lickety split, weenies on a stick

“Do you dream of impossible things?” asked the fairy. “Never,” replied the girl,“ for I am filled with wonderful dreams of all the things that are possible.”
Mary Pat Corder

Shake me up a dirty martini and shake up my world with your questions. Ask Mz. Conduct at: guttergrl69.hotmail.com

Wild Bill and his Amazing Appendage came over for a visit the other day. We were comparing naughty narratives from the past weeks since we’d seen each other. He had banged this girl in California until his wiener almost fell off and I could barely walk from a six-timer romp the night before. We laughed at the gutterslut camaraderie we so fondly share. We yakked about Los Angeles, its pitiful landscape, movies and movie stars. Then somehow he gets around to telling me that his uncle (one he visits frequently) is an ultra famous movie star. I promised not to disclose the information, but, as you can imagine, I’m dying to tell. All I can say is, wow, I’ve been banging this famous movie star’s nephew for two years now! God, I love the smell of fame in the morning. That was a hint, bozo brains.


The Boytoy Bitch has been showering me with the most fabulous gifts. My favorites being the black light bulb in the shape of a decent sized penis and my chrome and leather martini shaker with a leopard shot glass/cap. He just knew I had to have those, and he’s so right. Now we’re shopping for black stilettos so I can grind them into his back. He says he needs punishment this weekend, but with all the gifts it’s hard to see. Oh baby, I’m sure to find something he hasn’t done properly.

I now have a volunteer bodyguard, Big Bald Bouncer, to escort me on my bad girl event nights, of which I will report all the sordid details, of course. He crafts flogging devices and has a doeskin one to die for. His expertise is a black leather-clad, over the knee, hand spanking and, honey, you know my flanks are hankering for that, and soon!

I was the only one in attendance at the Female Ejaculation workshop, so the beautiful Ms. Yum Yum, who was going to teach the class, and I made a deal. If she and her lovely lover could go home, start their weekend extra early, and have tons of yummy girl sex, she’d let me attend the next workshop for free. She also saddled me up - sigh, I wish it were in the literal sense - with a bag full of lube and a box of non-latex condoms. I thought it a pretty sweet deal, all in all. Next month, when the next workshop is scheduled, I hope to have a full report on the subject of the G-spot and female ejaculations, which some of you are in dire need to know.

The Blue Sky Boy and I went to the Tasseled Titty Club and had big fun. I flirted with the gorgeous girls and smooched a doll of a dancer in the bathroom. He loved watching me get all the attention and forked out loot for my tipping pleasure all night long. The Blue Sky Boy is an entertaining entity in and of himself. He’s beside himself over his latest acquirement. He has two new pussies to play with and invited me over to romp with them all. Okay, so maybe they’re of the feline variety and actually say, “meow,” but I love playing and smooching frisky critters. I love playing with him too, especially with my strap on. I did avoid the litter box and stuck to the scratch post, and oh my, what a beautiful scratch post it is. Purrrrrr.

A fan from Jordan, yeah the place near Israel, instant messaged me the other night and invited me to come to Jordan along with my sexy feet. Okay, you know what his fetish is. Since I haven’t had a freakin’ vacation in over a decade, I almost said yes until I was reminded by the ex hubby and Big Bald Bouncer that it was something I definitely do not want to do... for so many reasons. Think about it. So, I simply enthralled him in a cock stroking fantasy with both feet and he seemed satisfied for the moment.

Ms. Lula la Paintbrush is heading over today to borrow some naughty yet classy garment to wear when she flies off to see her Catholic priest this week. I thought an ultra short length nun’s habit with garter belt and stockings would be wickedly sacrilegious, but perhaps the fact that she’s banging him is enough. Oh, we’re all going to hell in a hand basket anyway, get over it.

Now where is that juicy girl with the pigtails, boytoy in tow, and my heart?

Dear Mz. Conduct,

My girlfriend and I have been purposefully abstaining from sex until we tie the marriage knot. Now don't get me wrong, we've been seeing each other for nearly two years, and for the first year and few months we were fucking like minks. We recently agreed on a mutual decision to abstain until, well, last night. We both were on the brink of going completely nuts and ended up in my bed. We had some of the best sex ever.

I'm not asking any kind of religious or spiritual or ethical question, but do you think it's good to "abstain" - in the sense of purposefully doing so for an extended period, so that we you do reach the breaking point the sex is so much better? I guess it's probably pretty obvious, but I thought I'd at least get your thoughts anyway.

Wally in Waiting

Dear WiW,

Water weenies on lawn boys, I think you answered your own question there, Einstein. I think there are many ways to spruce up a sex life and abstinence is just one of them. Tortuous as it may be, it can bring you back to appreciate all that you had/have with your partner. You can even throw in things, like planning to meet somewhere, pretending it’s the first time you saw your other, striking up a conversation, running your hand up her leg, and sneaking away to dry hump in the bathroom of whatever establishment you choose to meet at. Then you go home, not saying a thing about what happened and slide back into the norm of whatever your relationship agreement may be. Another thing that can be kind of hot is to call her up, make believe she’s a phone sex operator and blah and blah. You get my drift. It’s all about sustaining the passion. A point to remember is that it’s fun and sexually nourishing to do these things even after you get hitched. Keep it going, honey and if you’re not using your dick then use your imagination. That’s what it’s all about.

Dear Mz. Conduct:

I have been hanging out with a very attractive lady with whom I share a lot
of chemistry. She has a boyfriend with whom she's smitten, but on the East Coast.

Officially, we are just friends, but we have flirted a bit. She even showed
me her tits the other night when she was drunk. That very same evening at
her house, I was dicking around on her computer and pulled up a pornographic
picture of a woman. I thought it might be a funny prank if she turned around
and saw that girl in all her glory with the vibrator inside her sitting on
her monitor. When she did turn around, she was horribly offended and now I
think I may have ruined any chance I had with her. She seems to think I'm
some kind of damn freak now. I'm guilty of piss-poor judgment and being a
testosterone driven sex freak, but I'm not entirely sure I understand why she
was so profoundly offended. I care deeply for this woman as a person and her
friendship is extremely important to me. How could I have fucked up so bad?

In Love With A Woman Who Is In Love With Another Man And Doesn't Like Porn On Her Computer

Dear IL,

Is this woman a total mixed-up prude; an inebriated titty flasher until she joins the convent? Probably not, but I think this woman has some issues to deal with that are entirely NOT yours to deal with at all. Let’s look at the situation; her boyfriend lives far away, she felt comfortable with you, safe if you will, and she’s so horny she could take on a Spanish matador head on. She may feel like you didn’t understand all this and maybe you didn’t. Women sometimes expect men to read their minds and then give mixed signals. I empathize with men once in awhile for this. Your hormones can never measure up with a woman’s, bottomline. Your biological make-up just doesn’t allow it. Your penile persona took over, understandably, because you are a man and can’t help it.

I doubt if she was truly offended by your porn pondering, but rather it threw her and her sopping loins into a fiery frenzy of lusty guilt. Apologize to her and then ask her why it is that she was so seemingly offended. You genuinely care about her friendship so try to initiate an intelligent conversation about her reactionary impulses, porn in general, her faithfulness to this East Coast guy, etc. Sounds like you've opened a door, not closed one!

© All rights reserved Kim Alvarez