AuthorsDen.com   Join | Login    
Where Authors and Readers come together!

SIGNED BOOKS    AUTHORS    BOOKS    SAMPLE CHAPTERS    AUDIOBOOKS    eBOOKS    STORIES    ARTICLES    POETRY    BLOGS    NEWS    VIDEOS    SUCCESS    TESTIMONIALS

Featured Authors:  Pawan Mishra, iDr. Patrick ODougherty, iChristine Boyce, iSam Vaknin, iCharlene Proctor, iSusan Smith, iPatricia Hilliard, i Dadfire, iBrendan O'Brien, iElla Rydzewski, i

  Home > Humor > Articles Popular: Books, Stories, Articles, Poetry      Authors: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z     

Mark M Lichterman

 Follow Me  

· Contact Me
· Success story
· Books
· Articles
· Poetry
· News
· Stories
· Blog
· 2,320 Titles
· 6,518 Reviews
· Save to My Library
· Share with Friends!
·
Member Since: Jun, 2008

Mark M Lichterman, click here to update your pages on AuthorsDen.


The Atkins Schmaltz Diet.
by Mark M Lichterman   
Rated "G" by the Author.
     
Last edited: Thursday, August 26, 2010
Posted: Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Recent articles by
Mark M Lichterman

• Deno, Donnie & Frank?
• A Pubic Dog
• Murphy’s Law
• God Bless America
• California Gun Laws (Purchasing & Obtaining)
           >> View all

You grew up thinking it was normal for someone to shout "Are you okay?" through the bathroom door when you were in there longer than 3 minutes.

The Atkins Schmaltz Diet: If you read this and you are not Jewish - I cannot even begin to explain -

T his actually goes back 2 generations - or 3 if you are under 50! 

The Atkins Schmaltz Diet.

 Before we start, there are some variations in ingredients because of the various types of Jewish taste. (Polack, Litvack and Gallicianer). Just as we Jews have six seasons of the year (winter, spring, summer, fall, the slack season, and the busy season), we all focus on a main ingredient which, unfortunately and undeservedly, has disappeared from our diet. I'm talking, of course, about SCHMALTZ (chicken fat).SCHMALTZ has, for centuries, been the prime ingredient in almost every Jewish dish, and I feel it's time to revive it to its rightful place in our homes. (I have plans to distribute it in a green glass Gucci bottle with a label clearly saying: "low fat, no cholesterol, Newman 's Choice, extra virgin SCHMALTZ." (It can't miss!)
 

Then there are (grebenes -- pieces of chicken skin, deep fried in SCHMALTZ, onions and salt until crispy brown (Jewish bacon). This makes a great appetizer for the next cardiologist's convention.

 
There's also a nice chicken fricassee (stew) using the heart, gorgle (neck), pipick (a great delicacy, given to the favorite child, usually me), a fleegle (wing) or two, some ayelech (little premature eggs) and other various chicken innards, in a broth of SCHMALTZ, water, paprika, etc.
 

We also have knishes (filled dough) and the eternal question, "Will that be liver, beef or potatoes, or all three?"  

Other time-tested favorites are kishkeh, and its poor cousin, helzel (chicken or goose neck). Kishkeh is the gut of the cow, bought by the foot at the Kosher butcher. It is turned inside out, scalded and scraped. One end is sewn up and a mixture of flour, SCHMALTZ, onions, eggs, salt, pepper, etc., is spooned into the open end and squished down until it is full. The other end is sewn and the whole thing is boiled. Yummy!  

My personal all-time favorite is watching my Zaida (grandpa) munch on boiled chicken feet.  

For our next course we always had chicken soup with pieces of yellow-white, rubbery chicken skin floating in a greasy sea of lokshen (noodles), farfel (broken bits of matzah), tzibbeles (onions), mondlech (soup nuts), kneidlach(dumplings), kasha, (groats) kliskelech and marech (marrow bones)

 The main course, as I recall, was either boiled chicken, flanken, kackletten (hockfleish--chopped meat), and sometimes rib steaks, which were served either well done, burned or cremated.
 

Occasionally we had barbecued liver done to a burned and hardened perfection in our own coal furnace.Since we couldn't have milk with our meat meals, beverages consisted of cheap soda (Kik, Dominion Dry, seltzer in the spritz bottles).   

Growing up Jewish:

If you are Jewish, and grew up in city with a large Jewish population, or are gentile with Jewish friends or associates, the following will invoke heartfelt memories, so read on.........

The Yiddish word for Today is PULKES (PUHL-kees) Translation: THIGHS. Please note: this word has been traced back to the language of one of the original Tribes of  Israel , the Cellulites.

The only good advice that your Jewish mother gave you was:"Go! You might meet somebody!"

You grew up thinking it was normal for someone to shout "Are you okay?" through the bathroom door when you were in there longer than 3 minutes.

Your family dog responded to commands in Yiddish.

Every Saturday morning your father went to the neighborhood deli (called an "appetitizing store") for whitefish salad, whitefish "chubs"), lox (nova if you were rich!), herring, corned beef, roast beef, cole slaw, potato salad, a 1/2-dozen huge barrel pickles which you reached into the brine for, a dozen assorted bagels, cream cheese and rye bread (sliced while he waited). All of which would be strictly off-limits until Sunday morning.

Every Sunday afternoon was spent visiting your grandparents and/or other relatives.
 

You experienced the phenomenon of 50 people fitting into a 10-foot-wide dining room hitting each other with plastic plates trying to get to a deli tray.

You had at least one female relative who penciled on eyebrows which were always asymmetrical.

You thought pasta was stuff used exclusively for Kugel and kasha with bowties.

You were as tall as your grandmother by the age of seven.

You were as tall as your grandfather by age seven and a half.

You never knew anyone whose last name didn't end in one of 5 standard suffixes (berg, baum , man, stein and witz).

You were surprised to discover that wine doesn't always taste like cranberry sauce.

You can look at gefilte fish and not turn green.

When your mother smacked you really hard, she continued to make you feel bad for hurting her hand.

You can understand Yiddish but you can't speak it.

You know how to pronounce numerous Yiddish words and use them correctly in context, yet you don't know exactly what they mean. Kaynahurra.

You're still angry at your parents for not speaking both Yiddish and English to you when you were a baby.

You have at least one ancestor who is somehow related to your spouse's ancestor.

Your grandparents' newly washed linoleum floor was covered with the NY Times, which your grandparents couldn't read.

You thought speaking loud was normal.

You considered your Bar or Bat Mitzvah a "Get Out of  Hebrew  School Free" card.

You think eating half a jar of dill pickles is a wholesome snack.

You're compelled to mention your grandmother's "steel cannonballs" upon seeing fluffy matzo balls served at restaurants.

You buy 3 shopping bags worth of hot bagels on every trip to NYC and ship them home via FedEx. (Or, if you live near NYC or  Philadelphia or another Jewish city hub, you drive 3 hours just to buy a dozen "real"
bagels.)

Your mother or grandmother took personal pride when a Jew was noted for some accomplishment (showbiz, medicine, politics, etc.) and was ashamed and embarrassed when a Jew was accused of a crime .. as if they were relatives.

You thought only non-Jews went to sleep away colleges. Jews went to city schools ... unless they had scholarships or made an Ivy League school.

And finally, you knew that Sunday night and the night after any Jewish holiday was designated for Chinese 

      Zei gezunt!!

(Be Healthy)


Want to review or comment on this article?


Need a FREE Reader Membership?
Reviewed by John Domino
Reviewed on October 20, 2019
Yes, I can relate to many of these, "one-liners" because I grew up in a Jewish neighborhood in Brooklyn, N.Y. I dated Jewish girls and even married one in Miami Beach. Sad to say, she passed away from cancer at 37. Still, many of my college friends are Jewish and we correspond often and get together at least once a year. Shalom!

Reviewed by Kathleen McDonald
Reviewed on August 26, 2010
Your write is so very entertaining and so imformative too. I enjoy reading all of your work.
hugs
Your friend
Kathy

Reviewed by Patrick Granfors
Reviewed on August 25, 2010
Not Jewish, had few Jewish friends as a kid. But I can say every culture has its oddities. My grandfather served sheep's nuts. I wouldn't eat them but who knows what I missed. Lots of rabbit, squirrel, and I swear, the occasional raccoon. Maybe it was city life vs. country life. Culinary disaster by necessity. Great story. Patrick

Reviewed by John Martin
Reviewed on August 25, 2010
You brought back some mouth watering memories, Mark. I’m a goi who grew up in the Midwood section of Brooklyn. How long ago was that? I’ll give you a hint… a hot knish only cost a dime back then and so did a Kosher Dill..

Popular Humor Articles
  1.  Penny Power
  2.  Pedicure and Chicken
  3.  Snow White Trailer Trash Talk
  4.  Beware the Tsundoku!
  5.  Poetry Submission
  6.  Kaltenheiss's famed Katya im Boxer qua
  7.  Shot/No Shot
  8.  How to Survive Bean Soup, The Game.
  9.  Losing Ticket
  10.  Dilatation of Closed Phrenix Confabula
  11.  The Great Turtle Stampede
  12.  Precedent Linkin's Gettysberg A Dress
  13.  Imminent Danger
  14.  Breaking Bad meets Star Trek and Pies
  15.  Getting Old In The Real World
  16.  The Left-Handed Heart
  17.  More GFI
  18.  Toughest Million
  19.  NEW KEYBOARD
  20.  FALLEN
  21.  Hollywood Coffee
  22.  My colonoscopy 3/20/14 – I have to tel
  23.  Spark Plug
  24.  Battle of the Bulge: Jesus Hates Speed
  25.  Segments from a Bifurcated Life

Free Book Review Program
Select a book to read and review today!

Thirteen Sick Tasteless Classics, Part II by Jay Dubya

Thirteen Sick Tasteless Classics, Part II is adult literature featuring adult language and situations that satirizes thirteen famous novellas and short stories. It is Jay Dubya's sixteenth ebook.  
Member BookAds

Poe: Pelted, Pounded, Pummeled and Pulverized by Jay Dubya

Author Jay Dubya satirzes in adult language and content 18 famous Edgar Allan Poe stories.  
Member BookAds

Soldier's Gap by David Schwinghammer

Deputy Dave Jenkins sets out to find the murderer of the local high school principal, aided by a voice from the grave that is sometimes helpful and sometimes misleading. "Murder isn't usually this funny." Amazon reviewer  
Member BookAds