Take a Break from the World of Gadgets by buying the Ultimate One

The Ultimate Gadget: Gidget



While not the keenest observer of the human condition, I've seen enough of what passes for gizmoronic efforts to make life easier to live to make me not want to buy a AAA alkaline battery for the rest of my life. We're not ruled by machines that buzz, but we sure seem to WANT to be. Nobody can remember an appointment; no one can remember a name, a date, an event, a historical fact, because we have relinquished those "tasks" to our computers and our communications with them. We don't set our agendas based on what matters; we set them based on ensuring they don't clash. And so we forget that at the very core of being a human being is the need for conflict, error, confusion, some fast-dancin', a pack of good excuses, a few coffee spills, some memory, and an appreciation for the unexpected.

I really, really hate being so organized... or what's worse, being EXPECTED to be organized, because the organizational tools are so readily available. Everytime I see someone on a cell phone in a place where just a few years ago, that person never would have dreamed of such a thing, I see a person who is trying to impress with his indispensability, but simply impressing me with his inability to think, act, dream on his own. I see a person who is either desperate for connection, EVERYWHERE, or has let something slip that could have been handled elsewhere, by others, or by himself had it not been for the convenience(?) of being able to do it when "nothing else" was going on. That, friend, is the rub: too many people define "waste of time" as time not spent doing a stock trade or yelling at someone or yelling at someone doing a stock trade. Have you ever sat by a lake, by the ocean, and strummed a guitar, just read a book, just stared out over the water? I see people on the beach, on their phones. Working their palm pilots, their laptops, their personal whatevers. What is the point? What is gained? And do they have ANY idea how much is lost?

Alright, then. All that said, I want a NEW device... a new GADGET. For starters, this gadget has to have a name, so I'm gonna call her "Gidget." Gidget will have everything, DO everything: communications, calendaring, web, research, mail, stock tickers, news, weather, calorie counters and half a million other things that I am going to have to learn to do without. {"But But", you say, "I thought you didn't WANT all those things...!!??"} I don't. Sure, she has it all. Sure, she does it all. (The best of them do). She's gotta, cuz I gotta get addicted to her. And ONLY her. But since her main job is to make me less reliant on gadgets, her most important feature will be this:

Gidget will strip me of my addiction to gadgets (and her) by employing operant conditioning -- rewarding me for my participation with surprisingly sensual substitutional stimuli -- until I am left, gadgetless, the kind of human being I was before the gadgets. Gidget will lose TWO functions every week: to get ONE back, I have to do two of the following: (1) spend quality, gadget-less time with my wife, my kids; (2) read. Anything but a friggin gadget manual or another MLM scheme; (3) pick up a seashell; (4) write a letter. In ink. Reaquaint myself with STAMPS. Mail it; (5) bake cookies.

There will be lots of others. A shocking number of things we neglect to do, because they don't involve talking into something or punching a key or using a joystick. I get that one function back, if I want it... but a week later, another two will be taken. And I will not know WHICH are going away. I'm going to have to COPE. Daresay, I might have to actually PLAN. Or I might have to let someone else do THEIR job. Or they might have to let me do MINE. I will cut myself off from the single-minded desire to have my finger on any pulse but my own. And I warrant, after Gidget has had her last say, when she's turned into a sliderule, or "solid state am radio", that pulse will be steady, assured, confident, healthier, and a reminder that my life is precious, singular, and mine to enjoy and screw up in a buzz-free, meaningful way. All by myself. Batteries not.………... needed.