Letter to Ned House from Mark Twain, January 15, 1884.

Dear Ned,
…I couldn't be more pleased. That great southern writer, George Washington Cable will be residing with us for a few days while he is passing through Hartford on his speaking tour. It will be so pleasant to have such stimulating and intellectual company for a few days.…
Sam


Letter to Ned House from Mark Twain, February 15, 1884.

Dear Ned,
…It has been three weeks now since Cable has arrived and I tell you the man is starting to wear on me. The man is a fanatic about cleanliness. He follows after the servants cleaning and dusting. Last night, I caught him in the billiard room washing down the billiard balls. "What are you doing?" I asked.
"Oh, just cleaning the cigar smoke scum off the balls, They were getting grimy." He follows me like a bloodhound cleaning up after my ashtrays. I tell you the man is driving us crazy! My wife, Livy, says to be patient and extend our Christian charity to him. "He must be just lonely," she says.…
Sam


Letter to Ned House from Mark Twain, March 1, 1884.

Dear Ned,
…Cable is really getting to me. The other night we were all awakened by the dogs barking and howling. It turns out his damn allergies got acting up and his wheezing, hacking, and honking set off the dogs. Soon the whole neighborhood was calling us on that damn phone asking if we were all right. The man's an embarrassment, I tell you. Odysseus had an easier time getting rid of the suitors than I have of getting rid of that man.…
Sam


Letter from Livy Clemens to Alice Hooker, March 15, 1884.

Dear Alice,
…I am so worried about Sam these days. Ever since Mr. Cable came to visit, he has been out of sorts. He has even installed a dartboard with Mr. Cable's picture on it in the billiard room. The other night we were sitting on the porch after dinner and Mr. Cable commented on how much he was enjoying his visit with us. He thought he would extend his visit. Sam gripped the arms of his rocker and his face became splotchy with red and pink marks. I had to place my hand on his arm to calm him down.…
Your Friend,
Livy


Letter from George Griffin (Clemens' butler) to his friend Charlie, March 29, 1884.

Dear Charlie,
…I also got to tell you that I'm in big trouble with Mr. Clemens. He asks this morning why I hadn't delivered that package for him. I told him I couldn't cause Mister Cable asked me to clean up after pidgins.
"What pidgins?" he yelled.
I told him a big flock of about 30 or 40 pidgins were nesting under the porch roof outside Mister Cable's window clucking and cooing all day and nite. I declare I never saw Mr. Clemens get so mad. "What're you talking about?" he exploded.
"Why there's been a giant flock of pidgins under the porch roofs messin up the porch right under Mister Cable's window and Mister Cable asked me to clean it up."
I almost do think Mister Clemens done gone and have a stroke. He got all red splotches on his face and he stomped to the porch. There was more pidgin messings and Mister Clemens done almost slipped and fell on it. "Where the pidgins come from?" he shouted.
"Why they come from Mister Cable's breakfast sir," I told him.
"Why what do you mean?"
"Well, ya know how Mister Cable always has breakfast in bed? He done goes and trims the crust off his toast and throws it to the pidgins, Mister Cable says no polite southern gentlmen ever eats crust. He says that polite gentlemen trim off crust."
Next thing I know Mr. Clemens grabs his hair with both hands and tears into the house screamin, "Livyyee!"…
George


Letter to Ned House from Mark Twain, April 30, 1884.

Dear Ned,
…I am so excited! I have finally figured out how to drive Cable out. Hee! Hee! Hee! I sent George to the store for five pounds of catnip. Today when Cable is out I will spread the catnip under his sheets and open his door after he's asleep. The cats will come in and jump all over his bed hopefully triggering off his allergies. This should work! I can't wait….
Sam


Letter to Susan Macinyre from Katie Leary, the Clemens' housemaid, May 1, 1884.

Dear Susie,
…Last night Mr. Clemens became very angry with me. It turns out that he had placed several pounds of catnip in Mr. Cable's bed to rid the house of him. I did not know that. When Mr. Cable asked me for his daily change of sheets I switched them with Mr. Clemens' sheets because I didn't have time to wash and iron them due to the Clemens' dinner party that evening. The first I knew about the catnip was when Mr. Clemens called me to his room to chase out the cats. The next morning the cats followed him around the house all day. He had to leave the house to get away from them, but it didn't help. The neighborhood strays followed him.…
Your Friend,
Katie


Letter to Ned House from Mark Twain, May 11, 1884.

Dear Ned,
He's back!!! Just when we thought he was going to leave, he gets sick with the mumps and has to stay longer. Bad enough that he gives the whole house including Livy and the servants the mumps, he has the gall to stick us with his doctor bills. He eats us out of house and home. The Cyclops devoured only half as much mutton as him. It's been two weeks since he's come down with them.…
Sam


Letter to Ned House from Mark Twain, July 29, 1884.

Dear Ned,
…I finally have the foolproof plan to get rid of Cable. This will work! It had better work. It's too late to back out now. I have already invested money in the scheme. I suggested to Cable that the two of us go on a lecture tour. Then I suggested to Howells and Aldrich that the three of us go on a lecture tour. Cable thinks the tour will only be the two of us. Howells and Aldrich think the tour will only be the three of us. Then when Howells and Aldrich agree, I will drop out and substitute Cable in my place. The success of the plan depends on Howells and Aldrich joining the tour. I mustn't let them know that Cable is coming or they will back out. They must think it's only the three of us. They can't stand the little idiot either..…
Sam


Letter from Patrick McAleer, the Clemens' coachman, to Sean McConaughy, August 15, 1884.

Dear Sean,
…I almost got fired yesterday. It seems that I was taking Mr. Howells, Mr. Aldrich and Mr. Clemens to the Hartford Club for lunch. They were going to talk about the upcoming tour. As they were mounting the carriage, I asked if we should wait for Mr. Cable as he was going on the trip too. Mr. Aldrich and Mr. Howells looked at each other with a horrified expression.
"Cable's coming?" asked Mr. Aldrich. His voice was low, warning -like.
"On a 10,000 mile tour lasting over 100 nights?" asked Mr. Howells. His face reflected the visage of one who has seen his worst nightmare come true .
"With Cable?" asked Mr. Aldrich shocked.
Mr. Clemens glared at me. He coughed, hemmed, and hawed and acted as if he hadn't heard them. Then he tried to change the subject. It was a quiet, tense trip all the way to lunch.…
Sincerely,
Patrick


Letter from Wm. Deans Howells to Sam Clemens, August 16, 1884.

My dear Sam,
…I regret to tell you that I will be unable to accompany you on the lecture tour. An unfortunate family circumstance has risen which requires my presence out of town.…
Sincerely,
Wm. Dean Howells


Letter form Thomas Aldrich to San Clemens, August 16, 1884

My Dear Sam,
…A matter of extreme urgency has come up and time does not permit me to come on the lecture tour.…
Your Friend,
Thomas Aldrich


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Letter from George Washington Cable in St. Louis to his wife, Louise, November 7, 1884.

Louise Dear,
…This man is not exactly one of the three wise men. It's bad enough we have to share a hotel room to save money, Twain smokes all night, Makes me cough and wheeze. Triggers off my allergies. Makes me honk and sneeze and my nose run. His damn cigars are making me nuts! He starts one and puts it in the ashtray and forgets it's there. While the damn thing in the tray is still smoking, he starts another one; now I have twice the smoke to deal with. Twain's voice rasps on my nerves like a braying ass.…
Love, George


Letter from Mark Twain to his wife Livy, November 7, 1884.

Livy Dear,
…We have been gone for only two days and already this man is driving me crazy! I don't think I can take it much more! He paces all night. Honking, coughing, and wheezing. Claims it's his allergies. He has more allergies than a leopard has spots. I have to smoke more cigars so I can sleep. I no sooner put down a cigar in the ashtray, he empties it. Yesterday, he threw out eleven cigars. They hadn't been used, only a half. I can't wait to get this little flea out of my fur.
I can't stand it any more! It's bad enough he stays up half the night washing his hair and waxing his moustache. It's bad enough he follows the maid around the room cleaning up after her. He leaves little notes on my pillow to pick up after myself.
When it's his turn to pay for the dinner he orders the cheapest thing on the menu for me and nothing for himself, and when it's my turn to pay he orders the most expensive item on the menu.
We had dinner with the mayor last night. He started wheezing and honking because the mayor had a lot of cologne on. He sends his sandwich back to have the crust cut off.
He can't even lecture right. His lectures would fatigue a corpse. I must find away to curtail Cable. He attracts only 1/16 of the audience but takes up 2/3 the time. His voice sounds like food scrapped from a plate, the hiss of a broom on wet cement. I have to keep changing the order of the program. When I put him first, half the audience walks out before I get a chance to talk. If I put him after me, they all leave when he comes on. They demand their money back because they couldn't stand to stay for the full two hours of the program
It's going to be a long trip.…
Love Mark