A friend of mine told me a beautiful story of appreciation. After attending a funeral, she paraphrased the heartwarming eulogy delivered by a male friend. Her words gave me a new perspective on expressing gratitude. The eulogy said in part:
“I see a woman here today named Carol who I haven’t seen since I was a child.
I grew up in a very unloving home. The thought of becoming an adult frightened me, because I didn’t look forward to the day when I would have to become mean too.
“I eagerly anticipated the evenings when my parents would go out and have Carol baby-sit. She was so kind. Each time she stayed with me, we played!
When she tucked me into bed, she read a story, gave me a kiss, and a hug, and said goodnight. She changed my life. When I was five years old, I realized that not all adults were mean. I decided that when I grew up - I wanted to be just like Carol!
“Every so often, people can literally change the course of our lives and they never even know it. Sometimes we don’t have the opportunity to tell them; now and then we aren’t aware of the impact at the moment; and other times we just don’t risk the vulnerability to share. I’m grateful to have the chance to tell you Carol that your simple gestures of love helped me pave a new way of life. Thank you!”
Appreciation is different from gratitude. My gratitude journal is filled with all that for which I am grateful, but in order to appreciate, I must be in relationship.
For instance: I am grateful for sunsets, but I appreciate a sunset when I actually sit and watch the sun go down. I am grateful for my Aunt, but I appreciate her when I tell her how thankful I am for her, because she is the only family member who didn’t abandon me when I became estranged from my entire family of origin.
I often tell others, or write in my journal that I am grateful for my children, my aunt, or my friends, but a light bulb moment happened when I realized that I should tell them.
I told my friend Nina how grateful I was that she changed my life. She was the first person willing to simply listen to and "bear witness" to my abuse. I conveyed to my children how thankful I was for their understanding during the times that they had to cope with the effects of being the children of a survivor. I expressed to my gentleman friend my gratitude for his support during the times when I wasn’t able to be fully present in the relationship.
Think of those who have changed your life. It can feel risky expressing our appreciation. Even so, our vulnerability connects us in a lasting, and loving bond.
