Lemme know if it rings yr bell. Get enuf rings, plan to expand on the, er, ah, theme. Good antidote to January. . .then comes February, sigh.
T h a n k s f o r
b e i n g h e r e. XOX Pea XOX

                                           This  is Your Lucky Day
                                                              by
                                               Euceless Liesalot
                                             Prevaricator-in-Chief
                                                      P  R  Us,  Inc.
                                                   711 Casino Row
                                                Atlantic City,   NJ  11711
               Headquarters in Farflung Isle,  Address futk&ustfout}
 
 
I am about to make you very happy.
 
No, my name is not Tiffany Roundheels or Taut Flosstrousers.  
 
No, I do not know how to twirl tassels with my tatas or raise a ten-inch-pole in ten seconds.
 
I am not an exotic dancer of either sex.   (Correction, any.}
 
I am not a hit person.  {I could learn to be a hit person if you make it worth my while.}
I am not here to inform you that you have won Big Bucks or           
          inherited Paris {One in France or the one in Playboy.}
I do not know how you can get skinny on a diet of Sara Lee and   Ben&Jerry supplemented  with {for Southerners} red-eye gravy and    
bisskits" or {for non-Southerners} salted  and greased whale blubber.
I am going to make you happy by letting you in on The Secrets of Life.   
You will find that it is worth far more than the modest price of $199.90 plus tax, shipping and handling, damage replacement insurance, and the $10 we add because we ain't gettin' younger and need bail.  You do not have to download anything.  You only have to send a  money order or certified check to the address listed at the bottom.   Make sure they are valid.  We would tell you what will happen if they are not, but we would have to kill you.   That would spoil the fun for our henchmen.  Just kidding.   I  know they are henchpeople.I am going to make you happy – make that ecstatic – by sharing absolutely FREE and without cost or fear of death  some of the finer samples from The Secrets of Life.   Prepare to be amazed.  You will also be astounded,  pleasantly surprised, flabbergasted, discombobulated,and knocked off your pins.
                
You do not need to thank me.  I am only doing what The Great Honcho in the Sky  wants.   His or Her command is my. . .whatever.  Let's get on with it, shall we? I have an appointment to get my nipples bleached, and it is almost time to remind the chauffeur to warm up the Rolls.
 
SECRETS  NUMBERS  ONE THROUGH TWELVE OR SO:
 
Those skinny twits with the six-pack abs and overblown pecs that you see on TV are cloned robots.  The exercise machines are Styro-foam.
 
The Cheery Chippers shilling for shopping channels are fed a special potion that de-grouches their vocal cords.  Bad witches, every one.
Donald Trump is about to be fired.   
Donald Trump is B-r-o-k-e.
Martha Stewart doesn't know how to boil water.
Martha Steward's hospital corners are crooked as an Enron jailee.
In her defense, Martha Stewart was set up to take a fall because she worked for a living.    
Cher has not had plastic surgery.   It wasn't necessary because she was born plastic.
 O. J. Simpson's worst crime was being O.J. Simpson.   He is now a bloated version  of  O.J. that goes from golf course to golf course and yacht to yacht searching  for The Real Killer.
Celery is bad for you.
The calories in chocolate have the opposite effect of regular calories.  The more  chocolate you eat, the more weight you lose.  Especially if sugar content is high.
Oprah Winfrey was born Calalilly Blondtress Beauregarde.  Heir to a  pigs'-knuckles fortune, she fell into bad company and was robbing Rodeo  Drive shops by the time she was thirty.   On the FBI's Most Wanted list,  she decided the best disguise would be to get herself colorized.    She used to have regular collagen injections, but she finally gave up trying to keep up with the girls she ran around the magnolia with before she went black.
                
TO   BE   CONTINUED         
 
WE'RE BACK!!   THIS TIME WE HAVE AN OFFER YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO REFUSE.
 
You don't understand.  You *will* accept our *offer.*   Believe me, you do not want my cousin Vinnie and Uncle Malarkey to pay you a visit.  Especially since the fluffer Vinnie's tied to – uh, I mean, wife. . .did a Hoffa.  Vanished, disappeared, flew the ol' cooperino.  According to sources my mout'piece assures me I do not have to reveal, Fluffy pranced off with the diamond mine  a n d the brothel.   Witness Protection ain' cheap, y'know.   Vinnie got so pissed, he traded his perfectly good arsenal for a weapon of mass destruction.  [Appears that they are commoner than we think.]  As for The Mick  (note that P. R. Us is Family-owned and -operated, and that we are multi-ethnic and multi-cultural and multi-national.  Think of other multis, that's us.   Been a lot of intermarrying.  Inter-everything, get my drift.  When you got your own jet you can hop on, not much of anywhere you can't go and anyone you can't do.  Generally stay away from countries with unfriendly extradition policies, otherwise the Pole's the limit.  
 
Reminds me, the head of Security if a Pole.   Name is Polskcipolsptxysa. . .oh, the hell with it.  Call him Pole.   Gets in a sour mood {loses on the nags, or Boy-toy dumps his ass},  Pole Dearest usually safe.
 
Wanna know more, show us the money.
 
Moolah, bread, Large, call it what you will.   Pay online now.  Just go to www.payordie.PRUs.biz.    Credit cards accepted?   Ya kidding.   Who you think invented'm?    
 
Duh.
 
Stiff us, prepare to become a stiff.
 
We are equal opportunity hirers, so if  Vinnie and Mick or The Pole ain't. . .are not. . .available, likely to find a Saddam Hussein lookalike in your livingroom.   Pol Pot or someone of that nature.
 
Live longer if you have satellite and one of those big-ass screens goes halfway around the room.
       
Got it??
 
Once would have said "Capice?"    Anti-defamation thugs, don' wanna mess with.
 
[Note to Editor:   Clean up the langwich.  Capice? }
 
TO BE CONTINUED  IF  YOU BECOME A MEMBER.   DUES JUST WENT UP,  SO CHECK THE SITE.   You will be glad you join.   You will be sorry if you don't.    HAVE A NICE DAY.  Euceless :)