Advice for the writer who is given to mayhem and murder.

                -or-

HOW TO PUNCH OUT THE IDIOTIC EDITORS THAT ARE BLIND TO YOUR INCREDIBLE GIFTED GENIUS.

    Not given to venting your spleen?  Able to take rejection in stride as successful writers must? Then you may want to forego this course of action.  People who learn to laugh at the cruelty of fate (and editors) usually avoid an ulcer.  And to be truthful, violence can permanently close doors in your face when trying to get published. 
    But if you find that physical remonstration is something YOU JUST HAVE TO DO, then do it properly.  Like my sainted grandfather used to say; “Anything worth doing is worth doing right.”   

First: prepare for the encounter.  It is essential that you use a pseudonym.  Why?  So that when you get blacklisted, you can whip out a new cover identity and keep on going as a writer.  Also, it helps if you don't use your real address.  Rent a P.O. Box.  You don’t want to be tracked down too easily.  It is also important to pick on people who you know you can lick.  Punching someone will be of limited value if they retaliate and put you in the hospital on life support.  It may pay to hit a gym regularly before embarking on punitive expeditions.

Second: pick a time and place where you can strike and be gone at once.  Wearing a mask is too obvious.  A turned up coat collar, hat, and scarf will work just fine without you getting picked up by some passing cop who has mistaken you for a bank robber.  Besides, if caught, a mask is a sure sign of premeditation.  You won’t be able to claim temporary insanity. If there are too many people around, someone playing hero may drag you down and make a citizen’s arrest.  You may want to carry pepper spray against just such an occurrence.

Third: there is no substitute for good technique.  Don’t simply close your hand into a fist.  The fist may not be tight, and you can hurt your hand.  Always roll your fingers inward into a fist, beginning with the furthermost joints.  Your fist will be harder, your punch more solid. 
    And don’t make a show of throwing the punch, pulling it back first.  You want the element of surprise.  Just draw an imaginary line from where your fist is, to where it’s going, and move it quickly in a straight line.  Hooking punches are easy to block. 
     And don’t just throw the punch from the shoulder.  You need to generate a wave of power through your body.  Start by bending your knee and shoving against the floor.  Turn the hip into the punch, letting the shoulder and arm add their power in at the very last. 
    The mind is the true key to success.  Don’t hit at the surface level of the face.  Imagine a point three inches inside the editor’s head and strike at that point.  Remember to yell something crazy as you throw your punch.  Scream something like… "Take that, Bin Ladin--America never forgets!”  You can later claim it was all just a case of mistaken identity if you get caught.

Forth: Most important of all, if asked, you didn’t hear any of this from me.  Good luck, and may the Force be with you!

P.S.

This was composed as an exercise in writing a "how to" article.  I hope it has been informative.