They're right here. Almost the Best.

The Almost-Greatest Marketing Secrets of All Time

The term “internet” wasn’t officially adopted until 1995. That doesn’t mean there was no internet before that---just that nobody really knew what to call it. If you’re a Florida Marlins fan, you know what I’m talking about. I mean, is THAT “baseball”?!

One of the great advantages of being self-employed and not worrying about the long-term consequences making no money is that I get more than my share of online opportunities for…..well, opportunities. After all, I am ALL of the following. And at the same time, I might add:

1. the RIGHT person for this exciting new program, Bill. Bob. Whatever;
2. So much in debt and being dunned with so many bills that I’m being picketed by environmentalists as a deforestation agent;
3. Such a great credit risk people will give me $100,000 or MORE, NO QUESTIONS ASKED. Or not many, anyway;
4. IGNORING thousands of dollars in commissions I could have had if I had only acted sooner;
5. Willing to spend a few hundred dollars to be told stuff other people had to pay thousands to hear, and THEY had to go to seminars, which as we all know NOBODY pays attention to because EVERYONE just wanted a couple of days out of the office and a chance to get drunk in the big city without having to breathe it all over the wife. Or husband.

Now, the possibilities are marvelous. But what REALLY impresses me is the promotion. Online marketers all act like a bunch of crystal-meth crazed 28 year olds trying to do everybody a favor because they are SO full of knowledge and already SO rich that they can’t THINK of what to do with their money SINCE they’ve already bought the yacht, put money down for the future facelift(s), and have a PDA to remember their children’s names. Frankly, I can’t take that much energy outside of a domestic squabble over somebody’s motherinlaw who, not coincidentally, happens to be somebody else’s mother. And for chrissakes, stop SMILING all the time. Just once, take a picture while you’re doing something normal, like passing gas. God knows your readership does enough of that.

I’d love to say I culled the following examples of this caffeine-driven love fest from thousands I looked at, but the reality is I spent all of 5 minutes just reading thru today’s mail, and following a couple of links. By my own count, if I had spent $2, 458.99 today, I would have been a millionaire by 2 in the afternoon. Screwed up again. Just remember: these are ACTUAL sentences in ACTUAL promotions ACTUALLY trying to convince people to invest money in another can’t-miss program.

You could be making big bucks reselling The Power Promotional Marketing Members Site
“Big” is a relative term. “Could” is a pretty snazzy qualifier on its own, even outside the fact it just as easily means “could NOT.” “Reselling” sounds like you’re buying the Power Promotional Marketing Members Site wholesale. Wrong hole.
“The Hardcore and Uncensored, Top-Secret, Most Intense Brainstorming Session of Arguably the Most Elite and Ultra-Successful Internet Marketers”
This one is a classic: hints at the darkside of sexuality, employment of multiple, ultimate adjectives, just a touch of objectivity (just so you know they’re not EXAGGERATING), use lots of caps…..and all, all unattributed, but looking like it came from someone who’d KNOW.
"I have spent tens of thousands of dollars buying information on making a profit on the internet. Nowhere have I found anything remotely approaching what you've accomplished. To me, genius is a quality that takes the complex and makes it simple. In my books, Yanik, you're a genius."
John Harricharan, award-winning author of "When You Can Walk on Water, Take the Boat."www.powerpause.com
Leaving one to question whether Yanik is a genius in John’s books, INCLUDING “When You Can….” Or is John just using the pluralized colloquial, “books.” All valid critiques, I think, but at least the opening 8 words are funny, in a Rodney Dangerfield kind of way. Or Rodney King. And no offense, because after all I don’t know, but as a general principal I don’t trust the words “award-winning.” I don’t know anyone who hasn’t won one at SOMETHING.
Ted Cluba’s 6 Magic Internet Money-Making Principles - $19.95
As if by Magic---I barely avoided giving my credit-card information. Sorry, Ted.
How To Write A simple E-Book And Get Rich! - $22.50
This could well be my favorite of the lot. Sometimes the direct approach is just plain BETTER…! Certainly this dude will get richer than the one selling it for $21.50.
Cyberspace Secrets That Fatten You Bank Account - $17.00
Even if they DON’T improve you grammar.
Dirt-Cheap Internet Marketing Secrets! $21.95
Do they mean $21.95 is dirt-cheap? Do you have to pay more THAN the $21.95 (like, does that payment of $21.95 simply entitle you to learn about where you can get cheap marketing secrets? Presumably cheaper THAN $21.95…?)
M2S (Marketing 2 Success) is comprised of 2 well known internet entrepreneurs (Bud Thompson & Matt Reams) who have been marketing on the internet since 1995. That is a total of 12 years combined internet marketing experience! We have taken all our experiences, failures, triumphs, and knowledge and M2S is the product of our efforts.
First, I get itchy when people write copy where they switch from third person to first. Itchier still when 12 years is promoted as something special (specially when its 6 years apiece). Usually you have to have a slightly longer career before you can tell your life’s story of successes, failures, and final vindications. But, that’s the internet for ya. Your kid is still wetting the bed at 3, and you’re having a mid-life-career crisis.
And finally……for today:
At $179.95, The World’s Greatest Online Dating Secrets is expensive. However, the experts who produced it do charge hundreds of dollars an hour for their secrets. It’s expensive, because these experts are the best money can buy. But now, you’ll get the ultimate secrets from ALL SEVEN experts for a fraction of their regular fee. It’s all here in this powerful program.
I know this isn’t about making money (other than the guy hawking the Magnificent Seven) but finding that special someone. Once you find that special someone you won’t need money, which is good, because you won’t have any. How many dates do you think ALL SEVEN experts got online? I don’t know whether I want that answer to be A LOT or A COUPLE. But it’s probably the first, considering
“these experts are the best money can buy.”
I think I’ll pass.
Yeah. That too. Pretty picture, no?