Even if you live on bread alone.....this helps.

This is a special, somewhat holy place, a place spent reading and rereading the great works of fiction, including the National Review; staring at tiled floor and winning wars of great strategy; where self- analysis tries to answer the question why today went as badly as it did yesterday, and will tomorrow. Yes, the standard standard is sound, ergonomically and functionally. But doesn't an hour a day or more of your life, depending on which Chinese restaurant you went to, deserve better?

In designing a penultimate in posterior panache, I spent minutes in deep conversation with my male friends, and listened to my female ones. I was truly shocked to discover that there is no way to please both sexes. Or rather, no approach incorporating anything male that women would tolerate. Especially the bit about another woman. Going unisex was perceived as a step back by most ladies. So if you only have the budget for one little slice of heaven, take my advice and let it be hers. Otherwise you're just creating a big pie from hell.

I determined, first, to isolate the station. I see no reason why it need share space with other, lesser bathroom rabble. Nor why persons not concerned ought to become unwilling participants, or multi-sensed observers. A door, then, is essential. Lockable, sealed kind. A motel- sized ventilation system is also warranted.

Second, this is supposed to be a relaxing experience, so an easy- chair, replete with naugahyde® seating, seems fitting. The back must be adjustable; in fact, if one wants to put ones legs up, why not? It may not be the most physiologically accepted way to success, but after all, its YOUR bowels. (And you didn't think I'd remember...!) You filled them. Least we can do is let you incline them whichever way feels best. And swivel them, too. Bounce up and down a little. Enjoy yourself.

Color scheme is a user option: while I personally believe seating (and carpeting) is best done in some color that doesn't clash with the objectives (say... a rich, dark brown), this may be more a male thing, especially as the rest of the ideal masculine décor includes deep walnut cabinetry. Has to be a refrigerator, easy access to magazines, television, vcr/dvd players with selections matching possible moods (probably ought to avoid comedies) and bowls of chips, with or without salsa. Though salsa makes more sense to me here than anywhere else. Maybe a magazine stand. A modest-sized humidor would be a good thing, too. And maybe a second refrigerator. You shouldn't have to get up to use the sink. Sometimes you find out you're not as done as you thought you were.

The female variant includes tropical growth, fish, and a well-rounded book collection that, alas, will not include entries dealing with sewing, cooking, or pleasing your husband in THAT way. But remember, men, this (too) isn't about you. If a grumpy stumpy person enters, but a fully satisfied woman emerges, that's a GOOD thing. I think. It'll need music, mood lighting, flowers, batteries, a supply of chocolates, and dainty miniatures of the Venus de Milo and probably David. Some way to brew tea. I guess you have to include a bidet: I thought of a seat that by the push of a button slides over to portal #2 to take care of this, but extensive wiring around what is essentially a ceramic fountain doesn't seem prudent. Did I mention chocolates? So, as if you were surprised, the Ladies' Roomette* will need to be considerably bigger, more expensive, and have its own unfathomable attitude. You must never go in there, except to unplug a fixture.

Third, there must be rules: obviously men/women only signs are necessitated. But this is more than making people comfy: this is a significant change of life. Toilettiquette requires family members respect and abide by the principal that THIS is a mustdodo. I know it can get confusing: even though we're talking number two, all else is secondary. When that door closes, the only times it should reopen should be (1) when the party has been fully [un]satiated; (2) when there's a fire. (That reminds me: put in a smoke alarm system. Be careful with any gas detectors.); (3) cable went out.

Use of the facility should be freely, openly discussed, as common and acceptable dinner conversation as "hey, that reminds me... we're out of eggs." If you have daughters, it may be necessary to institute a calendaring system; for boys, a simple kitchen timer ought to suffice, but the old man gets to wind it up twice. And remember, this is not a "sick room." While it can accommodate the occasional overspirit, few of the room's niceties can be enjoyed pointed THAT way. Except maybe the cigars, and the salsa.

Hmm. Probably not the salsa.

*Finally, you will need a way to refer to it/them. "Bathroom" is now gloriously inaccurate; "toilet" or "commode" is beneath you; there's no bedding (in my model, anyway) so "boys/girls room" doesn't conjure up the correct image. "Roomette" has been used (see above). "Sink, privy, jakes; john, head...?" I think NOT.

My personal choice is "There." "I'm gonna spend some time here, then THERE." "THERE's where I want to be" "Have you been THERE before?" For the gender challenged, "Not There. THERE"... or "You go THERE. I go THERE." "I usually go THERE after dinner." "Put it THERE, pal." "THERE's got to be a way. Ah. THERE is! THERE it is...!" Cop asks you where you're going, you'll be proud to tell him: "Officer, I am going THERE. As FAST as I can."

Sorry, Dorothy. Listen up Em: THERE IS a place like home.