AuthorsDen.com   Join | Login    
Where Authors and Readers come together!

SIGNED BOOKS    AUTHORS    BOOKS    SAMPLE CHAPTERS    AUDIOBOOKS    eBOOKS    STORIES    ARTICLES    POETRY    BLOGS    NEWS    VIDEOS    SUCCESS    TESTIMONIALS

Featured Authors:  Deborah Frontiera, iMyra Darwish, iPaul Lonardo, iGibbs Williams, iDarryl Jenkins, iRoxanne Howe-Murphy, iRaven West, iChristine Boyce, iRoger Vizi, iDebra Kraft, i

  Home > Humor > Articles Popular: Books, Stories, Articles, Poetry      Authors: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z     

Mark M Lichterman

 Follow Me  

· Contact Me
· Success story
· Books
· Articles
· Poetry
· News
· Stories
· Blog
· 2,320 Titles
· 6,518 Reviews
· Save to My Library
· Share with Friends!
·
Member Since: Jun, 2008

Mark M Lichterman, click here to update your pages on AuthorsDen.


No! I don't Tweet!
by Mark M Lichterman   
Rated "G" by the Author.
     
Last edited: Saturday, April 27, 2013
Posted: Saturday, April 27, 2013

Recent articles by
Mark M Lichterman

• Deno, Donnie & Frank?
• A Pubic Dog
• Murphy’s Law
• God Bless America
• California Gun Laws (Purchasing & Obtaining)
           >> View all

I did not write this, but it is FOFLOL (fall on the floor laugh out loud) funny... Especially if you're over seventy.

 
 
 
 
 
 
Should I Really Join Facebook? (Priceless)
 
Read it all the way through!  It's a good laugh!  AND really quite true !!

When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter.  I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, my 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way.  I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation.  I am not ready to live like this.  I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library.  I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive.  I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me.  I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time.  Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating."  You would think that she could be nicer.  It was like she could barely tolerate me.  She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light.  Then if I made a right turn instead.  Well, it was not a good relationship...
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house.  We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions, checking bathrooms, and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me.  They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store.  You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop.  I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them with me.

Now I toss it back to them.  When they ask me, "Paper or plastic?"  I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual."  Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.  I was recently asked if I tweet.  I answered, No, but I do fart a lot."

P.S. I know some of you are not over 70.  I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those who are.
 
......Not me I figured your sense of humor could handle it....
 
 
We senior citizens don't need anymore gadgets.  The TV remote and the garage door remote are about all we can handle.




 


Want to review or comment on this article?


Need a FREE Reader Membership?
Reviewed by Annabel Sheila
Reviewed on April 29, 2013
Giggle...AMEN!!!

Anna

Reviewed by Ronald Hull
Reviewed on April 28, 2013
That's got to be one of the best lines ever… “Do you Tweet? No, but I fart a lot.”

Ron

Reviewed by John Martin
Reviewed on April 28, 2013
Thanks for sharing Mark, What can I say...Sweets for the Sweet and Tweets for the Twits xx I mean Tweet...Hmmm...kind of poetic ain't it?

Popular Humor Articles
  1.  Penny Power
  2.  Pedicure and Chicken
  3.  Snow White Trailer Trash Talk
  4.  Beware the Tsundoku!
  5.  Poetry Submission
  6.  Kaltenheiss's famed Katya im Boxer qua
  7.  Shot/No Shot
  8.  How to Survive Bean Soup, The Game.
  9.  Losing Ticket
  10.  Dilatation of Closed Phrenix Confabula
  11.  The Great Turtle Stampede
  12.  Precedent Linkin's Gettysberg A Dress
  13.  Imminent Danger
  14.  Breaking Bad meets Star Trek and Pies
  15.  Getting Old In The Real World
  16.  The Left-Handed Heart
  17.  More GFI
  18.  Toughest Million
  19.  NEW KEYBOARD
  20.  FALLEN
  21.  Hollywood Coffee
  22.  My colonoscopy 3/20/14 – I have to tel
  23.  Spark Plug
  24.  Battle of the Bulge: Jesus Hates Speed
  25.  Segments from a Bifurcated Life

Free Book Review Program
Select a book to read and review today!

Thirteen Sick Tasteless Classics, Part IV by Jay Dubya

Thirteen Sick Tasteless Classics, Part IV is adult literature featuring adult content and language that satirizes thirteen famous short fiction works.  
Member BookAds

Twain: Tattered, Trounced, Tortured and Traumatized by Jay Dubya

Author Jay Dubya satirizes 20 Mark Twain stories in adult language and content.  
Member BookAds

Thirteen Sick Tasteless Classics, Part II by Jay Dubya

Thirteen Sick Tasteless Classics, Part II is adult literature featuring adult language and situations that satirizes thirteen famous novellas and short stories. It is Jay Dubya's sixteenth ebook.  
Member BookAds