begonias and banging blonde boys

“A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.”
Herm Albright

Ask me, ask me, ask me, damnit! Ask Mz. Conduct at: guttergrl69.hotmail.com and send me your appreciation at www.paypal.com!

Flowers were delivered to me the other day. A huge bouquet of lilies and roses and an attached card reading: There’s no one like you. No signature, name or nom de plume. Well, surprise! it was my ex-wedding anniversary -- no, my ex would never send flowers, especially after I just wrestled a divorce out of him. It was also an anniversary of an ex- boyfriend -- no, he’s pissed because he whipped his weenie out in the parking lot and I told people about it. Hmmm, it wasn’t the Yum Yum Boy in Australia -- such a move was not him. Still, I was narrowing it down. Finally I decided it didn’t really matter, just a nice surprise, and, of course, I deserve them. Thank you, whomever you are!

A beautiful blonde boy has been after me for some time now and since he’s freshly back from working in Alaska and I’m hankering for a stiff one, I decided to hook it up with him. When offering up all that he’d do for me, I nonchalantly asked if I could perhaps use my strap on with him. He was beside himself and told me, to my devilish delight, “the bigger, the better!” Angels of the anus, my trustee ol’ double headed dildo was going to finally get some use. I met him at the Tiki Lounge and oh-la-la, was he a cutie! Plus, he bought me oodles of martinis, played footsies under the table and we smooched over wet napkins and swizzle sticks. We finally blew the joint and made a mad dash to his car. I wanted to see what he had in his pants and wrestled his appendage out for a look-see. A decent specimen to be sure. Smiling seductively, I told him to drive, and drive like a maniac, back to his place. We didn’t make it that far. We pulled over on the bridge and I got out of his car and bent over the hood, said “ Do me, and do me now, baby!” and he obliged with fearless force until I screamed, in blissful release, all over this fair city.

My ultra-cool roommate, when he isn’t thinking he’s dying of some rash or head bump, has managed to cheer me up over and over again. When I’m in my funk and listening non-stop to Billie Holiday or Jeff Buckley -- drinking more than one person should and chain smoking myself into a frenzy -- he brings me African violets, good coffee, leather skirts, and herb. He should have a medal for putting up with me, but instead he just loves me... and that’s truly a jewel all it’s own.

I had a fabulous lunch with Mister A the other day. He said he had something for me, which made me wet with anticipation; then he slowly whipped out the absolute biggest, most beautiful, most amazingly spectacular... snow globe I’d ever seen! He returned from a trip to New York and remembered that I collected them, this one in the shape of a heart, all sparkly and pink, sort of like me! He also gave me a CD with a million digital photos of Greedgirl and I doing a naughty, little show together. We look pretty damn hot, if I do say so myself. Hmmm... I should really call her, and soon!

I’m off to workout and peruse the weight room for bangable material. If I wasn’t so
discriminating, I’m sure I wouldn’t be so frustrated today. Sometimes pumping iron isn’t all a girl needs. Sometimes pumping flesh rods is what she needs, and if that doesn’t pan out, then a good fantasy in the steam room will just have to do.



Dear Mz. Conduct,

What makes you so qualified to give sex advice?

Curious George

Dear CG,
Honey, I’ve been around the block about a zillion times -- taking turns with directions, as not to get dizzy -- and after decades of helping my friends and their friends out, decided to broadcast my opinion to the masses. I attend many workshops, read all I can, and am continually immersed in my element: the sex industry. All the bad-girl things I do, I do in the name of research baby! Simple as that. Now go grab that book from my coffee table, “Whores and Other Feminists” by Jill Nagle, sent to me by a fan, then make me a martini and go away.

Dear Mz. Conduct,

My girlfriend has complained, in a nice sort of way, that my penis is too thin. She said the length is great, but I lack the girth she likes. I’ve never heard this before and wonder what I can do to please her?

The Thin Man

Dear TM,

Yeah, it can matter if a guy looks as if he could stick his wiener in a pencil sharpener. I’m not a big fan of the skinnies myself, but too much girth is not good for me either. So where does that leave you? It’s all individual and since your girl has told you that this promotes a problem for her, try wearing a cock sleeve. You can get them at most any adult video/toy stores. They’re inexpensive and they come in colors. It’s just like a thick condom with ridges and bumps all over it and they work rather well. You can also order the Blossom Sleeve from Toys in Babeland (www.toysinbabeland.com). It’s made of a soft, pliable jelly rubber and is very stretchy. It’s made to feel like the inside of a vagina so it should be enjoyable to you both. Where there’s a will there’s a way, baby. Slide that stick-thin schlong of yours in a sleeve and have at it!

Dear Mz. Conduct,

After reading your columns, and finally knowing what kind of woman I want, how does a man like me go about getting to know a woman like you and eventually having sex with her?

Smitten

Dear S,

What is a ‘man like you’ all about? I have no idea, except that you show good taste in reading my columns. You like a strong and bitchy woman apparently, and that can be a good thing. It shows that you are secure to some extent. However, there aren’t a whole lot of women like me in this world and getting to the bedroom (or car hood) with me takes a whole lot of chemistry, which is an entirely a fateful thing.

© All rights reserved Kim Alvarez

~as printed in SFX magazine~