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“When women go wrong, men go right after them.”
Mae West

Ask Mz. Conduct what rips in your brain, your heart and/or your pants at: guttergrl69.hotmail.com and contribute, if you will, to the Mz. Conduct Survival Fund through Pay Pal (www.paypal.com) using this email!

The Lion King bought me a ticket to go see the fabulous “Sex and the City” writer, Cindy Chupak. It was a swanky affair held at the downtown Creative Conference Center, under huge skylights and plush, red carpet. I went solo and brought a notebook, as I always do wherever I go. After registering and getting my little nametag slapped on, I meandered around in the snob-soaked crowd. I realized my ticket didn’t include cocktails or even a raffle ticket. I could do without winning a signed picture of the “Sex and the City” girls or a DVD of the third season, but no cocktail! I had thirty-six cents to my name, but figured I’d find some available man to buy me a Cosmopolitan, the featured drink of the evening, of course. No such luck. There were only a handful of men, and they looked as if their women had dragged them by the Dockers to this estrogenic event. So, I found a chair by the jazz trio, sat and observed the masses, perched from my viewpoint. Everywhere I looked, I saw perfectly coiffed heads, masks of flawless complexions, Prada shoes and Gucci handbags. I wondered, would I ever be one of these women that can afford good shoes, raffle tickets and cocktails? Oh yes, I will, but I’m also sure I’ll forever have my bleached blonde pigtails and hooker-red nails, or some reasonable facsimile. And, clearly, I will always be the sassiest bitch around.

My back was killing me from waxing floors all day -- my day job, I hate it -- so, I was glad to have a chair, as the room was filling up fast. I had the jazz trio playing “Ding Dong, the Witch is Dead” and feasted on fancy hors d’oeuvres -- or whores de ovaries, as my grandma used to say -- so I was content. Then along comes a guy who looks exactly like the late John Denver, and he sits down next to me. We yakked for a bit and, when I realized he was also flying solo, asked him to buy me a drink. He explained that he was also broke and was only drinking water himself. I said he must be a freelance writer, too, and indeed, I was correct. Figures. He was a decent sort though, so we headed outside for a ciggie break together. Of course, he bummed one from me. Back inside and still a half-hour to kill before Cindy, another woman (clutching a Chihuahua) came and sat with us. The little dog was so sedate, I worried that it was dead. No, just Prozac paws and an owner who could use some perhaps.

Finally the theatre opened its doors. Everyone else, but for us po’ folk, guzzled the last of their cocktails, crammed what they could of the cheese wrapped kiwi in their mouths and headed inside. Since I had none of this to do, I waltzed in and got a seat front and center. Yay! The talk was splendid and Cindy was both hilariously lovely and very inspiring. Afterwards, as people lined up for her autograph, I jumped up (being right there and all) and not needing no stinkin’ autograph, I gave her my card instead. We had a short chat and she shook my hand! I drove home, grinning like an idiot, with silly reveries of getting a call from New York to help write an episode of “Sex and the City.” You just never know!

Now, to make a booty call to one of my eager-beavered boy-toys. He better be a young, strong thing and be able to handle my raunchy, ravenous, rampage of lust tonight. Honey, his penis is doomed!

Mz Conduct,

In one of your recent columns, you told the 23 year-old that it was OK to masturbate 7 times/day. That is not necessarily true . When he reaches 40, he will not be able to get it up. The spongy tissue that soakes {sic} up blood and allows the penis to become stiff, will have atrophied. This is very bad advice you have given. Keep up the good intent though! Someday you will know enough to provide the right advice!

SB

Dear SB,

Even though my first reaction to your letter was, “Bite me boner-less boy,” I realized that I do like a challenge, even a little conflict, from time to time. So, thank you for providing just that.

I have never heard of such a thing, but decided to interview some men. My roommate, the Distinguished Deviant, told me he masturbated about that much when he was that age and he is fifty-one now and still going strong in the erection department, as well as all other areas of penile function. Asking approximately ten different men, they all came up with about the same answer. Since you didn’t tell me where you got your information or toss me any sort of reference, I decided to be professional and get some for you. I contacted a clinical sexologist, Joseph Marzucco, MS, PA-C, who’s been in practice for thirty-six years. He also teaches a Human Sexuality class at Portland State University. Here is what he said:

“In a human male libido (the mental desire to enter sexual activity), the ability to get an erection and the ability to ejaculate are physiologically distinct.

“First, on a psychological level, I agree with you that as long as the frequency of masturbation does not interfere with his life, relationship or cause distress in some way there is no reason not to masturbate.

“It seems your reader is suggesting that masturbation, somehow, atrophies tissue in the penis, such that he will not be able to get an erection. Emphatically not true ! Stroking your penis, unless you actually injure it in doing so, does nothing bad to the inside of the penis. In fact, getting blood into the penis, regardless of ejaculating is probably good. More blood equals higher oxygen tension which produces a chemical that reducing the “Natural” aging of the tissue inside the penis.

“A mans deterioration of erectile function does begin in the forties, but by no means does his ability to have an erection go away. In fact erections suffer more from smoking high blood pressure, medicines, diabetes, high cholesterol and heart disease, just to mention a few.

“An odd fact to most people is that a man can ejaculate without an erection. This is true because the ability to get an erection is separate from ejaculation. Another fact is that when a man ejaculates he goes into a “refractory” period were the ability to ejaculate again is impossible until a certain period of time goes by.
The refractory period is extremely variable but in general gets longer the older we get. The reality is that we do not know a lot about the variability of ejaculatory ability in men across a life span. It would make a great research project. In my experience, talking to many men about sexual function in general, and ejaculation specifically, the ability to ejaculate more then twice per day on a regular basis is rare. Ejaculating seven times a day is extremely rare, but in no way injurious to a man’s heath or sexual function…unless he thinks it is or is convinced it is by someone else.

Joseph Marzucco, MS, PA-C
Sex Therapist
www.csa-info.com

So, perhaps your brain cells have ‘atrophied’ from lack of use and the only way for you to get an erection these days is to try your best at hacking up glamorous sex advice columnists.

Dear Mz. Conduct,

I have a quick question for you. There's a girl at work that I'm getting know pretty well. Through our "bantering" I think there's a good chance she's interested in something more physical. I must say that I'm a little nervous about her seeing my cock for the first time and being disappointed with my size. Think I should be concerned about it? Any advice?

Small Fry

Dear SF,

I think that the girl has shown that she is already interested in the person you are. Don’t over-analyze the situation. If you don’t stop obsessing, then if/when the time comes where she may indeed get a look-see at your little guy, you may not only shrivel up even tinier than you already are (holy prostitutes with prosthetics, I bet you can’t afford that), but you’ll be a lame duck in the sack too. Just relax. If you and she get to a more intimate place in your relationship, just keep in mind that there are about a zillion other aspects to sex than just your penis. Wait it out and let her see all the charming qualities that you possess. If you don’t have any... then start stressing out.

© All rights reserved Kim Alvarez