fantasy fodder and reality slaughter

“All really great lovers are articulate, and verbal seduction is the surest road to actual seduction” Marya Mannes

Sweet and sassy, voluptuous little lassie, Mz. Conduct aches for your relationship ailments. Ask Mz. Conduct at: guttergrl69.hotmail.com

Blind date time again. This time a boy who wanted me to fulfill a fantasy of his reeled me in. His fantasy was -- extremely sensual -- to meet someone for the first time; no phone calls beforehand, no words spoken, just walk into the designated place and kiss. Wow, it sounded pretty hot and any titillating dare like that gets my panties wetter than a seal in heat. In fact it made me wonder why I hadn’t thought of it. Of course, revisiting the thoughts of my last two blind dates, I was a bit freaked out about the possibility of the guy looking nothing like his picture again, perhaps resembling a recent parolee or even worse. However, this boy gave me a nice little ‘out’. He explained in his email that if for some reason, after seeing him, I didn’t want to kiss him, I could simply say “hello” and he would understand. We would continue our date without even a mention of the initial fantasy. Well, yank my thigh highs and call me saturated, this was worth trying.

I arrived at the dimly lit Orbit Room a bit early, my body clad in black lace and oozing with anticipation, so I could swill a quick martini and prepare for anything. I was ready with a boisterous vocal “hello” at any given moment, but throbbing for the opposite. A few men walked in, balding and entirely unappealing, and I was mumbling a silent prayer to the Goddess of Guttersluts. A few more minutes passed and in walks a beautiful, dark haired, hunk of yum yum meat. Beautiful black curls on his head and a butt I could launch my teeth into. He looked at me and smiled and I returned one boldly. He walked across the room to be sure it was actually me. Since I hadn’t mentioned what I would be wearing or where I’d be sitting, he walked to the other side of the bar and looked around. All I could notice is those ebony curls, his smooth and boyish face, and the way his butt hugged his cargo pants. When he turned around from across the bar, he pointed at me as if to say “is that you?” and I smiled and nodded as his handsome face broke into a white-toothed grin, just a tad of wickedness on his lips. He strolled confidently towards the booth I was sitting in. What green eyes you have my dear, what gorgeous teeth you have my boy, what nice muscles you have and all the better to eat you with, my homo sapien sex on a stick. He sat down next to me in the sparkly green booth and our mouths entangled in a gooey union of tongue and heat, making me stick to the vinyl beneath me. Where is a Maxi pad when you need one? We yakked and drank dry, three olive martinis and ended up at my house rolling around from here to eternity. The amazing night that followed consisted of glow-in-the-dark condoms, a freak out over my nipples, worship of his almighty appendage, near lockjaw, and slipping my leopard patterned dildo where no man (or woman) has ever gone before. Mister Yum Yum is in New York now, just for a visit, but when he gets back, I’m all over that like red on a cherry.

So, fellow daters, all you whiners out there (and you know who you are) wallowing in self-pity, it just proves that with a little positive energy and persistence in this wacky dating scene, wishes can come true ! But as Mister Bo Dangles, the Ex Hubby, The Lion King (and frankly all the boys I know) remind me, there aren’t many girls out there in the world to rock it like me.

My phone sex job has proved to be exhausting. All the screaming and simulated cumming and ass slapping, it can really drain a girl, hour after hour, night after night, especially when there are no tangible men in sight. On any given night, I can become a saucy Nubian princess who’s getting her big round ass paddled, a naughty little slut, splayed out on a pool table with six men fondling me, a teacher disciplining a student for masturbating in class, a barely legal girlie, still dressed in her Catholic school girl uniform, a cum hungry whore begging loudly for anal sex, and an older woman informing a young boy on how I would drain his nut sack, ruler in hand. The list goes on and on and on. June Cleaver with a vibrator, it’s a damn good thing I have a powerful imagination.

I’m interviewing an enormous breasted porn star and must finish my editing process. You, boy with the lift in your Levis... bring that thang over here.



Dear Mz. Conduct,

I met this woman online several months ago and although we haven’t met yet, we have established a good relationship with writing and talking on the phone. I told her I was going out with some friends to a party and she was fine with that, but when I was honest with her and told her that I flirted with some girls and ended up in the middle of a gang bang blow job, she really blew up. She won’t even talk to me now. I’m wondering what to do at this point. Can you help?

Pantless in Providence

Dear PiP,

The last time you took your dunce hat off, did you remove your brain with it? Suction in the junction, you were honest with her for crap’s sake. By the way, you must have a lovely specimen o’ sausage meat to get that treatment, so why are you wasting your time with someone who is jealous over a man she’s never even met yet? She has no right to be upset. On the other hand, if you want to pursue something with this woman, then perhaps you may need to omit some details of your personal life. She obviously can’t handle some of the information. If she’s this way now, without even having met, think of how she may be if you did get together. I’d be running for them thar hills if I were you, but you’re a man and will most likely keep pursuing this woman, this unmounted mound of conniption fits. Maybe she’s just wishing it was she and not other wenches that were swallowing your schlong, but if you do decide to tell her blurbs of your sex life, maybe throw in a “but I was thinking of you the whole time baby.“ If she’s stupid enough, she’ll believe it. Otherwise shut your trap with her and have your fun. You don’t owe her anything but the truth and apparently she can’t even swallow that.



Dear Mz. Conduct,

So what's the best sex advice you've ever given?

Know-it-Poet

Dear KiP,

Hmmmm... let me shake up a dry martini for this one. Where are my penis shaped ice cubes, damnit? I could have consulted the archives, but I’m going to have to say this; my best general advice to people is to lose their inhibitions and realize that sexual self-expression is the absolute healthiest thing that can occur in one’s life. To explore one’s sexuality and get to a comfortable place with it can bring an absolute inner peace and release the spirit into untellable realms. Repression is still so prevalent in this society and one will never know true pleasure unless they become all they can as a sexual and free being. It is my personal mission to help people along in this area. If anyone wants to thank me, please send donations so I can finally buy that double-headed dildo I’ve been hankering for.

© All rights reserved Kim Alvarez