It's not easy being Connor; it's not easy being bipolar. Behind every smile there is turmoil of one kind or other. We don't really know. He doesn't share his real emotions with us or with his therapist. In truth, he's probably not in touch with them, himself. If only I could change places with him for a day so that I could understand better, be better equipped to help him, to help him to help himself.
The past few months have been rough. It's constantly walking on egg shells. We never know what will upset the balance, set him off, send him into a manic tailspin or into the depths of depression and bouts of vocal self-loathing. Nothing is ever right, never what he wants. He lashes out at all of us for no reason, and then verbally flagellates himself. In the days since school was out he has been floundering, at a loss. He is bored and nothing we do or suggest seems to engage him for long. In the last month or so of school he was hanging on by a thread, emotionally. He was constantly on edge, teetering on the edge of control.
I'm losing patience more than I should, I know. I'm at a loss as to how to help him right now. Not to mention the fact that his brother needs attention and is acting out more in order to get it. Said brother's impulse control is slipping and his aggression level is rising. Sam is more combative and needs attention. Connor's issues tend to suck the air out of our lives, leaving little time for Sam. That's not right.
Having one bipolar child in a family presents difficult challenges. Having 2 is daunting. Connor's anxiety and Sam's ADHD are constantly at odds with each other. Connor's inadequacies as they relate to Sam's strengths sink Connor further into depression. The more Sam shines or excels the more Connor slips into his own world of fantasy. I can see the resentment and sadness taking root in his psyche.
Sam has every right to shine in his own right. His problems are so different from his brother's. About the only thing that slows him down is the latest trip to the ER, the latest break or staple or bloody appendage! He usually masters most any thing he tries or sets his mind to. A part of Connor would give most anything to be like his brother. He used to try. Now, when Sam masters some new feat, I can see the look of resignation in Connor's eyes.
My heart aches for the most fragile of my boys. I am afraid for his future. Times like these I don't even know how to help him. Today, my heart is heavy. The summer is not quite a week old here... it could be long and stormy.
