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The employees will be thrilled with these new policies because it's 'good to spread the wealth.' Those of you who have underachieved will finally get an opportunity; those of you who have worked hard and had success will feel more 'patriotic.'
Notice to All Employees
As of November 5, 2008, when President Obama is officially elected into office, our company will instill a few new policies which are in keeping with his new, inspiring issues of change and fairness:
1. All salespeople will be pooling their sales bonuses into a common pool that will be divided equally between all of you. This will serve to give those of you who are underachieving a 'fair shake.'
2. All low level workers will be pooling their wages, including overtime, into a common pool, dividing it equally amongst yourselves. This will help those who are 'too busy for overtime' to reap the rewards from those who have more spare time and can work extra hours.
3. All top management will now be referred to as 'the government.' We will not participate in this 'pooling' experience because the law doesn't apply to us.
4. The 'government' will give eloquent speeches to all employees every week, encouraging its workers to continue to work hard 'for the good of all.'
5. The employees will be thrilled with these new policies because it's 'good to spread the wealth.' Those of you who have underachieved will finally get an opportunity; those of you who have worked hard and had success will feel more 'patriotic.'
6. The last few people who were hired should clean out their desks. Don't feel bad though, because President Obama will give you free healthcare, free handouts, free oil for heating your home, free food stamps, and he'll let you stay in your home for as long as you want even if you can't pay your mortgage. If you appeal directly to our democratic congress, you might even get a free flat screen TV and a coupon for free haircuts (shouldn't all Americans be entitled to nice looking hair?) !!!
If for any reason you are not happy with the new policies, you may want to rethink your vote on November 4th
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1)As only a minority of corporations actually pay tax in the USA, in the interests of fairness, all corporate tax will be rescinded. In future. To make up the revenue, a fair tax will be imposed on those earning less than $250k per annum. Those earning above $250k per annum will enjoy continued tax breaks in the interests of our 'trickle down' philosophy that has worked so well.
2) In order to protect the value of the dollar, Iran and Venezuela will be invaded immediately. We all know that these evil people are selling their oil in any currency other than US dollars and that this is (or will be) illegal. We must protect our currency.
3) To support the invasions of Iran and Venezuela, we will have to introduce conscription. But only for families earning less than $250k. The rest will vanish to Canada anyway, so there's no point in making a fuss about it.
4) In continuance of George Bush's policy, we must expand military spending. However, this will require more borrowing, so we will be going cap in hand to China for another trillion dollars.
5) Sorry, but we'll have to nationalise the car industry just as we've been nationalising the banks. We still hate socialism though.
6) The problems with Wall street were caused by over-regulation. Therefore we are going to rescind all legislation governing financial transactions in the USA. So borrow now! Borrow big! The economy needs your debt.
7) Abortion is now illegal. Any woman who has been raped, even by her father will bring the child to term. This is God's will and you have no right to deny it. Severe penalties up to and including stoning apply.
8) The world is 6,000 years old. We're sick and tired of the lies of science, so science classes will only be permitted when held in conjunction with prayer meetings. This is balanced, we think.
9) Old Testament law ( a sort of Christian Sharia) will be introduced immediately. Homosexuals, rape victims, adulterers and people who don't like George Bush and/or Sara Palin will be stoned. There is no appeal.
10) Science funding will be cut. We need the bucks and anyway, the bible has all the answers - science is a corrupting influence.
11) Contraception is banned forthwith. Unmarried couples will practice abstinence and prayer instead of sex. Sarah Palin will lead this effort.
12) The US reserves the right to Bomb-Bomb-Bomb Bomb-Bomb (think beach boys here) anyone it pleases. Pre-emptive warfare is here to stay.
13) The right to vote will be restricted to true Americans! Work it out.
14) The balance of manufacturing jobs will be exported to China. In our new post-industrial society trouble making union members from these old world industries will be too busy collecting welfare or flipping burgers to make trouble for us. Commie B******s.
15) People who do not 'see America as we see it' will be labeled closet muslims, ostracised and condemned. Only true Americans are welcome in the US.
15) We renounce the need for respect in the world once and for all (except with China, from whom we need to borrow more money).
16) That'll do for now!