bound, but not gagged

“Oh Mz. Kimi, you are too good for heaven and too hot for hell!”
Mister Coyote

Toss off your questions like a cheap bra and send them to me at:
guttergrl69.hotmail.com. Also feel free to contribute to the Mz. Conduct Survival Fund through Pay Pal (www.paypal.com) under the same email address. Smooches to all of you who have already made a contribution. The Goddess of Guttersluts will bless you forever!

I have two mutts. One is a sweet old bitch and fat as a barn. The other has the ‘little guy’ complex and attacks anything with legs, this being his own shortcoming. Thinking that their health would improve if I walked them more, I usually feel guilty because I don’t do it nearly enough. Guilt ridden and in need of some exercise myself, I harnessed up the critters and, like horses out of the chute, off they sprinted, dragging me behind them. Once at the park, the fat girl leash comes off so she can whittle down some girth and I hole tight to the little guy leash so he won’t dash away to prove his manhood. Fall is in the air and all three of us are feeling frisky. Lots of dogs in the park today and the fat girl comes running back with a handsome hound in tow. I see she’s having fun and look up to see the handsome hound’s owner. Well, now, I see this man is a handsome hound himself and he smiles like a beacon in the fog at me. ‘He’s too young’ I think to myself, and then laugh a bit, thinking: When did that ever stop me? Now I’m not much of a flirter, as I feel that if you want to jump someone’s bones, you should just be direct, play no games. Life is too short to shadow dance, maybe that’s just me. This guy and I started yakking and we see our dogs getting along and he asks if I want to go have coffee and I reply, “Only if I can toss some Wild Turkey in with it!” and he laughs as if I was joking. So, we take our dogs home and later he meets me back at the park and we walk to the Starbucks down the street. I have a de-caf soy latte and he has something dangerously caffeinated. (I have too much energy as it is and you don’t want to see me on caffeine, believe me!) Anyway, this handsome hunk was getting all starry-eyed and, damn his smile, it was making my loins throb and my pulse race. Enough of the coffee chat, I decided. I held his hand across the table and looked into his brown intoned eyes “Let’s go to my place, and let’s go now.” His dynamic smile got wider and he grabbed my hand and we hoofed it back to my house, this time with a quick stride, in-out step. The caffeine induced anticipation and the brisk fall morning felt like a shot in the arm. My house. In he went, down he fell, onto the futon, taking me with him and enveloped me in his lust-filled arms. He seemed to want to literally rip my clothes right off me, so I unbuttoned my sweater and threw it on the floor, then demanded he rip my dress right off my body. When he started to speak -- obviously worried about my dress being ruined -- I promptly shushed him and said “Do it, Dogboy!” Wow, coffee buzz and youthful strength combined into the wildly erotic sounds of cotton ripping, with me dripping, him groaning with concentrated measure. This boy was naughty and fun and when he asked me to use my strap-on with him, I thought I heard the angels sing! Once he saw my double-headed dildo, he almost lost control right there in the living room. Oh, it was a glorious morning, lots of exercise for all, and when we finally passed out, a million hours later, we realized that the dogs had been passed out the entire time. Woof, baby!

I went to the Twilight Lounge to see Mr. Bo Dangles and his beautiful girlfriend play a few sets of their unique blend rock and raunch. They named their duo Gin and Tillyanna and her throaty voice gave me the quim quivers, honey. Mr. Bo Dangles knows his way around a drum kit, too. After ninety-five cocktails, I made a trip to the restroom and found I had to wait. Ugh! To kill time, I blathered to a cute boy who was waiting for the boy’s room. I told him he looked like Benicio del Torro‘s son. He was overly flattered. I thought about hauling him into the bathroom with me, but my bladder was not cooperating with that train of thought. And, finally, the door opened, spilling out an inebriated bimbo who had apparently marinated in cheap-ass perfume for seven days. She apologized for taking so long. “Yeah, whatever, honey” I bitched and waved the stench away as I locked the door behind me. The things I do for friends, ha!

I attended the Female Ejaculation class the other night, given by the cutest lesbian in the world: Brandy. A little brandy is good with anything, I think, or dream rather. About fifteen people were in attendance, everyone from extra-large lesbians and a woman with a hysterectomy, to earth-shoe couples and a girl who wasn’t sure if she’d ever had an orgasm. I mentioned that we’d learn better if it was a ‘hands on’ course. Brandy agreed, but the laws have thin lines to adhere to, so it was a little tricky. I suggested a private residence, such as my house, for the next class. That way we could actually demonstrate squirting techniques and I’d gladly be a volunteer. The men in the class seemed to agree that it would be a good idea. I’ve decided to toss in a few questions that pertain to the subject of the female g-spot and while you read, I will be visiting my own.

Dear Mz. Conduct,

I am a twenty-eight year old woman and think I might have ejaculated once or twice, but truthfully I thought I peed. I wasn’t with a partner, I was using my vibrator. It felt like my bladder was full, but it didn’t smell like pee. The substance didn’t seem like it was cum though either. Can you tell me what I did?

Wet Sheets

Dear WS,

Yes, baby you squirted! Throw the confetti and sing halleluiah, what you accomplished is worth applause. One thing to note; it’s best to empty your bladder before masturbating, just to be more comfortable, as you hit your g-spot it does give a feel of a full bladder sometimes, but it is not pee. It seems that both the quantity of ejaculate differs between women, as does the make-up of the ejaculate. After repeated tests, one thing is certain, it is definitely not urine. The substance is not exactly cum either. It’s a mix of different fluids (still being researched) that are produced in the paraurethral gland, in the urethral sponge and is usually clear, or milky and as thin as water. It’s almost always odorless, depending on time of month in your cycle and diet, etc. The ejaculate itself is surprisingly similar to male ejaculatory fluid. A liquid very similar to male prostate fluid is certainly in evidence in female ejaculate but there is often a significant quantity of other fluid - either from the bladder or from the urethra as well.

The urethral sponge is filled with nerve endings and some women find stimulation of that area very arousing, others can find it unpleasant or not feel anything at all. But the area is very real and exists. And we all can learn to ejaculate, so yay!

Dear Mz. Conduct,

I’ve surprised my boyfriend (and myself) a few times when I ejaculated during sex. Is this a special sort of orgasm, because it felt completely difference and more intense? And how do I do it again?

Gushing Girl

Dear GG,

First of all, you can have an orgasm -- lots of kinds by the way -- and not ejaculate; just as you can ejaculate and not have an orgasm. A woman can ejaculate before, during or after an orgasm as a matter of fact. When the urethral sponge gets aroused, it swells up, and this is when you’re most likely to squirt. Usually, after a couple of orgasms, you and your PC muscle become more relaxed enabling better results. (Your PC muscle is the one that keeps your cervix and vaginal opening tight and clamps off in the middle of peeing. Your Kegal exercise muscle, that’s the one baby!) So, I have no idea if you had ten or no orgasms, but since ejaculation mostly happens when that muscle is relaxed, you probably did at some point. It is a very intense sensation and can actually make you pass out afterwards. Oh, honey, I love those kinds of comas!

You can experiment on your own with a vibrator and an attachment. There are several, but the Hitachi is my favorite. You can get special G-spot stimulators that go on the end. The G-spot is located about two inches inside the vaginal wall and almost right behind the clitoris. If using your fingers, try two, and crook towards your tummy. You can feel a rougher area, which is the spot. It can be the size of a dime or as large as a fifty-cent piece; it varies in everyone, depending on their build, as well as the exact location. Most women need some degree of pressure to stimulate the G-spot and it can feel strange at first, but don’t give up, it’s worth it. It can also take from ten minutes to an hour to ejaculate the first time, so be patient with yourself or partner. Now, you go girl, spread those legs and fly!

© All rights reserved Kim Alvarez