Good question.  Before I answer the question, let me say that I named my first book Dating Sucks—But It Doesn’t Have To because I thought it was “catchy” and would grab your attention.  It’s such a common phrase: “Dating sucks.”  I want anyone interested in my book to know that I can identify with them about how discouraging dating can be; but at the same time, I want everyone to know there is hope.  I will rename the book for the second edition for two reasons:

1. Because it’s not a book that complains and whines about dating
   
2. Because there is no guarantee that it won’t be discouraging at times

So, to answer the question, dating doesn’t have to suck if:

• Both parties are being mature about it
  
• You look at your own life & journey
  
• You learn from it
  

Both of You Act Properly

I believe that if people read my book and took it to heart, we would relieve a lot of angst.  If people treated each other with more respect, were more courteous, communicated better, and knew what they were looking for, the whole feeling of “dating sucks” would be less prevalent.  I think the overall process of dating would not hurt so much if everyone was more mature about the way in which they dated.

Yeah, it’s a tall order to think everyone driving along the Dating Highway will buy my book at a rest stop, read it, and change their driving habits.  It is unrealistic to think my book has all the answers.  However, it is totally realistic that a lot of the “suckiness” of dating stems from the way we treat each other.

Take a Look at Your Life

You have to take a step back once in a while and look at your life as a whole (or at least the last couple of years).  Sometimes, when we look at our life from the proverbial bird’s eye view—the 10,000 foot view—we can see patterns.  Sometimes, we can see patterns in our behavior and the results of those behaviors.  Other times, it’s our changing career and how those changes are affecting us.  Still other times, it is the pattern of our reaction to changes in our life, whether it is changes to our family relationships or friends or lifestyle.  Depending on what you see from 10,000 feet, you can sometimes make sense of what’s going on and change your perspective.

For example, Tom is discouraged about his recent failures in dating and says to anyone who’s in earshot, “Dating sucks!”  A friend of his says, “Why does it suck?  Maybe it has something to do with you.”  Tom begins to think.  He mulls the situation over.  He looks at his life and realizes that the recent changes in the last six months have affected him.  He moved to a different town, has not made new friends at the new location, and finds a couple of his neighbors annoying.  Around the same time, he started a new job where, although he enjoys the actual work, he does not feel like he “fits in” with his co-workers.

All this insecurity is taking its toll on Tom and he’s looking for something—actually, someone—to make him feel better.  Once Tom realizes this, he can see where his insecurities are coming out and figures that the last several dates have picked up on those insecurities.  If Tom learns to deal with the situations, he will not exude a feeling of panic and a desperation to be loved and accepted.  Confidence goes a long way, both in how others perceive you and in how you feel about yourself.

Learn From It

If you can take away some new insights about yourself, life, and love after each dating encounter or relationship—no matter how long or short it lasted—it is never a total loss.

Don’t get down about yourself if everything isn’t happening the way you planned.  Don’t feel sorry for yourself if you’re not getting what you want.  The best way to fight discouragement is to find the good in your life.  “Every cloud has a silver lining” is not a stupid, pithy, archaic saying.  Yes, it is completely natural and understandable to feel discouraged on occasion; however, don’t dwell in the Pit of Despair.  Every one of us has the opportunity to choose whether we’re going to learn from our mistakes or we’re going to sit and sulk.  Every relationship, every situation, every event in our lives is an opportunity to become stronger, wiser, and more mature.  Choose wisely.

Don’t ferment in jealousy because you feel everyone else around seems to be in a good relationship or doesn’t have trouble dating or is just plain happy.  The best way to fight jealousy is to count your blessings.  Find the things in your life for which you can be grateful.  The stew of jealousy, resentment, and anger is a recipe of disaster.  If you feast on that stew, you will become a bitter individual who will never enjoy anyone’s company because they won’t want to be around you.  Therefore, begin with the simplest and most obvious things in your life for which you can be grateful and don’t stop.  The more you look, the more you’ll find; the more you find, the more the weight is lifted off your shoulders and the better you’ll feel.

Dating is not easy; otherwise, “dating sucks” would not be a common phrase in our societal vocabulary.  No one promised that life would be simple.  Disappointments will happen—it’s part of Life.  Whether you walk around with a black cloud over your head or people see the sunshine in your face is up to you.  Don’t dwell on the disappointments; doing so will only bring you down.

The difference between feeling disappointed and being disappointed is the choice me make on how long we let the disappointment last.

 © 2008 by J.C. Callahan