Adopting for the first time can shake the confidence of the best soon-to-be parents.

Esther and I had reached the final stage of our adoption process. Our paperwork was grinding through the Salvadoran adoption courts. In a few weeks we would travel to San Salvador to bring home our little daughter, Monica Carolina, age 3 1/2. I thought a lot during those days about the changes in my life and life style that would soon transform our home. I had absolute confidence in Esther's ability to be a great mom. I was the one whose parenting potential was suspect. A litany of reasons why I shouldn't do what I was doing lined up in my mind, vying for top position. Here are only a few:

Disruption of My Comfortable, Orderly Lifestyle

Esther and I had settled into a nice routine together. I liked being free to come and go at our own pace. What would it be like to introduce a new little person into our home, one with lots of needs, one who would dance to her own beat . . . on feet much nimbler than mine?

Advanced Age

I was a late bloomer. I married after the folly of youth had given way to the "wisdom" of my early middle years. Although I was (and am) in good health and people told me I looked much younger than my age, I did wonder how much energy I'd have left for parenting our daughter through the agonies and ecstasies of growing up.

Lack of Appetite for Eating My Own Words

For eighteen years I served as a Roman Catholic priest. From the celibate safety of my pulpit, I gave sage advice to harried parents. I knew all the right things to do, the perfect words to say in every parent-child confrontation. What now? Were my well-intentioned "shoulds" about to come back to haunt me? Were the stone tablets on which I once inscribed my "10 Commandments for Rearing the Perfect Child" about crumble into a million grains of sand?

What If She Didn't Like Me?

I'd seen adoptions go sour. What did I have that those other dads didn't? What if the whole thing turned out to be a disaster? What if Monica Carolina didn't like her dad? What if . . . (fill in the blanks)?

REASONS NOT TO BE SCARED

Enough of Peace!

I believe marriage--and life--are meant to be fruitful. In the "old days," human/conjugal fruitfulness had a primarily physical meaning. "Increase and multiply," etc. By the time of our adoption, my understanding of fruitfulness had come to include all sorts of openness and sharing. This personal development left the peaceful sanctuary of my home and life with Esther undisturbed. I never thought I'd ever want that peace broken. As the saying goes: "Never say never." I discovered that I was ready to let Monica Carolina take her place in my/our lives. How did I account for this change in myself? Call it evolution . . . call it love. I was still scared, but more eager for this new part of my life to begin.

Older, Yes, But Wiser Too

Being a late bloomer may give me an edge. What I lack in energy I make up for in life experience. Over the years, I've worked through a lot of my inner "stuff." Monica Carolina was coming into a pretty mellow atmosphere. She could do her growing up without having to compete with her mom's and dad's own growing up processes.

Welcome home, Monica Carolina . . . Like Me or Not

I had spent a lot of my life preaching "unconditional" love--the kind that loves no matter what. I dabbled in it during my earlier life/career. Marriage brought me closer to its fiery core. I suspected parenthood would be the final lesson--and test. In the days before our journey to Central America, I carried on conversations with our new daughter. They went something like this: "Monica Carolina, I accept you into my life as the fruit of my love for your mother. I accept you 'for better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health.' No 30-day, no-obligation trial period requested or granted here. May the days that separate us fly by. And may the rest of our lives flow along at glacial speed."

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Alfred J. Garrotto lives in the San Francisco Bay Area with his wife and two daughters who are now in their late teens. His novel, Finding Isabella (Genesis Press, 2000) is the story of an adoptee who returns to her native country in search of her birth mother.

Copyright ( c ) 2001 by Alfred J. Garrotto
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For permission to reprint this article, contact Mr. Garrotto at alg.blsinc.com.