The Ten UnCommandments of CorporateSpeak™
CorporateSpeak™: An Introduction
There are 5,000 distinct human dialects on this planet. (And this does not include COBOL, ADA or C++, or any of the various ‘pidgin’ strains that flourish in the vicinity of Tech Square in Cambridge or off ‘The 101’ in Silicon Valley.) Each of these dialects follow distinct rules that have nothing whatever to do with syntax, semantics, and the like. Rather these could better be viewed as rules of engagement. For with CorporateSpeak, like everything else on the corporate battlefield, any weakness that you unwittingly expose will be swiftly exploited by your competition (be they across the hall or around the globe) if you ignore, avoid (or eschew) them.
UnCommandment Number 1: Never Admit the Existence of CorporateSpeak.
Granted not every manager strives to be perceived as educated, or even intelligent. In some circles it's actually countercultural to be viewed as such. However, in today's global marketplace, you may not want to present yourself as if English were your second language when your competitor from The Continent, or Subcontinent, or South Miami for that matter, might easily best you in your native tongue.
And this is where the Ten UnCommandments, comes in. Helping the brilliant corporate strategist, the clever marketing tactician, the productive product manager, the inscrutable yet inventive engineer, the finance meister ... in short, all those masters of all they survey ... communicate their purposeful, even, lofty visions in simple, elegant, even intelligible, CorporateSpeak.
UnCommandment Number 2: Use CorporateSpeak to Successfully Enhance the Transport of Ideas from One Cranium to Another, AKA the ‘Vision Thing’.
Of course, mastering the Vision Thing is neither a prerequisite for entrance nor readily available in most business schools. There it is widely assumed that you picked it up at the commencement ceremony along with your baccalaureate degree. Of course, this knowledge was not readily available in college either, since it was widely assumed that it was delivered unto you along with your high school diploma, the week after the Senior Prom. Of course, this knowledge was not readily available in high school, since ... well, you get the idea.
UnCommandment Number 3: Never Assume Competence Simply Because the Resume Was Correctly Run Through Spell-Check.
More to the point -- you can't acquire this knowledge through a skillful (if mind-numbing) reading of, say, the In search of Excellence, Crossing the Chasm, or even the Chicago Manual of Style. It's much more subtle than that, though it is largely a matter of executive presence or style.
Of course, one of the many benefits of a classical (if politically incorrect) education is the ability to express complex ideas in a meaningful yet simple manner. Even in expository CorporateSpeak, i.e., the written form of the spoken language.
UnCommandment Number 4: Never Use Latinisms, e.g., i.e., When English Will Suffice (Unless, of Course, Their Use Will Confuse Your Competition).
By the way i.e. is Latin for id est, which means simply it is, while e.g., is Latin for exempli gratia which means by way of example.
Think in English and the phrases will automatically sort themselves out. Also, remember that i.e. refers to a definitive list, while e.g. refers to a finite example of a much larger list.
A word on simplicity. Actually three words on simplicity. Less is more. (This is not to be confused with the More is More Principle™, which we examine at a later time.)
UnCommandment Number 5: The More Complex the Ideas, the Simpler the Style.
The greatest ideas are invariably conveyed in the simplest, most precise, most elegant manner. Complex structures are ultimately built of simple building blocks, right? The world consists of air, earth, fire, and water, right? That how Aristotle saw it. Or 100 or so elements, such as krypton, yttrium, and the like. That how Einstein saw it, and we currently see it. This leads to our next UnCommandment.
UnCommandment Number 6: Non Multiplicanda Entia Sine Necessitate
UnCommandment Number 6A: When Tempted to Use Clever Latin Phrases Refer to UnCommandment Number 4.
This phrase, known as Occam's Razor, is actually the basis of civilization as we know it, since it's actually the basis of the scientific method. William of Occam (1285 -1349), known in his time as the Invincible Doctor, was one of the first to maintain that reason and logic were insufficient without empirical evidence. He saw that in logic, it is best to avoid unnecessary complications. In fact, the simplest, most elegant explanation, is usually the best one. You can translate the phrase as DO NOT MULTIPLY THINGS BEYOND NECESSITY.
He and Duns Scotus were among the most prominent intellects of the High Middle Ages. They and their fellow Scholastics were famous for arguing about how many angels could dance on the head of a pin. Today these arguments are held in derision -- actually they were elegant discourses on the nature of infinity. Duns Scotus -- the Copernicus, the Isaac Newton, the Einstein, the Stephen Hawkings of his day -- is now remembered mostly for his hat, which we now call the dunce cap, a symbol of idiocy.
The moral: Sic Transit Gloria Mundi! (Please refer to UnCommandments Number 1, 4 and 6A.)
SPIN
Today we face the problem of spin.
Spin is a rather curious word. Heads spin. Tops spin. Even the Earth spins (rather than rotates). But when we speak of spin, of course, we are not referring to the intrinsic angular momentum of a subatomic particle but rather to an unbridled (and often unsubtle) attempt to shade, sway, or swing public opinion.
Spin vs. Hype
Spin is not precisely the same thing as hype (see hyperbole < Latin hyperbole < Greek huperballein, "to throw ballein" ) but that's as good a place as any to start when addressing this rather arcane subject.
A conspiracy is afoot. Somehow in every college across the land, in every PR101, Poly Sci and Econ curriculum, unbeknownst to the unsuspecting professors, a module is snuck in by the California Olive Growers Association. This module concerns long windedness, run-on sentences, inflated diction -- in short, hyperbole or hype.
Why the California Olive Growers Association? They're the folks who devised the official measurement system for differentiating olives by size ... that just so happen to start at large and go on up from there:
large
extra large
jumbo
colossal
super colossal
If you've ever seen the likes of a super colossal olive, you begin to understand the nature of hype. (Come to think of it, this terminology could have come in quite handy for in the Estate Tax debate. Surely, one more congressman, or one more senator, would have been swayed by the adroit utilization of the words super colossal! )
Notice I used the word utilize when a simple use would do. This is key to the proactive utilization of hype. According to the established rules of hype, you must convolute your communications by using utilize instead of using use. orenable when lets would actually make more sense. This is the little stated but often practiced "More is More" Principle. I claim this as my own.
Years ago when I was working on a Japanese computer workstation (an ideographic word processor to be precise), I learned that there are only 40,000 commonly used Kanji ideograms or "words" in Japanese. Now you can't just type an ideogram, you must construct them from a keyboard of some 200 keys. A good typist can produce a dozen or so ideograms per minute as compared to more than 100 with English.
The Japanese solved the problem by creating an animal called the Japanese Industrial Interchange Code (JIIC). This limited most business and government correspondence to some 2,000 ideograms.
In English we have the opposite problem. English is not limited to 40,000 or even 400,000 words. Most estimates range closer to three quarters of a million words, excluding scientific and technical jargon. And we still insist on utilizing utilize rather than use!
Dead Languages
A nifty, if morbid, aspect of the English language is the fact that it primarily consists of three dead languages -- Greek, Latin, and the Anglo-Saxon tongues, each of which lends its particular or peculiar words to everyday speech. This means the adroit executive always has at least three choices for any idea that can impact the bottom line.
For example, to describe a center of human habitation, you can use the Latin city, the Middle English town, or the Greek metropolis., among many others. This precision of the English is a distinct advantage to the precise communication of complex ideas. This is one reason why English is now the lingua franca!?, the universal language of business, science, and technology.
UnCommandment Number 7: To assume that dead languages are dead is a grave and dangerous mistake (see below).
We can all recognize certain hallmarks of effective executive communication. We know it when we see (or hear) it. Unfortunately, we've also witnessed the affects (or is it effects?) of defective executive communication. To see a senior executive stumble badly in front of his or her peers is not a pretty sight, especially if the said executive is the only one in the room unaware of the misstep.
What are the basic criteria for avoiding these missteps? Well, the first criterion is .... Did you catch that? (Warning: This is a test. I know you didn't read this article expecting t be tested, but such is the nature of the evermore competitive global marketplace where everything you do is a test with the bottom line your ultimate scorecard.)
The Two-minute Dead Language Drill®
Among the many indispensable tools for senior executives along with their BCG charts, P-E ratios, and the like, should be the Two-minute Dead Language Drill. The Two-minute Dead Language Drill will save senior executives countless embarrassments, years of home study, and teach them a trick or two that they'll never find in the Harvard Business Review.
Let's start by filling in the blanks. Remember you have two minutes only.
Now begin.
Singular Plural
Alumnus ___________
Curriculum ___________
___________ Criteria
___________ Data
___________ Kudos
Thesis ___________
Syllabus ___________
And for didactic purposes only ....
Hippopotamus ___________
Rhinoceros ___________
The correct answers are found below.
Singular Plural
Alumnus Alumni or Alumnae (for the politically correct)
Curriculum Curricula
Criterion Criteria
Datum Data (it
can be a collective noun)
Kudos Kudos (it's the same
in singular and plural)
Thesis Theses
Syllabus Syllabi (it's easier to
remember study guide)
And for the advanced students ....
Hippopotamus Hippopotami (just use
hippos!)
Rhinoceros Rhinoceroi (ditto for
rhinos!)
It all goes back to the Latin and Greek. Just like alumnus, alumni, and alumnae (masculine singular, masculine plural, and feminine plural). Even English can be tricky, such as ox and oxen. But in English these are exceptions, and besides how many times does the word oxen come up in executive speech? (Apologies to our friends in agribusiness.)
If you still find it confusing, you might decide to study Reader's Digest, Latin, or even English. Or you might opt for sportscaster jargon. (See Below.)
Basically, it's important to remember that both Latin and Greek are inflected languages. What this means is that the form of a word tells you whether the word is singular or plural, masculine, feminine, or neuter. But that's the subject of another column.
Gender, The Politically Correct Use Thereof
Classical languages employ the concept of gender. In Post-Modern America, this is considered a reactionary tendency; it's considered mandatory (excuse me, persondatory or perdaughteratory) to remove all references to gender from civilized communication. (And, yes, there is an elegant and correct, though not the Politically Correct way to do this.) The Greeks and Romans, however, had no such qualms. Every thing was imbued with gender, whether masculine, feminine, or neuter. A ship was female, a rock male, and a datum neuter.
UnCommandment Number 8: The Link Between Gender and Object is Not Always Intuitively Obvious.
Dead-language gender is not usually a high priority agenda item for many fast-track executives. It should be. It can be the cause of much embarrassment.
Sportscasters are aware of this trap. Here's an assignment. To better your dead language skills spend an afternoon this fall watching, studying an NFL football telecast. Listen carefully as the announcers introduce the various players and coaches. Listen as they describe former students, even graduates of these prestigious halls of academe. They use a single word description, alum. An alum is not some sort of non-ferrous oxide. An alum is a human being.
If you follow this line of thinking, you'll no longer have to worry about those messy word endings. If Frank Gifford can transform alumni into alums in front of millions (and sound almost erudite!) why can't you just as deftly transform curricula into currics and criteria into criters?
UnCommandment Number 9: Marks of Distinction are Words that Reveal Something About Yourself Irregardless of Your Intent
Just as certain, subtle marks of distinction exist that reveal a fine, discerning mind at work. There are certain words that scream incompetence. A wink, a scowl, a smile, or nod serve to hide grammatical errors that lie in the glare of plain sight on the written page. A few examples:
What You Said What You Meant to Say
ground zero square one
flounder founder
carved in stone chiseled in stone
• Ground zero happens to be the precise target of a nuclear attack (and after the events of September 11, 2001, a sacred place in New York City and American memory).
• Square one is the first square on a board game such as Monopoly.
• Usually, when one refers to "going back to square one" this means starting the game, or project, over, -- and not digging oneself out of a mile-deep crater in a radiation suit.
• A ship of state founders upon a rocky shore line, while a flounder flops about like a fish out of water.
• The Ten Commandments were chiseled into stone, not carved into wood, etched into metal, or set in concrete.
Sometimes it's not imagery, but merely word choice that implies sloppy thinking.
What You Said What You Meant to Say
irregardless regardless
Infer imply
affect effect
complimentary complementary
between you and I between you and me
if I was if I were
By way of explanation ....
• Irregardless is not a word (irregardless of what your colleagues think).
• I infer from your implication (and you don't imply from my inference).
• A compliment is a compliment but a complement is free!
• Just between you and me, don't use between you and I.
• If I were in your position, I'd want to show the subtlety of my mind through my command of the subjunctive mood.
A Further Note on the Subjunctive Mood
If I were (not was) to quiz any one on your senior staff on the subjunctive mood, chances are they would think it to concern senior staff personality maladjustment. Suffice to say. (Not suffice it to say!)
A Note on Passive Voice
Passive voice is not a disease, however, it can be used for devious purposes.
UnCommandment Number 10: Passive Voice Should not be Used In Corporate Communications -- Unless the Intent is to Deceive, Slant, or Spin the Message.
Not meant as a criticism. The passive voice can be the basis of an excellent communications strategy.
