintly* possible this has some sort of roots in racism somewhere in the dim past, too, since it was primarily Jews who were circumcised until it became all the rage.”

So, keep in mind that nothing will improve stamina better than a good diet, a healthy mindset and the knowledge of your own body. No get out of my face and go eat a waffle.

Copyright 2002 all rights reserved Kim Alvarez