pigtails and beach wails

“What do I have to rebel against? I don’t know, what da ya got?”
Marlon Brando in the Wild Ones

Rock ‘em Sock ‘em robots in a brown paper bag, shove those questions at me and I’ll tell you what you never wanted to hear! Ask Mz Conduct at: guttergrl69.hotmail.com

I’ve been wearing my hair in pigtails lately, letting them stick out straight and go where they must, like a twisted punky version of Pippi Longstockings. I’m asked for ID even more than ever, and when I wear my short skirt and over-the-knee stockings, the boys just eat it up (literally for some). Some may say it’s a sad reversion back to childhood, but not for me, especially since my childhood sucked big fat donkey weenies. It’s just fun. As one of my bumper stickers says, “It’s never too late to have a happy childhood.” Speaking of bumper stickers, I bought a few new ones for the back of my truck. My favorite being, “Good Girls Go To Heaven, But Bad Girls Go Everywhere.” Helen Gurly Brown said that and then started the pathetically self-image disabling Cosmopolitan magazine. Poor Helen, she just needed to be bitch-slapped and butt fucked, but then my philosophy is that we all do from time to time... just to keep a proper perspective on life.

The Transient Trollop was fired from her job, where she held the title, “Waitress from Hell,” and right before her freakin’ birthday. She had planned to quit at some inopportune time, during the lunch rush or as the table full of lawyers was demanding more water, but sometimes things don’t work out the way one wants. As she so eloquently put it, “Getting fired from a job you hate is like being dumped by a mercy fuck.”

I was at Spa Phoo-Phoo having my eyebrows waxed when I noticed how cute the girlie that was ripping the wax off my brows was. I confess that at first I had deviant thoughts, but then realized that she was much too young and seemingly innocent. So I decided to hook her up with my studly son. She was totally into meeting him after I whipped out my wallet photo of him. I’m such a ‘mom’ sometimes, but he never doubts my judgement, as Mz. Conduct does have a knack for the love thang.

Sometimes my loved ones don’t want to hear my blunt blurbs of advice, but then it dawns on them that I just may have a point. My ex-hubby slammed the phone down on my ear after I gave him a few pointers before his blind date. All I said was, “Be sure and clip your loose cruisin’ nose hairs, and for the love of labia, when you play pool, don’t put on your stinkin’ gloves. You look like an idiot. “ *Click*. Such is life, eh?

Pulling into my driveway, I see my neighbor, ol’ Jackson, meandering towards my house. He appeared to be carrying that greasy bag of fish he so loves to munch on. He walks down to the market every other day or so and gazes in my window, trying to catch a glimpse of my bare ass. So, I pull in and get out of my truck and he mumbled a throaty, “Hey Kimi, you sure lookin’ good,” and I thanked him and talk about the weather as I wrestled with my bag of groceries. “I sure be wantin’ to git wit you girl,” he drawled and I told him, “I know, Jackson, but I told you before, that will never happen.” He got all riled and said, “Why you won’t gimme a chance girl?,” and I told him flat out, “You’re just too old mister.” Then he slurred,“Ahhh be showin’ you a goooood time though, I be showin’ you what a real man can do,” and I reiterated, “Not in your lifetime Jackson, now you go on and have a good day.” Then he just walked away, his hand rummaging in his bag of greasy seafood, shaking his head from side to side. I could hear him murmur “Man oh man oh man,” like his life was meaningless.

The other night my son and I absorbed the amazing acrobatics of the Cirque du Soleil show. When I remarked, “Ironic! I pulled that same move with a boy the other night,” my son reminded me that I had traumatized him for life. He told me, “I’m trying to have a virtuous image of my mother and it’s just not happening,” and I replied, “Let it go sweetie, it won’t ever happen.” He laughed and bought me a pretzel. As I looked at the twisted, brown rope of the pretzel, I honestly was reminded of yet another configuration from a recent wild night. My son -- reading my dirty little mind -- said sharply, “Don’t even go there mama!” So instead, I let myself be mesmerized by the flexing muscles and taut French bodies before me... sigh.

Pretty Hippy Boy and I had a lovely vegan lunch at the Labia Lounge. I then lounged on his velvet couch where I sucked down an even yummier protein dessert with Dylan’s “Sad-eyed Lady of the Lowlands” playing in the background. Just like a woman, a girl does need her protein and he has a sweet supply, Pretty Hippy Boy that is, not Dylan.

Dear Mz. Conduct,

Please tell me why a wonderfully mature hotty, like yourself, who is partial to young hairless boys, would pass up an opportunity for momentary bliss with an experienced, ol’ hairy dude?

Heartbroken Harry

Dear HH,

Let me see, how I can phrase this... maybe because you are HAIRY, OLD and obviously DENSE, and telling you this, well... this is my momentary bliss.


Dear Mz. Conduct,

Here's a question for you: I have a very hot girlfriend who is horny about half the month. I'm talking ‘soak a tampon’ wet and when she instigates sex, it’s incredible! The problem is that the other half of the month she’s not into sex at all. If I happen to be the aggressor at these times then she says "I feel like a cheap whore." Since we’re not married (in fact her divorce isn't final), is this just a case of morals gone awry? Should I worry that this will linger long after she's blissfully divorced?

Peter Meter Running

Dear PMR,

You know, Mister Beavis with a Boner, not all women will constantly faint at the sight of you and your superb schlong sandwich. I would have to say that most definitely her emotions and hormones are kickin' in at those uninterested times. Barbie in bondage, our damn hormones play a big part in things and men have no idea what to make of it. Not your fault, you just aren’t built to know. One thing to remember is that women, when they ovulate and when they stress (for any number of reasons), surely might not be in the mood for a lusty romp. Two whole weeks does seem a bit much for going without sex, at least on a regular basis, so if it remains like this, she may want to get a check-up; there may also be some physical reason why her libido takes an extended vacation each month.

You’ve got to shake up the mix a little too. Don’t expect the same excitement from her all the time. On occasion, when I was married and trying to do seven things at once, feeling bitchy and overwhelmed and hovering over the sink or stove, my ex-hubby used to come up behind me and kiss the back of my neck. Sure it was annoying, and I’d start bitching like a fishwife, but at the same time I was soaking my panties. He’d just yank my dress up and start banging me from behind until I fell to the floor on my shaking knees, giggling with sated breath. There’s nothing like a good banging to flip-flop the ol’ mood swings.

I do realize that most women aren’t like me (are there any?), so perhaps when she’s ‘not in the mood,’ you may want to try a softer approach. To seduce her, try providing a back rub, a foot massage and/or a candlelit bubble bath. All of these things can get the girl purring and when she’s feeling less stressed, she’ll be more inclined to let your hot dog play with her pussycat. Remember that not every bout o’ booty has to be a scene from “Coquette the Cum Whore.” Enjoy the variety of passion and whack the weenie meat when you need to.

© All rights reserved Kim Alvarez